Started as a Toddler

by Amelia (not real name for safty)
(Location Undisclosed)

It all started when I was two or three well my earliest memories anyway. My father would come into my room and sexually touch me and rape me in my private areas from ages 2-5 then again for just touching at 7-8 then again for touching at 11-15. Im 19 now and I'm in councelling but I still have trouble talking about it though it has been a year and a half since I told the police. I have struggled with how I feel about myself. I am ashamed and feel like I am a sl*t and wh**e even though I know I shouldn't feel that way. But feeling and knowing are two different things. I still feel it is my fault for it happening to my younger sister and friend because I didn't tell when it happened to me but I was told and promised that he never ever did that horrible thing to anyone else and I stupidly believed him. Anyway he got two years in jail but only because he plead guilty. If he didn't plead guilty then he would have gotten away with it. Any way Thank you for reading my story I know it is vague but I don't like the details of what happened so yeah.

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Jul 23, 2015
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Many who visit here will understand when you say there is a difference between knowing something logically and feeling something else emotionally. What is really important here is to understand how that abuser groomed you. You were 2. 2! Have you looked at a 2-year-old lately. Have you considered that a 2-year-old cannot possibly do anything to stop a grown person from abusing them. Now think about that for a moment. Don't think about what happened when you were older. Think about what happened when you were so very young. That abuser took advantage of your innocence, then took it away from you from a very young age. He set you up for keeping the secret. He set you up for further abuse. The question isn't why you didn't tell, but rather, how could you tell. He convinced you from the start that telling was unnecessary, but also that you wouldn't be believed even if you did. Or worse, that you would be the one blamed for it. And know you're doing the same to your Self. You've taken the torch from the abuser by blaming your Self and calling your Self horrific names. Yes, I'm being firm here, and I feel as though I must be firm. You are doing to your Self emotionally what the abuser did to you physically and sexually. That has got to stop. Whenever you find yourself calling yourself such disgusting names, STOP. Tell yourself the exact opposite. When you call yourself such degrading things, you are having a conversation with the Universe. And that conversation will bring on more of the same in your life. Choose a better dialogue to have with your Self. You didn't deserve to be mistreated and abused. You certainly don't deserve the mental beatdown you keep giving your Self now. Please. See the value in Who You Really Are. Replace those terrible thoughts and names as soon as you realize you've again embraced them. Then look for ways to treat your Self with the dignity, respect and love you deserve.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me. I send you enormous amounts of healing energy.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

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