You Looked Away

by Ronald C
(Louisiana, USA)

St Genevieve You Looked Away:
It all began for me as a child attending confessionals at my local parish church. Bear with me as this branch has many vines and the cause and affect as well as the atrocities (rituals performed over my/our persons) committed against my person are heinous to say the least.

Putting that aside, I was told I was to enter the confessional and this man, my link between myself and GOD, would ask me to confess any transgressions I had committed and he would intercede for me and bring me back into compliance with the order of God's ways and blessings. After a brief conversation, this god grabbed me and pulled me forward thrusting his hands into my underwear. His fingers fondling my testicles and continued searching for an entry point into my person. This became a regular occurrence and the monster told me not to wear underwear to confessionals as to this was a hindrance to redeeming me. He told me I must be taught how to bring forth the spirit in the near future and that angels would get me if I told anyone, that our GOD would be angry if I spoke to my parents of such teachings.

I remember standing on side of our family home deep in thought one beautiful sunny day on the Louisiana plantation. I was always told not to stare into the sun, but I stared anyway and said to our GOD, "If this is what you do to your children, I want nothing to do with you." As my journey through confoundedness and confusion continued the monster did not let up on his sexual aggression upon me. I would become anxious and nervous when he would cross the threshold of our Catechism classes. He would ever so slightly make his way towards me and gently massage my shoulders. After his departure I knew what was next and wondered if it was my appointed time to be taught the ways of bringing forth the spirit. In a moment or two a nun would appear and the teacher would say, Ronni, Fr. M--- wants to see you in the rectory. Doing as I was told I approached the rectory door. As I opened it for the first time I could not fathom what I was seeing; 4 of my friends were naked with catholic vesture on, kneeling down masturbating. Fr. M--- was smiling at me and I observed a gentleman in the rear of the room wearing glasses also naked with Catholic vesture on. I ran for my life with every bit of my being. I took refuge in the boys bathroom and entered a stall, locked the door and stood on top of the flushing device. My fear increased as I heard a nun and the monster calling out-Ronnie, Ronnie! My heart beat immeasurably as he entered the room and I could see his shadow looking under the stalls. As he left he told the nun we must find Ronnie. I remained there until the bell rang and I ran strategically and jumped into my family's 67 Impala. Hoping the steel would be a wall between me and the monster.

As the journey continued I was eventually taught to bring forth the spirit (masturbation), four strokes at a time. My friend asked me not to tell because he liked what Fr. M--- was doing to us. I was so indoctrinated that I took 4 drinks of water at a time. I checked the door locks 4 times and so on. I brought a fork to bed with me so I could fight off any angels if they tried to get me.

Eventually I was summoned by the monster again to the rectory, this time he asked me to try on alter boy clothing. Being subjugated I removed my clothing turning my back to him. That's when he grabbed me from behind reaching around grabbing my penis and testicles and forcefully tried to enter my person. When he was finished and frustrated because I could not maintain an erection for him and being frustrated attempting to penetrate me he gave me penance to repeat and prayers to recite to come into compliance with God once again.

To make a long story short, 3 of us have committed suicide and one has went on to murder over 20+ young men here in our area. I am attempting to be made whole in my endeavors with the holy roman catholic church. The Boston attorney I was being represented by since Nov 2012 has recently recused his firm from representing me. Per my discussions with other attorneys I have been told this Boston atty has faltered and failed me as client. Having sent a demand to be made whole to the h.r.c.c., the local diocese answering and a local sheriffs office asking to investigate my allegations I find myself alone thrown back into the pit awaiting the inquisition! Nothing has come to fruition as of yet, no therapy, no remedy to assist me nor help me by anyone involved including the diocese.

My first request, REPEATING MY FIRST REQUEST, I made to this atty was that I wanted to undergo FBI deception tests and hypnosis fearing my mind in survival mode is protecting me from more heinous atrocities committed against me. He stated that would not be necessary. This atty stated to me, "They want to play ball, would you like to go into newspapers or press conference (nameless or with name)?" Having my full faith in him I chose media. He assured me his law firm could supply my needs and he was very successful in cases such as mine and fully able to settle these matters. Having said this and in hindsight the blood is screaming from the earth and I want to speak. Revealing these atrocities and entering into the public record the atrocities committed against myself and others now adding the atty who lifted me up, throwing me back into the pit placing me along the wayside to wither away... placing me back on the path of confoundedness and confusion under duress and derision such as the priest and church had re-victimized me again and again. The only defense I can afford previous counsel is that I had a legal issue to take care of and facing appearance in front of a Catholic deacon and having been treated harshly in the past by Catholic magistrates, this endeavor to willingly rectify a simple matter became another hurdle to jump. Having taken care of this matter I was told by my atty we would have our press conference in New Orleans when I cleared the matter. Having cleared it I contacted him with the GOOD news and was anticipating MY DAY of redemption. Then he recused himself, affording me no explanation.

I received my packet of info concerning my case and at my bequest and emailing him, asking for an explanation not only as to why but explaining to him the frustration and disappointment my children and self were experiencing. Then and only then did he call me.

As a victim of clergy abuse or any abuse we must resist the attempts to silence us -THE LAMBS! Who will stand with us? s.n.a.p.? The church? Tts congregation? Attys? None have come to my aid thus far.

So I turn to you my brothers and sisters in this fallen world to help alleviate this burden I carry. I placed this trash into the dumpster but there are those who perpetrate assisting us as a means for their selfish gains only when their agenda is not attained they open the lid on the dumpster and remove the trash placing it back upon our persons...former U.S. vet assigned to rescue and recovery, child with great genius before the monster touched my mind and body, the local paper boy, previous employee of the year, warfare signal interceptor prospect, Morse code interpreter, grandson of electrician who built local power plant and ran local union open shop, son of local university electrical foreman and a third generation electrician with 30+ yrs of experience (unable to find a job in the local area), not allowed to travel to Afghanistan or New Guinea because of child support arrears (the slave state also denied driving privileges because of such. Holder or 100 jobs maintaining none, the little train who could but can't.

I can come to only one conclusion. The powers that be do not want me to work nor progress unless I bow before them or kneel at their feet. The last time I went to bow, Fr. M--- raped me! In the words of Sir Thomas Paine, the famous American revolutionary-'If there must be trouble let it be in my day, that my child may live in peace!' Having done all I can to stand...I STAND! Hosanna Thy Son of David!

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Comments for You Looked Away

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Feb 15, 2016
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

There is always so much risk to those who decide they will seek justice for abuse. Be it with family or the church. There are countless who have tried and failed to bring awareness of clergy abuse to the forefront. It finally did happen. But not entirely. Survivors continue to face an uphill battle.

As for justice in any meaningful way, hardly. Even when justice seems to have occurred, not so much.

The Catholic Church is very powerful, and they protect their own. They always have. Even Pope Francis, who so many hold in high regard, A pope who has talked big about dealing with child abusers in the Church, has recently through the Vatican, decreed that priests are not required to report known or suspected abuse to police, That they are only required to deal with the issue internally. It screams more of the same.

So I'm not surprised you have faced this uphill climb, Ronald. We can never know exactly why your original attorney recused himself, but the pressure was on, perhaps not only politically, but also personally.

I understand your need to get what you're looking for, and I applaud your commitment. What I will also offer as a comment is to find balance. To find a way within your own control to allow happiness into your life. I've learned through personal experience that when I gave up my power to the expectation that something outside of my control could be different, I would never find peace. I learned I could not expect something outside of me to bring me the happiness I needed. I could still bring awareness and understanding to the masses. I could still work at bringing more healing into the world. But I could not expect my work, my purpose to be what governed my own joy. In short, I refused to allow my Self to continue to be controlled by my abusers. I refused to continue to give them power or domain over me.

Keep working at what is important to you, Ronald. Just don't lose your Self in the process. You are too valuable to lose. I send you love, light and healing energy. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Feb 15, 2016
You Looked Away
by: Carol

Hi Ronald, I can't say I've been in the same position as you are with the Catholic Church as I'm not Catholic but I experienced sexual harassment and the very strong possibility of sexual abuse at the hands of a pastoral counselor at a mental health hospital. He was also a lay pastor at the church I attended (by his invitation). hmmmm.

Long story short, it came to a point where I felt I was losing it mentally/emotionally and needed to find a way to let go of the intensity of the aftermath of exposing him. The publicity, the speculation, the fear that maybe he'll be able to stay in his job and hurt more women (he already had) and the accusations that I was trying to destroy this man who was "so gentle, so kind, so generous" - rolly eyes - it was taking up too much time in my mind and my emotions.

I copied this from writing that I found helpful in the interim of waiting for this abuser to be dealt with (he was never arrested or put on trial):

In the process of three internal investigations (church/conference and hospital) and the media I started to feel quite undone, being in public and getting feedback was at times horrendous even though I had strong supports. Ultimately I still had to deal with the betrayal and humiliation of people who took his side and being in public at times was more than I could bear. I assumed that Christians would at least be respectful and would want to hear truth. That was a rude awakening. Some did and others well not so much. I learned they can also be threatening.

I had to find a way to deal, a way to not let this thing eat me alive. I made a mental image of a cardboard box and filled it with memories of his betrayal, what it had done to me emotionally and mentally, his denial, his enjoyment of humiliating me in church on Sunday mornings after the allegations became known, the shaming from others and anything else that related to what he did, my anger and frustration – all of it into the box. Then I drove as close, as what I felt was not imposing or legally stalking, to his house, on his street. There I saw they were moving (moving van in front of the house), the back of the truck was open. I stayed in my car and mentally put that box, full of his crap into the back of the truck. With that box, I left a mental message that said, "When you get to wherever it is you are going, you will find this box and you will deal with it. It will always be on your doorstep waiting for you. It is yours and I will no longer keep it for you. You cannot hurt me anymore." Then I drove away. There was an immediate sense of relief, of peace. At times I was tempted to take the box back but over time I realized I didn’t want it. Life is easier without it. It is one piece I don't have to carry with me any longer.

I still had to deal with aspects of that experience but it changed to feeling more confident and not feeling that I had to do all the work. I could remind myself he would deal and I didn't have to be the one any longer to make that happen. After this his life crumbled, he lost his pastoral license in the church and as a trainer for pastors in the province, he was defrocked in the church and conference, he went from pastoral care to depression/suicidal to looking for more work in that line unsuccessfully to a failed assistant pastor to gas attendant as his last job. He sent a letter saying I had told the truth, that he was sorry and hoped I could forgive him but had told my pastor that he didn't admit because he felt convicted - he just had nothing more to lose. The pastor said he didn't think I needed to respond to that letter. I never did respond but I had closure, I have peace about it. The abuser has since passed away from prostate cancer.

I don't know that there is anything you can take from this. If nothing else I hope you feel encouraged that you are not alone although I think you must feel that way at times. I'm glad you have your family to support you. I don't know how the Catholic church operates so can't give any ideas there. I just wonder about going to outside authorities and lawyers that are not involved in the Catholic Church? I'm assuming you've made a police report?

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