Nineteen And Addicted
Just recently turned 19. Throughout my whole pre-teen life I've been addicted to porn and masturbation. I hardly ever have sex due to the embarrassment of not being able to get an erection at times. When I do successfully have sex I always try to force my partner to eat my semen or ejaculate in her anus. I wish I can go back to stop EVERYTHING.
I was 6 years old. Most of my life I've lived in apartments. My mother was a deadbeat, a pot smoker and a junkie. My father was an alcoholic and was never home. I would go to sleep starving sometimes. A man moved in right in front of us. Name G. Younger guy, single and right away I noticed him because of the huge collection of video games he had. He would always have his door open but his screen door closed and I'd always hear when he'd be playing video games and smell whenever he was cooking or brought food. He always noticed me outside. Eventually, he met my mom. She never really cared for him.
Months went by and I grew attached to him. Little by little, he would let me in to play games and he took advantage of that. There were moments when he and I would playfully wrestle in his house and he got all touchy. He told me it was ok yet I didn't mind because I never wanted to go home. There were times when he would spank my bottom and he would talk/tease me and I would play back and moon him. Playing that way with him was normal and would happen daily.
One day he asked me if I was hungry and like always I said yes. I saw him touching himself under his shorts and he told me if I wanted "to see it". I wasn't sure if I wanted to answer. I hesitated and just said yes. He asked me to touch it and I willingly obeyed. I remember going home not know what to feel. But at least I ate again.
I wanted to ask my mom about it but I knew she wouldn't care so I never told anyone. I thought twice about going to his house, but it was either go to his house have fun, eat food but get touched or stay home with Mom, get no love and go to sleep hungry like always. So I went to his house.
Things got to the point where I was walking around naked in his apartment while watching a movie or playing video games as he touched me on the couch. He would fondle me and would finger me. When I slept over, we'd sleep naked and he would would penetrate my bottom while telling me that he promised me to buy
me something the next day. All this when on till I was 11. By age 9-10 I was performing oral sex with him and him to me, having sex in the living room sleeping over, taking showers with him and everything in between. He manipulated me in saying that he loved me as a son. I believed him which is why I would always protect him and did what he told me to do. However, I felt that fathers didn't do this with their sons.
One evening he made me give him oral sex and after he finished he told me to give a rolled up paper to my mom. He seemed to be in a hurry. This wasn't the first time he gave me a rolled up paper to give to my mom. I never looked at it or anything I just went straight to my mom and handed it to her and she'd tell me to get out of her face. Only this time I was curious. When I went home I went to the bathroom instead. When I looked inside, I saw that it was money. All I saw was a few hundred dollar bills. Not until I was 13 did i realize that this man was paying my mom to have his way with me. My mom knew all these years what was going on and she never said a word at all for getting paid. I remember feeling angry every time i would look at her and I just want to know what she thinks of me.
After I turned 12 we moved out of town and we never saw him again. I started my addiction to porn and unfortunately for me, I began masturbating more and more while fantasizing about G giving me oral. I feel like my life is wasting away by the day. I am trash. I feel like trash and my life right now is trash. I never had a girlfriend in high school because I always questioned my sexuality. When I'd be with a girl I would always want oral or anal sex. I have no friends and I never go out. I want him out of my head and these feelings out of my head. If I were to run into him I am not quite sure what I'd do. I hope I never do though.
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