Things Turned Bad

by Britney
(Pennsylvannia, USA)

Well when I was three I thought life couldn't be better but then things started turning bad. My dad was obsessed with video games and he started drinking (my dad has a bad temper) and when he would lose he would throw beer bottles at me then leave and not tell mom where he was going. Then we moved into a huge new house. I thought maybe I could be happy.

I met this neighbor girl. She was nice but she had scars on her wrist. I was young at the time and she said she did it every time she was sad and she would cut herself and then that's when I realize I was sad too so I started but she didn't cut as deep as me. Even though I was a child I had a very high pain tolerance. I would cut so deep that I would grab string and a needle from my mom's sewing kit and sew myself up. I began to like the pain so much I wouldn't even need to cut myself. I would randomly start sewing my body then I went to my grandmas and my whole family was there and once they had seen my sister they were happy but once they looked at me...everyone...even my own parents...called me fat and ugly and bullied me. I thought no one loved me so once we got home I ran over to my next door neighbor's house and spent the night.

One night her brother sat next to me, and the girl I was friends with went upstairs. She was tired and a few minutes later her brother started tickling my sides and I laughed and continued to watch South Park then he grabbed my neck and slammed me down on the couch. He laughed so I did. I thought he was playing. That's when he ripped my shorts off and began to use his mouth down on me and then he stuck himself in me and forced me to do things to him. I was scared and I let this happen for 4 years. Then I got into a relationship. I had scars all over me. They were bad. Still have them. I'm 14 now. I was 10 then. You see I was the unpopular kid. I tried to fit in and he was the poplar kid and then he asked me out. I said hell yeah. I was so happy. Someone could finally love me but then when we were on the bus he would slam my head against a window. I thought this was okay 'cause my dad had done it to me before. He wrote me a note. He wanted to kiss me in the back of the playground so I thought everything was normal. When I went back there he and his friends were playing jump rope and once I got there he said "kiss me" so I leaned in and he wrapped a jump rope around my neck and everyone laughed. We still stayed together but then he started touching me and physically abusing me and went home to a dead house where I got verbally abused and physically. I had no escape. I would go on the bus and get touched then walk into the glass and get bullied. I would drop my books in the classroom and get made fun of. They would always pick on me and I would wear hoodies during the summer and these kids would tell the teacher and the teacher would make me take it off and everyone would see my scars and call me an attention wh**e, but I wore the hoodie to hide the scars.

During 5th grade is when things got really bad. I would cry for about 3 hrs and stumble to the bathroom and look in the mirror and scream I hate you! You're so ugly!" and cut chunks out of my tummy and sew them back up. I tried to be skinny and make everyone happy. A couple days after I began doing that I stop eating. If I did eat id throw up and of course that put me in the hospital. I was bulimic and struggling. I wanted to be skinny again.

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Comments for Things Turned Bad

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Apr 27, 2015
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Children who come from abusive environments are set up to bring more violence into their lives. You said yourself that you were used to your father slamming your head against a wall so it was okay for your boyfriend to do the same. Nothing could be further from the truth. It wasn't "okay" for either your father or this guy to be violent toward you. And it's not okay for you to be violent toward yourself, though I completely understand why you are.

In order to be treated well by others, you must first start by treating your Self with dignity and respect and self-love. And that starts by stopping the self-harm, difficult as that will be to do. Or perhaps you've already stopped cutting and sewing yourself. If so, I commend and applaud you for treating yourself with the love you deserve.

No one has the right to hurt you, Britney. No one. Always remember that. Treat yourself better than anyone ever has.

You are beautiful. Stop trying to be something that others think is beautiful. When you reach for that kind of praise, you give up your power to others. And trust me when I tell you that when you do that, even when you measure up to their definition of "beauty", they change the rules so that you'll never ever measure up. Forget what "they" think or say. Be the person who know her own value, from the inside. Because that's all that matters. What you think of yourself is all that matters. It's the only thing you have any control over. So change your perspective. Change your inner conversation. Tell your Self beautiful things about your Self. And keep telling your Self all those lovely things about your Self, because it's in those statements that there is real truth.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me, Britney. I send you love, light and healing energy.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Apr 28, 2015
Get out of that house NOW!!!
by: Anonymous

Britney, your so-called family are wrong and so is everyone else. You're not fat; you're not ugly; you're very beautiful. As for your so-called boyfriend, you need to dump him, Next time your abusers (including your "parents") hurt you again, please consider reporting them, all of them, to the authorities ASAP. No one should ever go through that.

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