Wanting to Heal

by Maria
(Californa, USA)

I don't really talk about this to anyone about what happened to me as a child. Now I am an adult and I feel I never got to heal from my past experiences. I still feel an open wound even if this stopped happening over 7 years ago. I still to this day think about it and I feel hurt. I will be 23 years old next week. What happened to me began ever since I can remember, I want to say I was 3 years old.

I was about 3 years old when my mother left my father due to domestic abuse. Little did she know she was leaving one abuser to end up with another. She left my biological father D-- for C--. Who would later be the man who molested me ALL my childhood. I never knew the truth about my biological father up until my teenage years. I was 16.

I don't remember much about when the abuse started. My first memory of it was when I was 5 years old. From the ages of 5-16 on many occasions. C-- would be in my room in the middle of the night touching and rubbing on my private part over my clothing. I would always act like I was waking up and I didn't feel anything and I would watch him run out of the room. I would then shut my door and cry myself to sleep wondering why my father would do those things to me if I was his daughter. I would have to say that messed with my mental health, my emotional health, and my spirit.

I would say my childhood wasn't that bad. It was a little bit of both, growing up with an alcoholic father (stepfather). Watching how he would drink all day every day and beat your mom. Wasn't exactly healthy.

My mom wasn't and isn't a bad mother but her ignorance has caused a lot of pain to me and my siblings. She was/is a verbal abuser. Although we were never physically abused by our mother we watched as she would get beat.

There's a lot more to this story but I still can't find the words to put it all together. All I can say now is that all this affected me. I became a alcohol abuser myself, I got 2 DUIs before I turned 21. I did bad in high school as a teenager due to depression. Everyone thought I was just a bad child. Little do people know I hide a terrible secret that still haunts me to this day.

I still feel worthless, depressed, and have very low self esteem because of this. I would like to start healing, I just don't know how.

I am now a single mother and I'm very overprotective with my child because of this. I avoid dating. I also quit drinking. I want to create a healthy life for my 2-year-old. But I know I need to heal...

My mother to this day does not know all the pains she caused me. It goes deeper than the verbal abuse. As her child I felt she needed to protect me...I just hope one day I can get all of this out and tell the whole story...

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Comments for Wanting to Heal

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Jun 11, 2015
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

The desire to heal is one of the first steps, but as you already know, that doesn't make it happen. What I've learned helps to bring healing is one, acknowledging the pain you feel without judgment (you've done that), then two, changing your perspective about what happened. I know that sounds very simplistic, but it does work. It's what you tell yourself every day that brings on more of the pain.

Did your mother betray and abandon you? Most definitely. Did she fail to protect you? Absolutely. Did she make choices that put you and others at risk? She sure did. All that is true. But is it the entire story.

You are now a mother yourself. You likely haven't made the same mistakes your mother made, but chances are, you've made some of your own because you're human and you yourself come with a lot of pain from your past. Your mother is no different. Imagine a woman who doesn't think enough of herself or is so fearful of being on her own that she stays with an abusive partner. Think about that for a moment. How much was she lacking to have made such terrible choices for herself, and for her children. It's when you begin to see your mother as a human being with painful stuff in her own past that things may become a bit easier to cope with in your own life. And don't for one second think I'm excusing her choices. Not at all. I'm simply offering an explanation that may help you to bring healing into your own life.

And though your mother was a big factor in the abuse you endured, the person who sexually abused you needs to also be condemned for his choices. He preyed on you, but first, he preyed on women like your mother so he could access children to feed his perversion. That's often what child molesters and child rapists do. Your mother was too sick to recognize that. She may not have even know such a thing. Again, not an excuse, just an explanation.

You can heal from this. But first, you must be ready to change your perspective. Because it's when you change what you tell yourself that other changes can happen. And it's in those changes that healing takes place. You deserve that. Your child deserves that too.

I send you love, light and healing energy, Maria. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

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