Still Comes Back

by K.G.
(United Kingdom)

I'm now forty but the fact I was abused in every way for almost half of my life still comes back.

I thought I had dealt with it, clearly I haven't.
Starts at an early age (physical) I could go through it all but I won't.

I became suicidal at 11, tried to end my miserable life (my uncle stared sexually abusing me at 9)

Empathy. I was told I had so much so I decided to follow my dreams and become a child councillor. I really believed i could help but their account's drove me away from that line of work, listening to them opened festering wounds within me.

I became addicted to drugs at 13 then ran away at 16. Coming from an Asian background as mine was really difficult as I wasn't the 'traditional' girl I was meant to be, as a result I was beaten, choked and covered in so many bruises that (not) going to school for a week at a time became commonplace in my world.

I despised but loved my parents. I remember them telling me 'if you tell anyone what happens, they will take you away. You'll never see your brothers or us again' At the time I saw a light in telling on them but I loved them deeply. I hated myself, convinced it was all on me.

I remember I found a purse once and I hid it and my mother found it, convinced I was lying they both beat me, my father straddled my chest and was beating my face with a heavy leather sandal. My mother egging him on over his shoulder.

One other incident I will recount is when myself and a friend were followed to her house by a man who stood outside watching, her sister called my mother after she got home. That night I endured such sadistic punishment from my mother. I thought I was going to die.

Depression followed me for over 20 years. I am mother to three wonderful children. My daughters are my world and my hubby too. I'm so happy but I have such bouts of anger it scares me. I'm sorry if I rambled :)

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Comments for Still Comes Back

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Feb 02, 2016
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I remember the first time everything came flooding back to me after I'd "dealt" with what happened to me as a child. I was confused, frustrated and asking myself the same question you probably are: I thought I had already gotten over all this stuff. Then I came to realize that I wasn't giving myself enough credit for the work I had already done. In essence, I was beating myself up for not doing enough, which was kind of like taking the reins from my own parents. It wasn't necessary for them to abuse me as an adult, I was already doing it to myself. Then I came to understand something that was life-altering: Whenever the memories came flooding back and I was struck by the feelings and emotions of those terrible times, it was my body, mind and soul telling me I was ready for deeper healing. That the deeper healing could not and would not take place without all the work I had already done to prepare myself for even more healing.

K.G. healing is a process. It's not a one-time thing that one gets over. Our lives and the lives of those we love around us can easily trigger something long forgotten. Tell yourself that when this happens. See it as an opportunity for you to heal on a much deeper level than the healing you've already done.

Your 40's can be a glorious time of self-discovery. As you move through the various ages and stages of your life, and as you watch your children do the same, you may find yourself remembering things you thought had been buried. Don't be afraid when these remembrances resurface. Choose to see them not as something to fear, but rather, something to work through, this time without all the fear you carried as a helpless vulnerable child. Tap into your own wonderful parenting skills to give your inner child all that she missed out on because of the brutality of your parents. Use what you have already learned to sort of "re-parent" your inner child. You can do this both with internal dialogue and by treating your Self with the dignity, respect and self love that wasn't present when you were a child. Don't ever put your Self down. And if you do, immediately tell your Self the exact opposite. Eventually you will look at your Self differently. These are all techniques I used to help my own Self. I do hope they'll work for you too.

I send you love, light and healing energy, K.G. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Feb 03, 2016
Wow Darlene
by: Beth

I am a survivor too and I have dealt with the issues and received counselling. I will be 54 next month and this is the first time someone ever spoke of, or explained the deep seated memories that surface at the most unexpected times. Now I know what has been happening to me since my counselling ended. Thank you. Your comments help those of us that haven't been able to write yet. Thank you.

Feb 08, 2016
Still Comes Back
by: Carol

I too experience times when "it still comes back" although now its not with actual memories with visuals. Even the body memories have mostly stopped. And I thought it would be that way for ever. lol. Its more emotional memories that don't always have a name or even an event - just can't shake off a feeling sometimes until I can put a finger on it. Like a place or event, something someone said that was awkward or scary - the "can't trust" feelings even though I didn't understand at the time. The more we can identify and know what it was/is - the more we can heal. The more we understand that it wasn't our fault, we didn't just imagine the abuse and put it on our self like we were led to believe. That's just not the truth.
The truth is that we were innocent children who had our innocence hidden from us. Our innocence was hidden from us with lies and pain. We were made to feel guilty - another lie - it is their guilt, their lies, not ours. Acknowledging the Truth peels back the lies and heals the pain and then we realize that our child within is still just as innocent as we were then. We always were innocent because the guilt was not ours in the first place. Ok off my soap box. lol

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