When Family Hates

by Karen L
(California, USA)

Since I can remember at 3 years of age I have been physically and emotionally abused. I am 55 now and it has not stopped. There was sexual and physical abuse continual in the home. My sister who was older was allowed to physically abuse me. I was stabbed with objects and slapped continually by her and my cousin who lived most of the time with my grandmother on the same street. My mother had me writing notes from the time I was 7 that I was bad and please forgive me. I was cleaning my parents house from 7 years old and then every relative on the same street. I was molested by my parents and the relatives throughout childhood. My mother got us up at all hours of the night until 2am looking for my dad in bars. We drove up and down the highways looking for him and when we found him and 3 years old and until teenage years had us go to the entrance of the bars and call him out. They had horrible fights. My dad would make me sit and listen from 3 years old how women have ruined all creation and call me a monkey and fetch and get it and stoop and fetch it. He called me stupid in front of my friends. My mother slapped me over and over across the face all my life. They told me I was to be seen and not heard. I was made to cook my dad whatever he wanted at 7 years old until I left there. My mother took my school pictures and tore them up in front of me. They made me sit in the closet for hours, 3 and 4 hours calling me a pouter and cry baby. I slept in my toy trunk to hide from them. My sister was my parents favorite and they allowed her to take my barbie dolls and break their arms and heads off. My mother took my new dress and walked me out to trash barrel and watch her burn it. I just learned my sister died two years ago and no one in the family let me know. I had not seen my sister in 21 years. My mother and sister had gone to my job when I was 34 and cost me my job by disparaging me to the supervisor and co workers. They went to every merchant in town and disparaged me. I had to move. My mother hates me today and I've pleaded with her to please love me and she professes to be a christian. She only recognizes my sisters daughters not mine and I only have one. My sister flew her kids to me and then tried to have me charged with kidnapping and my parents went along with her. Then they called the police and said, I assaulted my sister. I never did. It was dropped. I have so much pain. I have such a difficult time coping. My mother goes to the relatives who ostracize me and she sides with them and they all circled me at my grandmothers funeral with such hate and they said, they would blow my head off. They are all on facebook and act like they are all a loving close godly family. They do not try to make things right now or include me and my daughter. We are treated like criminals who have brought shame and pain to them. We never have or been drug addicts or alcoholics. We are just isolate and very alone. I have been told God hates me as he hated Esau in the bible. I have been cursed by my own parents and my family. When I went to other family for help I was punished by telling me they cannot get in the middle and they cannot fight my battles but they never treated my cousins like they have watched me treated. When I've cried I have told I am a victim who acts like a goody two shoes and I feel sorry for myself and I am not perfect and everyone makes mistakes and when I tried to commit suicide my own mother and family said, if I was serious I would of done it and not talk about it. I tried at 9 years old to hang myself in the closet with a rope. I was told by my other family members if they see me or have anything to do with me it hurts their relationship with my parents so not to come around. I have a hard time coping and understanding. The rejection and isolation and injustice has caused severe loneliness and problems in all areas of my life. My own friends have questioned why do they hate you, what have you done. I did nothing but tell relatives I was being molested and beat. Since then I have been the black sheep.

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Comments for When Family Hates

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Mar 01, 2016
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

There comes a time in our lives when we must make a choice with the understanding that there is no way to change what others think. Your family will always have control and power over you as long as you try to convince them of something they refuse to believe. Your parents cannot be made to love you, no matter how hard you try to get them to. I know that's a tough thing to come to terms with, because we all need love in our lives, and we really want it from the people who are in our family, especially our parents. The thing is, how long can you continue to expect something different from any of them and maintain your sanity. Every time you expect them to respond in your favour and they don't, you get abandoned and rejected again. And then again. And then again.

The only way I know to stop this horrible cycle of abandonment and rejection, and still live in your own truth, is to cut ties with these people. To stop showing up in their lives so that you can get on with living your own. Even when there's a funeral, it doesn't mean you have to attend. Funerals aren't just a place to honour the dead, they are typically for the living...and you don't really want or need to be around those living for the chance to denigrate you. You can always honour those who pass away in your own way, like visiting the graveside, on your own, with your own heartfelt wishes.

I know this is a tough thing to do, especially when one has spent so much time trying to tell the truth and no one is listening. It's like being abused all over again. I do know it because to some degree, I lived it myself. It wasn't until I cut the ties with my family that things began to change for me. But of course, I had to also find ways to treat my Self better than I had been treated by my family, in my case, my parents. I already had many miles of distance with relatives, so it was easier.

As for friends who ask what you did, I would say, "Family can't wrap their brains around abuse, they refuse to believe it." And then stop telling your friends. Or wait until you've developed a strong sense of trust with one, and then dip your toe in the water. Briefly. Not everyone has to know everything about your life.

When I was in need as a younger person, I told everyone what I had endured. But people didn't want to hear it. I couldn't develop friendships because I was so needy. One woman told me, "Being your friend is too much of a responsibility." That was hard to take. But eventually, I came to the conclusion that if I wanted friends in my life, I would have to find other things to discuss. Friends didn't have to know all or any of the gory details. I had enough to offer without bringing up my childhood. And when people asked about my family, I simply told them we aren't close.

Karen, try to find a support group where you can safely share what you've endured. Reach out to violence and abuse prevention agencies and ask if they can help you in that department.

You didn't and don't deserve to be treated so horribly. And neither does your daughter. You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect and love. Start by treating your Self with the dignity and respect and love you really do deserve. Give your Self what you never received from others. THAT'S where you power lies, Karen.

I send you love, light and healing energy. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Mar 04, 2016
When Family Hates
by: Carol

Hi Karen L,
In some ways I can relate to what you're experiencing - in that my family scapegoated me for all our dysfunctions even in their pretense of reconciliation. Not to the extent that you have been abused but unbearable just the same. My dad tried to convince the family that I was crazy after I said what he and different family members did to me. He forced me to say I lied and kept hitting my face until I said it. To protect his ego, his reputation in the name of Christianity. I can see what a fool he was to not realize how he wasted my love for him, my dad. His loss.

Its a very painful process to heal from, but its well worth it to realize that some people don't and won't change. Our best efforts are to separate ourselves and begin a new life away from our abusers. There are people out there who do not live this way, who are compassionate and caring. It is almost 30 years now that I've been away from my family, with the exception of my son's weddings and events with grandchildren. I cried for 2 years as it was still grieving a loss of something that never was but could have been so much better. It took many years to get them to leave me alone but eventually it paid off. My parents have both passed without reconciliation but as I believe in the afterlife I also believe they both know and understand the truth now. I can move on.

You and I don't need to live this way. We can do for ourselves what others won't. Your daughter will be happier when she sees you not being abused by your family. She'll also feel safer. There are so many pros to being away from the abusive life you experience and begin anew. Give yourself a new day, a new start. Sweep them out of your house, out of your life. You don't need that. You deserve so much better. Life is too short to stay with people who abuse us. Start fresh. :)

Apr 27, 2016
Stay Strong
by: Kaname K

Sometimes it’s a mystery to me, about parents who decide to love one daughter and treat the other one as the black sheep of the family. That I do not agree of their choice to treat you that way, Karen. Your family will always have control and power over you as long as you try to convince them of something they refuse to believe. Your parents cannot be made to love you, no matter how hard you try to get them to. I know that's a tough thing to come to terms with, because we all need love in our lives, and we really want it from the people who are in our family, especially our parents.

Every time you try to get them to your favor and they don’t you get rejected and abandoned, all in the same cycle.

As Darlene said, you need to cut ties with them. Since of what they have done to you, you didn’t deserve that kind of abuse nor treating you differently. Cut ties with the people you once called "Family" and move on, walk away from them for good, never look back.

Stop showing up in their lives only to be their punching bag, live on your own terms. Even when your sister died, you didn’t need to attend the funeral. Funerals aren't just a place to honor the dead, they are typically for the living...and you don't really want or need to be around those living for the chance to denigrate you.

Life is too short to stick with the people who have harmed you.

Your daughter doesn’t need to see you abused by your family, she doesn’t need to see the hatred they give to you.

It’s going to be a tough road ahead for you, Karen. But once you cut ties with your family, you get to realize that you are free from their abuse, along with that your daughter doesn’t need to see her own mother being verbally abuse by her own family.

I also hope in the near future see the errors of their ways of treating you and your daughter like an outcast. But once they see the errors of their ways and want to reconcile with you, just say no. Give them loads of reasons of why you shouldn't force yourself back into their lives.

Stay strong, Karen. I believe in you.

May 01, 2016
When Family Hates
by: Teri

Karen, I can relate to your childhood, as I, even today, at 57 years in life, am still the black sheep of 5 kids. My mother knew what my father was doing when she was at work, and I knew it. I have come to terms with the fact that my mother never wanted me when I was conceived, nor would she ever treat me as one of her other children. I have bent over backwards trying to please my mother, but she remains the same. Cold and scared from the abuse this has made me feel great pains and loneliness. Today I am the star in my own life, and no matter how much my own mother resents me, I know I am better than her. I am prettier than her. I can love, unlike her, and I am not her. I am me and I am all that I want to be. I like my mother, sometimes, but I do not love her, nor can I ever remember a time that I did. This is ok for me. She is not involved in my life like I wish her to be, but why keep putting your heart where it really wishes to be, only to be broken over and over and over. Love yourself, and give your daughter everything you never had as a child, till now. It's up to you to change the horrible cycle you endured and go on with your own life. Quit wasting time on them. Good luck with all you do and congratulations for all you have survived. You are the hero here. You Karen, are the hero.

May 28, 2016
Karen L
by: Steve?

Hey, I was adopted into a family with one boy and two girls 6 months after my birth. Two and a half years later my adoptive mother had another boy. For approximately 8 years from the age of three, I was consistently beaten with a wooden spoon, forced to eat soap till I was sick, had my poo fouled pants wiped around my face and forced down my throat when I was ill, beaten unconscious with a shovel, hot and cold water tipped over my head repeatedly from a milk bottle, so covered flannel forced down my throat and held under water in the bath to name just a few actions of discipline. As I entered adulthood, I knew I saw things different to others and acted accordingly. Last December I had enough of carrying around the secret of my shit childhood and decided to see my GP who referred me to a therapist. I was diagnosed with PTSD which I have had for over forty years. I am now 50 and experience 'triggers' that are as clear to me now as they happened all those years ago. I am currently writing a book about my 'upbringing' and describing how it has affected my life and the therapy. Even if I have to publish it myself, I will get it out there. Maybe it will help others who have had similar experiences. I wish you the best of luck

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