Reliving Memories

by Shane
(Location Undisclosed)

I wasn't abused as a child, but as of late I keep reliving memories of the violence I witnessed between my parents and siblings to the point where I am going over it in my head every day. I worry that what I saw has had an impact on me and I wonder if I would have been a different person if my past had been different. Generally I don't speak much and can go for several days without saying a word. People find me strange maybe but I can't help it. I am harmless and I do try to think about my experiences positively. Reliving memories still hurts me though and I feel like the wound will never close. I feel like my sensitivity will never callous over.


I have a lot of respect for the people who have been through child abuse because they are worth very much, much more than they know. They have life experience that lots of people don't have and that maybe they can harness to help others. They may have old souls even if they are young but they are beautiful souls too. There is nothing wrong with having a wise soul.

I wanted to post on here several times before but I was too scared. May I note I have used an alias name.



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Comments for Reliving Memories

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Feb 12, 2016
Shane:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

It is perfectly okay to use an alias here on this site. Many prefer to go by anonymous, but no matter the choice of name you choose, it's all about feeling safe to disclose here.

What you witnessed IS abuse. It's emotional abuse, one of the 6 types that falls under terrorizing. And that kind of emotional abuse can be among the most difficult to overcome. You would have felt helpless, perhaps even guilty that your siblings were experiencing violence at the hands of your parents when you weren't. There could have been great confusion on your part as well; not wanting to be punished or mistreated, but also feeling the guilt that you managed to avoid it while your siblings didn't or couldn't avoid it.

I myself experienced both physical and emotional abuse at the hands of my parents, plus other forms as well. But I can tell you with great certainty that the most challenging for me to deal with were the memories of my parents abusing my siblings. It was always easier to receive a beating than it ever was to watch or hear or know that one of my brothers or sisters was being beaten. Their screams lived on in my memories for decades afterward. So I completely understand from where you are coming.

So how did I overcome all this?

I had to teach my Self that I was indeed helpless as a child. That though I had been successful protecting my siblings sometimes in my childhood, I was still too small to be able to all the time. That when they did something that my parents believed warranted a beating, there was nothing I could do to stop it. I had to teach my Self that my parents were the culprits, not me. That I had no control over the situation. That THEY had all the power, and that they wielded that power in a misguided, twisted and vile way. In short, I had to convince my Self it wasn't my fault.

Shane, what happened wasn't your fault. You had no power. Your parents had all the power and misused it terribly.

There is something else I will share that helped me in my healing: When I learned that the body responds to memories of abuse (complete with the emotional attachment to those memories) in the same unhealthy way it responds when abuse is actually taking place, that shook me up. It made me realize I had to find another way. So whenever these memories cropped up or were triggered in me, I would immediately tell my Self it wasn't my fault, that I couldn't have done anything to prevent what happened, and that I was and am a good person. Try embracing that as a meme. Try seeing things from a different perspective. Because as long as you continue to see things in the way that you do, your body will respond over time in a way that is less than desirable, with illness and dis-ease. I don't want this for you. I'm sure you don't either.

And just because you yourself weren't physically abused doesn't mean that you can't use what happened to you to help others. Witnessing abuse is one of the most misunderstood of the emotional abuse category. Perhaps it will fall upon you to help change that.

I send you love, light and healing energy, Shane. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

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