Not Believed

by DoesAnyoneHearMe
(New Jersey, USA)

I want to tell my story...and many will not believe no one ever did when I told it in the first place.

I am looking for someone to talk to about what happened. I am currently 28 years old. The last time someone abused me, I was 17. The first time it happened, I was 14. My father's wife went on vacation, and I thought it was a treat to sleep in my father's bed--I set myself up, even though I didn't have any bad intentions. I hadn't been allowed to sleep with my parents ever...I have a tendency to kick and move around.

My dad let me sleep in bed with him. I fell asleep. When I woke up, my father was "going down" on me. I was only 14. Now, I would say that it was abuse, but I didn't stop it. He made me "feel good." He told me I reminded him of my mom (who had passed away a few years earlier)..I didn't ever say No. I never said No...and I went back a few nights later...Dumb ass...even though I knew it was wrong... I've never admitted this to anyone before. It's my fault because I went back, knowing he was going to do it again. It felt good. I felt good. I felt a connection between my father and I...that had never happened before...

And then I started misbehaving in school...I went from a straight A honors student to a f**ked up girl who cut herself...and wanted to be caught. I started to do drugs (not REAL drugs...because they scared me) but I took a few stackers hoping someone would notice SOMETHING was DIFFERENT and take me away. I started bringing vodka to school in water bottles because I thought someone would notice...and no one really did. I knew I didn't want to be anywhere near this daddy...who pretended like nothing ever happened.

Then, one day, after a fight, I left my dad's house. I moved in with my deceased Mom's best godmother...and her husband and 2 sons. I was 16.

I was watching a movie with my godmother's 2 younger sons and her husband. Her husband started touching me under the blankets. I didn't stop him. Again, I was wrong. His two sons were RIGHT THERE. He made me climax. I felt good. Again...I didn't stop him.

A few months later, I woke up to their 12-year-old son pulling back my shorts and touch me. I decided "That's IT!" It's one thing for older men to touch me but a CHILD?!?!?! I said to myself "F*** THIS!" and went to my godmother and her husband and said I had awoken to their son touching me. My godmother didn't believe me, but didn't question me. I had told her about my father, and she didn't believe me that time. She must have thought about "the child that cried wolf."

I've been looking for somewhere I can be anonymous and say these things...and I just happened to find this page.

I'm sure some won't believe me, but I just needed to say this to move on.

I will never truly move on. My experience when I was a child was limited, but the few adult men I encountered took advantage of me.

I wasn't a child prostitute. I wasn't involved in the slave trade. Many have it worse. But, I can't get over what was done to me.

I was just a normal American girl who grew up in a normal American family...who's Daddy touched her...and several others.

I still have nightmares about these things that happened to me so many years ago. There are times my boyfriend is trying to make me feel "good" and then I randomly think about the first time it ever happened. And then I feel dirty...I feel stupid and ignorant and evil...I think about the fact that first time I ever felt "good" was when my daddy was the reason...and I should have said stop...I should have said no...but I didn't.

I'm lucky to have a boyfriend who loves me and tries to understand...but sometimes I feel like even he may not believe me...but I'll never tell him many times can a girl really call wolf?

I wish I could truly move on. I wish I could face every bad thing that has ever happened. I wish I could accept the fact that worse COULD have happened.

But I can't.

I hope there's a day where someone reads this and understands they're not alone.

I feel like I am alone every moment of every day.

I feel like it's my maybe I invited this when I was nothing but a child.

But I was nothing but a child. And I will honestly say this...if I ever have a daughter, she will never feel as I did...she will never be alone.

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Comments for Not Believed

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Feb 10, 2016
To DoesAnyoneHearMe:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I'm going to say many things here. The first: I believe you. The second: I know you're telling the truth. The third: None of it was your fault. NONE OF IT!

You are so riddled with guilt that you've lost sight of who the real culprits were and why and how.

Your father was responsible for protecting you and keeping you safe from harm. You were vulnerable and young, and he took complete advantage of that. He took you to a sexual place of pleasure which is not uncommon among those being abused. That does not mean it was your fault. It means your body responded in a very natural way. And then your father used your vulnerability in an even worse way. He used your mother to gain a further hold over you, to groom you from your place of need and longing. It comes as no surprise that you would want more. It is very easy to confuse sex for loving, especially as an adolescent who's hormones were more than waking up. But you have nothing to feel shame for. There was a dynamic present that had you swept up in it, and that is completely on your father. Your responded as a teenager being manipulated and used in the most inappropriate way; physically, emotionally and sexually.

The husband of your godmother did the same thing as your father. He was in a position of authority over you. That means that consent was not possible. The fact that you "allowed" it to happen was a function of what you were confused about: the difference between sex and love. And of course, how bloody good it felt. And let's face it, sex does feel good. There, I've said it. Sex is supposed to feel good. And just because you were molested and manipulated into doing the deed doesn't make it any less criminal against those men.

The 12-year-old son of your godmother, that's a whole different thing. Way too much going on with him to go into here. But consider that it was the straw that broke the camel's back, to quote a long overused metaphor. If nothing else, it showed that you had morals. So don't for one second think you didn't.

The men who took advantage of you later were creeps. Trollers for women who were scarred so they could get their own jollies. They deserve as much consideration as they gave you: none at all.

I do not agree that you can "never truly move on". But if YOU believe it, then you won't. You must re-frame what happened to you for healing to begin. Read and re-read and re-read again my comments to you. The next time you remember and blame your Self, remind your Self that the blame lies squarely on the shoulders of the 2 men who were in charge of your well being. Two men who took the worst advantage of a young adolescent during a terribly vulnerable time in her life. And if you have difficulty accepting that at 14 and 16 respectively you weren't in a position to grant consent, then consider if this were YOUR 14- or 16-year-old daughter you were talking to. Put your Self in an internal parental role, if that helps. It sure helped me when I couldn't get past certain aspects of my childhood, when I took so much responsibility for what I went through. Then have an internal dialogue with your inner Self, that teenage girl who was so vulnerable and so needing love. Comfort her. Tell her what happened wasn't her fault. Tell her all things she really needs to hear. Because no matter how many times I say it or others say it here, she needs to hear it from you. That 14/16-year-old is crying out for you to love her and accept her. She needs your unconditional love.

I DO hear you. And I DO see why you feel as your do. And I DO believe you can get beyond all this. You have it in you, I know you do. And I have faith that you WILL find healing. You just have to believe in your SELF first.

I send you love, light and healing energy. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Feb 11, 2016
Not Believed
by: Carol

I believe you. And Darlene is right...your dad took you to a sexual place....when he should have been respectful of your sexuality. He should have recognized that it wouldn't be a good situation for him or you. As the parent, that was his job to guide you and teach you to be proud of who you are.

I can relate to the guilt you feel about not saying stop. I was fondled by 3 of my brothers, a neighbor boy, and my dad hid his sexual games inside roughhousing. I didn't say no to my brothers either. I just lay there and let them do it till, like you, I said no more. My dad - well he believed he could hurt whoever he wanted in his own house so saying no to him was pointless. I finally said no to him as an adult after my children were born.

You have to recognize that you were able to come to a place where you were able to say no and you did. You have to give yourself credit for that. Recognizing that is a big step towards recovery.

For your godmother's husband to be abusing you and then their sons pursuing you, to me says that these boys have also been molested, quite possibly by one or both of their parents and perhaps even coached to do what they did.

Some who have been abused do find it pleasurable but that doesn't make what the abuser is doing right. There are lines being crossed between relationship roles that are just inappropriate to be engaging someone under their care in sexual activity.

I ask do you have access to counselling where you can explore taking this up with police? At some point you may want to check that avenue if for no other reason, to prevent other girls from being molested or raped.

I do hope you have found some peace by writing here. :)

Mar 24, 2016
I believe you
by: Anonymous

I have been there. I was 14. I was sexually abused by a teacher. I told my mom, and expected her to stop it-- but not only did she NOT stop It, BUT she encouraged it and basically aided in the sexual abuse by telling me confusing information such as, I should be flattered that he chose me. She would sit and compose letters for ME to write, that she had me give to the abuser that were filled with filth. She wanted to hear about every encounter. And since I knew no better, I just went along with it. Now, that sounds about as strange as it can get, and I am sure a lot of people may not believe me, but it is true. And it has affected me for my entire life. I'm 53 now.

I have had therapy and that has helped me reframe these incidents, but it is still an issue in my life that has caused me emotional pain. I have confronted my mom years later and she just denied the entire thing and called me a "liar" and said what she always did -- "you were a ------, and you chose to be promiscuous and if you don't watch It, I'm going to tell everyone what you are like".

To this threat, which she hung over my head ALL MY LIFE to keep me afraid and submissive to her (all the way until this year), I finally said- "No Mom, you were an equal party to the sexual abuse I suffered. It had nothing to do with promiscuity on my part. I was 14. I had no consent. I came to you to stop it, and you only joined in and fueled the sexual abuse more. You are as guilty as the sexual abuser, if not more, because you were supposed to protect me, but instead you indulged your own warped sexual fantasy. To this she exploded and said-- "You liar, you liar", but I knew that she knew. She knew that the jig is up and I DID remember exactly what happened and she could no longer use this as a blackmail on me anymore.

In the end, she created a lie to tell my siblings and father, and because they are basically afraid of her evil wrath, they chose to side with her and cut me out of their lives. But I have no regrets that I finally told her that I know exactly what happened. I was the VICTIM. I am not responsible for what happened to me. And no matter how preposterous the story may seem, it's true. And it was traumatizing. Just like yours is traumatizing to you. But you, too, were and are the VICTIM. At the age we were, we had no say or ability to deal with what was happening to us. We put our trust in people who broke it. And that was their fault, NOT OURS.

Please find the help you need. A therapist will believe you. Things like what happened to you are not uncommon. We just feel like they are because we don't know what to do and didn't know what to do at the time. You are fortunate to have a boyfriend who is understanding. My husband is too, and he has been my rock to lean on. I wish you the very best. Always remember that YOU have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about. Your perpetrators do!

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