Abused and Child Abuser
(North Carolina, USA)
I was five or six when I was sexually abused by both an older brother and older sister, and on more than one occasion. Usually, both of them abused me at the same time, although I do remember one time my sister abused me by herself. At that time, I did not know what incest was, or what sexual abuse was. I just knew that this was wrong, but in that they were older and stronger (and that I was outnumbered two to one), I was unable to prevent it. Later in life, I also learned that these two siblings had sex with each other as teenagers, thus the reason that I have included a reference to incest in this story--my story.
Perhaps in the faulty view of a child, I reasoned that sex must be a way of showing "love" and "affection" to another family member, since these were my own siblings, and therefore, presumably they loved me, and this was how they were demonstrating their love for me.
I did not know that research has shown that some who are abused--not all, mind you--become abusers themselves. And that is what happened to me.
Perhaps because of the abuse, I was "sexualized" at an early age--I knew way more about sex than a six year old should (although much of what I knew or thought I knew was wrong in the sense of wrong relationships or wrong "timing" in that a six-year-old shouldn't have forcible sexual experiences). I obsessed about sex, and carried this sexual obsession into my teen years and then into my adult life.
I got married and figured my sexual problems were now a thing of the past since, with a wife, I would have a proper "outlet" for sex. Was I ever wrong. Then we had a child, a daughter. As my wife and I began having more and more problems--work, finances, and even communication/relationship problems, I gravitated more and more toward my daughter, perhaps because she was easier to manipulate/control than my wife.
To make a long story short, I crossed that line of taboo and started sexually abusing my daughter, continuing that pattern of incest I had learned in my upbringing. One day, however, she worked up the courage to tell someone (and I say, "Good for her!").
Soon after, I was arrested. I had gone from being the one abused to being the abuser.
I hope this story can help someone, somehow.
I personally have found help for my situation through a 12-step program for sex addiction. A 12-step program may not be for everyone, but it is helping me.
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