Want Some Answers

by El
(Location Undisclosed)

I'm not really sure how to say this but I'll give it a shot. When I was seven a family member molested me during a family holiday. He was seventeen and took me into a bathroom. He took his pants down and made me touch him and he called me another girl's name. After a little while he said he was really sorry and asked me not to tell ever anyone and he was crying. I was really confused by what happened and I accidentally told my mom and dad. They told me that he hurt me and took me to a doctor and made she me tell what he did and do all these tests. I didn't want to tell cause I didn't want him to get in trouble. They said he hurt me but nothing he did hurt. It was just weird and actually felt kinda good. The test the doctor did hurt more than what he made me do. They told me what he did was really bad and I should hate him, but I don't and they said that I'll never see him again.

I wonder if it's wrong if I want to see him again. To tell him that I'm sorry and I'm not mad at him. I don't hate him. It has been a few years and I miss him.

My parents don't know but I heard them talking about him a little while ago and I found out that he was hurt like that, you know somebody touching him when he was little. But he was really hurt and really bad. He was even younger than me and lots of people touched him. I wonder if that's why he did what he did.

My parents and older brothers won't talk to me about it no matter how much I ask. I just want answers and no one will talk to me. They just want me to forget what happened. I hope someone here can help me understand what happened. Anyway thanks for listening. It was nice to tell somebody.

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Comments for Want Some Answers

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Feb 11, 2016
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I understand your confusion. And I also understand why you want answers. But I also understand where your parents are coming from, even though it doesn't feel to you as though they have acted in your best interest.

When children and adolescents molest, they have almost always been sexually abused themselves in some way. Some have been exposed to inappropriate acts, either on purpose or by accident. When it's the latter and the adults don't provide an adequate explanation of what happened or they leave the child to use their own wherewithal to figure things out, sometimes a child will experiment, but they typically do so with children their own age. Curiosity is not at all unusual in young children. Many children experience sexual abuse in the most vile of physical ways. But just because a child doesn't experience it in that way, it doesn't mean that abuse didn't take place. What happened to you WAS abuse, El.

When a 17-year-old takes a 7-year-old to a bathroom and gets that little one to do sexual acts, THEN tells the child to not tell, they clearly know that what they are doing is wrong. Your parents inadvertently disclosed what happened to him as a child. And what happened to him is an explanation, but it cannot be an excuse. Just because what he did to you did not "hurt" you doesn't meant that he didn't do anything wrong. What he did was very wrong.

The fact that you told, accidentally or not, was not a betrayal to him. It was a consequence of the actions he choose to inflict on you. Even if it felt good to you, it was wrong for him to use you in that way. He was using you for his own sexual gratification. And he knew that it was wrong. The fact that he didn't hurt you the way he himself was hurt does not make it right. The fact that he insisted you keep it a secret was an attempt to control you even further and not get in trouble himself.

Something you also need to know is that molesters do not stop molesting until they are stopped, either by someone telling or by being caught.

Your parents and your brothers are trying to protect you. Your parents wanted to make sure that you weren't hurt, and in the process, you now see that the tests the doctor(s) did on you as the culprit because they hurt more than he hurt you. I can see where that is confusing.

Now here's the thing...if you reach out to him and do what you're planning to do, you will be sending him a message that can have far-reaching effects, not just for you, but for others. If he sees what he did to you as okay, the urges he has to offend other little girls (and believe me when I say that he has very likely molested/abused other little girls) may increase, they may escalate, and he might even start justifying what he's doing.

As for "hating" him, your parents are trying to get you to understand the gravity of the situation. Plus, they probably hate him for what he did to you, which is perfectly understandable. And they want to protect you from other predators and from being victimized by him again. That's their job and responsibility as parents. Consider for a moment how you might react if a very young child of yours didn't see how dangerous such an act was. You would likely worry that your child was at risk for even worse abuse. And while I would never tell a child to "hate" a person, I can understand why a parent would resort to such a tactic. In the end, it seems you've decided for yourself not to hate him. But you are at risk if you embrace him. To approach this predator now, even after all this time, is not a healthy thing to do. It will serve to send him a very dangerous message.

I suggest you talk to your parents to see if you can get some counselling on this issue from someone skilled in talking to children/adolescents about feelings after molestation. You need to examine further why you miss him so much.

I send you love, light and healing energy, El. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

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