Told in Diary

by Royaldansk

I was born in a province,We are six siblings and I am third from the eldest. When i was five or mybe much younger of that age, Ive know that my father was a killer. He killed his friends, and I dont know the reason.Now lets started about my story since my father realesd from in prison that time i was 8yrs old. 2008 my father was with us, I was so much happy and Im so proud. I must say thanks God you grant my wish. when i was in school im running and shouting, yehey! i have a father. I thought that the starting of my life becomes beuatiful. A month pass by, there somthing bothering me, should Im happy or not. Coz my father I feel he hate me. they are cicumstances He hurting me like pucnhin my shoulder, throwing me hard things and the middle of the night he always command that im going to massage of her. The first things happen that I didnt think any ideas. Hes my Father all i know. Month of October night, my fahter and me and my youger sister . Were watching a show on T.V. The content of shows like a rape, like a girl work at the bar and that they are guest like her. The girl was forcefuly get into the car and the boss was rape her..etc...And while im watching Im lying beside of my father and my sister other side but it have a distance from us. The ligth was turn off only the T.v. After that I notice thta the legs of my father crossing of my legs, and his hands was on my lower private part. Even that time im still dont mind. I thought that was a kind of love of father through to the daughter.I was not expected to happen again but I was so schock coz every middle of the night my father transfer of me, and his hand touching again of my private part, it become worst and worst. I was really shock I dont even know what to do. Im still keep silent .In the morning , he act like nothing going happend, like he did not do anything about me. and again hes always mad at me, when the times he decipline on me its really strick.. Im always feel insecure with my other siblings,. Why me? if my times turn he never show me as a good father. He hurt me by physically. The things my father do, it happen it happen again, evry mindle of the night. That time I cant tell my mom, coz i know and saw how much my mom realy loves of my father. so i must keep silent, I pray that he would change someday. Every day he become a worst, he play on me, by his fingers. december before my birthday on middle on the night, it happen again, but before that morning I was so tired coz those my heavy chores in animals. So i was deep sleep and i sleep early coz I was excited on my birthday. But all my excited was disappeard and change into a darkness of my life. I just woke up that my father lying on the top of me, his feet crossning on my foot, and his hands strongly hold my hands, the other hands holding a pistol. I was scared and I pray Lord GOd pls. kill me. I was cring by in silent. All of that happend it happend and happend again, and become worst and worst.amy years past still keep that things and became my secret. I told to my self that no one can know for this until of my death. He looks like a demon. from my 8 yrs old until 13 yrs old. Hes doing on me. Many things happend even I try o tell my mom, I was afraid coz my mom was sick and those of my sisters they are so young. inside of my mind If im going run away , they might be happend or he do something bad for them, I must protect them.. Im always pray for every night and every times He rape on me, I keep strong to myself. keep postive even my body dont want ! imean i really want to surrender. I know he became a demon and must be strong , I know God is with me. But but thanks God after my 13 yrs old and my fahter and my mother broke, I was so relief coz im sure this it! God plan, after they separating and im with my mom. after A year hmm. month of april , I was kneel down infront of our altar and pray while my two shoulder raise ,Like a magic my mom saw my diary note book, and theres a wind that the pages of my notebook jumping into my hiden my wrting journal. shes read it and confront me. no words come out of my mouth its only just tears fall down. ...I know until now im still fighting my traumatic experiences and also the side effect, i must keep goin in,, imust keep forward. Those my dark life , i know it shave still a small light could bring me into good life. Now I am a survivor of abuse.

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Apr 14, 2015
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I can't tell you how many female survivors I've either talked to in person or online who believed they were protecting other siblings from sexual abuse by staying quiet, only to learn later on in life that the abuser abused many more victims. Including the ones the survivor was so desperate to protect.

Your father is a pedophile. And pedophiles don't stop at one victim. The often stop when the child gets a bit older, but that abuse continues with someone who is younger. This is why it's so important to tell, to not keep the secret. And I do understand how challenging telling can be with the fear of not being believed or the fear that the family will be split up as a result.

Always remember that what your father did to you wasn't your fault. It was HIS fault. You have no shame or blame in the matter. HE holds all the shame and blame.

Just remember that you're important and so is your well-being. I can only hope that now that your mother knows, the two of you can begin to heal together.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me. I send you love, light and healing energy.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

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