So Very Troubled

by Travis
(Location Undisclosed)

ive been on here before, and any normal person would have listened to the advice. problem # 1 im a alcoholic... I wake up to not wanting to drink, but by days end... I crave, but when I drink, I think of all the things back when I was a child. and wonder what that feels like... only to find pain. how could he? how was that enjoyable?

anyways... that all happened back when, and yes, I have a drinking prob...

this last new years I was drinking with some underage teenagers, and things got fuzzy.

I woke up in me and my wifes bed naked, and found out that I tried hitting on a 16 yo girl... idk if I did, but my wife smelled me and said it smelled like a rubber... since then we have been arguing about everything and anything. the worst part is her son is autistic, and I love with all my heart, but past thought come in.... I know im not gay, but I remember the feeling when I was his age... im sick, and just want it all to end. is there a way out? I love my wife, but I don't want to hurt OUR family... just tell me if I should leave. id do it. I swear... ps I found out he wasn't my bio dad. how could some1 ruin anothers life? not to mention ive been trying to get my wife to leave me...just so I don't hurt our family anymore. how f***ed up am I to be able and willing to do this?



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Comments for So Very Troubled

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May 07, 2015
Travis:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

You were dealt a terrible hand. That's obvious. And what happened to you, what you endured as a child, left you more broken than many people realize. In your broken-ness you have turned to a substance that has now taken control. That doesn't mean you have no power yourself. You do. You most definitely have power, but you must chose to exercise that power if you have any hope of bringing real change into your life.

Right now, you are acting in ways that continue to pass on your power to someone else. And in doing so, you don't have to take any responsibility. By making it so your wife leaves you, you don't have to accept the accountability and responsibility of your own actions. After all, in your version of life, she leaves you. This is a pattern in your life that you must break.

Let whatever happened that night be the catalyst that shakes you up enough to make the changes needed, not just for you, but for your family. Travis, you have more than just yourself to consider. It's time to move out of victimhood and into adulthood.

I know you want to stop drinking. And I know that every day you go in with honourable intentions, only to find that part way through the day, you fall again. So it's more important to come up with a plan to deal with how it is that you fall so that when those feelings and emotions hit you and you want to drink to bury them, you have something else to fall back on instead.

No one does this stuff alone. Find a program that will provide you with support. You clearly have access online, so do some Internet research. Not only do you deserve to bring healing into your life, your family deserves to have you present and healthy.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me. I send you love, light and healing energy, Travis. As well as encouragement. You took a big step by being honest here. Take the next one. And the one after that. You don't have to leap, just one step at a time. And of course, the willingness to take each step. It's all up to you.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

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