Plagued With Memories

by Anonymous Teen
(Location Undisclosed)

I honestly don't remember much of my childhood. I was so deep in depression that it's all a blur. I do remember some things and the things I remember make it harder to live like a teenager. I should be able to hang out with my friends without the fear of one of them getting too close and touching me. I should be able to have a boyfriend. I should be able to live a normal life as a 14-year-old. But instead I'm plagued with painful memories.

The first memory of abuse happened was one I was 7. I had just made my first real friend. I was going over to her house to have a sleepover. I was happy for once. I remember getting to her house and her brother was there. He was way older than me but still in high school. I was in her room trying to fall asleep and she was still up watching tv in the living room. Right before I fell asleep her brother came into her room. I don't know if he thought I was asleep or if he just didn't care. He took off the covers and began touching me. He just touched me but didn't rape me yet. I still felt gross though. I knew that people weren't supposed to touch you till you were older and that it should be someone you love.

Every time I went over to her house he would do the same thing. He would just touch me. He once even took a few pictures. The fact that he took pictures might've been the worst. Because when I learn what child pornography was I cried and cried but still didn't tell anyone. I know that some disgusting person could be looking at those pictures of me right now.

Then a few years later I went to a camp reunion. One of the male staff that worked there followed me into a coat closet and began touching me. I was too afraid to go to camp next year because he would be there. So yeah. There is some more stuff but I'm going to continue to keep that to my self.

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Comments for Plagued With Memories

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Mar 04, 2016
To Anonymous Teen:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

The thing about keeping what happened to you to yourself is that the possibility of healing gets buried right along with those secrets. And of course, the abusers count on their victims keeping the secret so they can continue to abuse others without having to pay the price. That's how they operate. They target the young and vulnerable, knowing that as abusers they are safe from criminal charges, safe from any repercussions.

Your ability to trust has been shattered as a result of the abuse inflicted on you, by your friend's older brother and by the male camp
staff member. But it doesn't always have to be that way.

The number 1 reason victims of sexual abuse don't tell is because they are afraid they won't be believed. That's why it's so important to tell someone who can be trusted: a school counsellor, for example, especially if you don't think your parents can be trusted to believe you. Friends can be supportive, but not in the way a trusted adult can be, an adult who can point you to other resources to help you heal.

Another reason for not telling is the shame, blame and guilt that victims often feel. Just know and understand that you have nothing to feel shame about. You did nothing wrong. It wasn't your fault ANY of the times. Shame, blame and guilt are strictly with the abusers for what they did to you.

You didn't say where you live...if you're in the USA, consider contacting Child Help at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) in order to talk to someone. They are staffed 24/7 with professionally trained counsellors who will listen to you. They are not a reporting agency, although they can help you through the process of reporting if you decide to disclose the abuse. Visit their website by copying & pasting the following URL into your browser:

You do deserve to have friends without fear that one of them or one of their family members will abuse you in some way. Just understand that you were much younger when you were abused by your friend's brother. Too young to be able to do much about what he was doing. You're not nearly as vulnerable now as a 14-year-old. And it is possible to set parameters with your friends that still maintain the friendship that keep you at a safe distance from a possible attack, such as no sleepovers or visiting the home of a friend. Have the sleepovers and visits at your place, assuming that's okay with your parents.

You do deserve to have a boyfriend. And that will happen at some point, but right now you must focus on your healing. Part of that healing is disclosure. Keep in mind that the male staff member at that camp is very likely still molesting other unsuspecting children. If someone doesn't speak up, he'll continue to do what he did to you, and maybe worse. He's at that camp because it fills an urge for him, a filthy sick & twisted urge that he's already acted upon. It's up to the camp organizers to do what needs to be done so that he can't hurt any other children, but they can't do that if his victims don't let them know.

Reach out for help, Anonymous Teen. Talk to someone, otherwise this will plague and haunt you and show up in so many dysfunctional ways throughout your life. You deserve so much more than that.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me. I send you love, light and healing energy.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Mar 04, 2016
Plagued With Memories
by: Carol

Hi Anonymous Teen,

It is hard to deal with memories when you're dealing with them all by yourself. And I'm sorry you experienced that from these guys. Touch is very personal and when done in an invasive and abusive way, it takes the joy from what should feel safe and loving. What happened to you wasn't your fault and I hope you know that. What they did was totally about what kind of persons they are.

From all my experiences I found the ones that I talked about as soon as the abuse happened to be the ones that no longer bother me. Its the memories/experiences that I kept to myself for many years that I am still sorting through, although much less painful now. I would like to encourage you to find a person you can trust - like your parents or student counselor or someone you know who would support you if you told them. A good counselor can help you learn to be able to accept touch again in healthy ways and help you heal so that, in time, you can go on to have healthy relationships.

Take care of you and let someone help you. Sincerely Carol

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