Nineteen And Addicted

by LC

Just recently turned 19. Throughout my whole pre-teen life I've been addicted to porn and masturbation. I hardly ever have sex due to the embarrassment of not being able to get an erection at times. When I do successfully have sex I always try to force my partner to eat my semen or ejaculate in her anus. I wish I can go back to stop EVERYTHING.

I was 6 years old. Most of my life I've lived in apartments. My mother was a deadbeat, a pot smoker and a junkie. My father was an alcoholic and was never home. I would go to sleep starving sometimes. A man moved in right in front of us. Name G. Younger guy, single and right away I noticed him because of the huge collection of video games he had. He would always have his door open but his screen door closed and I'd always hear when he'd be playing video games and smell whenever he was cooking or brought food. He always noticed me outside. Eventually, he met my mom. She never really cared for him.

Months went by and I grew attached to him. Little by little, he would let me in to play games and he took advantage of that. There were moments when he and I would playfully wrestle in his house and he got all touchy. He told me it was ok yet I didn't mind because I never wanted to go home. There were times when he would spank my bottom and he would talk/tease me and I would play back and moon him. Playing that way with him was normal and would happen daily.

One day he asked me if I was hungry and like always I said yes. I saw him touching himself under his shorts and he told me if I wanted "to see it". I wasn't sure if I wanted to answer. I hesitated and just said yes. He asked me to touch it and I willingly obeyed. I remember going home not know what to feel. But at least I ate again.

I wanted to ask my mom about it but I knew she wouldn't care so I never told anyone. I thought twice about going to his house, but it was either go to his house have fun, eat food but get touched or stay home with Mom, get no love and go to sleep hungry like always. So I went to his house.

Things got to the point where I was walking around naked in his apartment while watching a movie or playing video games as he touched me on the couch. He would fondle me and would finger me. When I slept over, we'd sleep naked and he would would penetrate my bottom while telling me that he promised me to buy me something the next day. All this when on till I was 11. By age 9-10 I was performing oral sex with him and him to me, having sex in the living room sleeping over, taking showers with him and everything in between. He manipulated me in saying that he loved me as a son. I believed him which is why I would always protect him and did what he told me to do. However, I felt that fathers didn't do this with their sons.

One evening he made me give him oral sex and after he finished he told me to give a rolled up paper to my mom. He seemed to be in a hurry. This wasn't the first time he gave me a rolled up paper to give to my mom. I never looked at it or anything I just went straight to my mom and handed it to her and she'd tell me to get out of her face. Only this time I was curious. When I went home I went to the bathroom instead. When I looked inside, I saw that it was money. All I saw was a few hundred dollar bills. Not until I was 13 did i realize that this man was paying my mom to have his way with me. My mom knew all these years what was going on and she never said a word at all for getting paid. I remember feeling angry every time i would look at her and I just want to know what she thinks of me.

After I turned 12 we moved out of town and we never saw him again. I started my addiction to porn and unfortunately for me, I began masturbating more and more while fantasizing about G giving me oral. I feel like my life is wasting away by the day. I am trash. I feel like trash and my life right now is trash. I never had a girlfriend in high school because I always questioned my sexuality. When I'd be with a girl I would always want oral or anal sex. I have no friends and I never go out. I want him out of my head and these feelings out of my head. If I were to run into him I am not quite sure what I'd do. I hope I never do though.

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Comments for Nineteen And Addicted

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Mar 15, 2016
To LC:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

You were groomed by this man, taken advantage of by your youth and vulnerability. And what's even more disturbing is that your mom would be willing to sell her son for sex so she could get her fix. Or at the very least, she found out what was going on and made a deal with this pedophile. Either way, what she did was the most betraying thing she could ever do to you. Sick and twisted just aren't strong enough words.

You still blame your Self, LC, blame that doesn't belong on your shoulders. He manipulated and coerced you. He knew that as a child you'd be interested in the video games. He knew you were essentially abandoned at home, so he knew exactly what to do to get you to come forward. He provided the attention and fun you were missing, especially early on. And as he wheedled himself into your psyche, he escalated his intentions, all under the guise of "loving you like a son". He messed with your head, which was easy to do because of your age and the needs that weren't getting met. So don't ever blame your Self.

You are now 19, and you've graphically stated what your sexual preferences are as a result of all that you went through with the pedophile. I don't know if you're going to go through life with these urges. But I do know that if you don't get some kind of help dealing with and processing what happened to you, nothing will change. I do know that your urges are directly tied into the debasement of the pedophile, and re-enacting the scenes with you the one in control now is a way to take back your power from a time when you really didn't have any. It's a form of transference.

All who have been abused and are still dealing with the adverse repercussions would like to go back and change everything so that it didn't happen at all, so that life can be normal. But what IS normal, really. I don't think I've ever come across a single person who doesn't have something adverse to deal with from their childhood or adolescence. It's not so much what someone had to go through as much as it's about what that person is going to do as an adult to use what happened to them in a purposeful way, a way that can help make the world a better place. But before one can get there, one must at the very least begin the healing process. Because without some kind of healing, the pain will always get in the way.

You CAN heal from this, LC. But you must first believe that you can heal from it, then be willing to look at things with a fresh perspective. Not by giving into your urges, but by recognizing where those urges come from, why and how seeing them in a different light can change everything in your way of thinking now.

You're not a bad person, LC. You've had bad things done to you. You were and still are worthy of love, respect and dignity. The messages you got from both the pedophile and your mother are not the messages you want to keep. Those messages aren't worthy of you. They don't hold value for you. Find a way to change up those nasty negative messages in favour of the healthy ones. You survived the worst of it already. You CAN move forward from being a victim to being not only a survivor, but a thriver. I believe in you, LC. Believe in your Self.

I send you love, light and healing energy. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Mar 15, 2016
a song i send to my own kids i wanted to show you
by: Anonymous

can I send a song please
its appropriate and good

you ment for so much more
an your destiny no one can change

Apr 18, 2016
Thank you. It's very difficult.
by: LC

I never thought of it the way you described it Darlene. Because of your comment I have been able to sleep well for awhile now. However it’s really hard for me to not think about everything that happened especially with my mom. I get so pissed off Darlene and honestly it's not because she excepted money from this man its because of the type of person she is. None of this would of happened to me if she would of just lived her life better and not be such a lazy nothing. I needed her so much but even at a young age I knew I was not going to find attention from her. She had alot of opportunities to change her life for the better but she decided not to. I would honestly rather live with G then her. I'm sorry. I don't mean to make this about my mother. I drive now and believe it or not, I drove to the apartments where it happened out of curiosity if G still lived there. Not sure if he does. I know it's prabably not the best idea to see search him out but theres so much I want to know. I know he's a monster and theres so much more I wanted to write. He paid to be with me, he's everyones worse nightmare but the thing that always puts me in a state of confusion even at 19 is when he acted like a human being with me. What about when he fed me or put new clothing on my back, helped me with my homework, signed me up for baseball and went to every game to see me play. Yes, there were many times that we'd sleep naked, but he would then start telling me how important and special I am until i fell asleep. He went to all my school conferences and would tell me how smart I was and that I made him really happy. Did he pay my mother to do all that too? Please forgive me Darlene because i know it sounds like I'm defending him. I'm not i just want answers. I'm confused. I know he took everything from me, the chance of being normal. I convinced myself that I want to find him and confront him. Is this a good idea? Should I even bother? Am I going to hurt him if I do? I don't know. All I know is that I've gotten this much off my chest and its a huge relief. I don't think I've ever felt this way.

May 02, 2016
To my new found friend and brother
by: Alexander

L.C i'm nineteen too and we almost share the same story. I don't think it will be a good idea for you to go looking for him with all these thoughts in your mind. Truth be told from all what you have said i feel it will be so easy for him to convince you to go down with him again.. Have you tried talking to Jesus Christ, He has helped me made sense out if all dat has happened to me.. i still have my down times when i want to have sex so urgent with a boy but i remember my relationship with God
L.c God is ready to listen to you, have faith and pray to him and instead of allowing ur past bother you, why not b a vessel of change. Help others out there like us. God loves you bro, trust him

May 06, 2016
To Alexander
by: L.C

Ever since we moved it's like I always imagined G popping out of nowhere and saying hi to me. And believe it or not I was hoping he did. I missed him after we moved. Im not talking about all the nasty crap he did to me or made me do, I'm talking about the relationship I had with him as a person. He was all I had, and depended on which is why its so hard for me to forget about him. I didn't pass by his place to fight him. Honestly I didn’t think of anything going there. My mind was blank. I was ready for ANYTHING. No. I was not going to allow him to have his way with me again. I am sure of that. But he wasn't there. I don't think he even lives there anymore. And maybe it's a good thing. Maybe I'm not ment to ever see him again. Who knows. However every positive thing I ever did I did it because of him. And even though I havent seen him since I was 12, whenever I successfully did something positive I would remember how he would always say, "You did a good job. Do more great things". He was the only person who spoke to me that way. So I ask, how am I suppose to forget about him? I even carry the name he gave me unfortunately. LC (Little Chris). When i was in baseball at 8 years old my Coaches heard G call me by that name. And so that how my team called me by and I thought it was the coolest thing ever that I had a nickname. But now its not that cool. Its tearing me apart slowly because I want to forget. I want to read your story one day Alexander. I know it's hard to get started though. Thanks for reading my story.

To L.C. from Darlene Barriere - Webmaster: It's not about forgetting, no one can do that. It's about gaining perspective and understanding what he really did to you. And he did that by grooming you. That's what abusers do. They find what is needing in a child's life and they provide it. Then of course the child considers it love. But it isn't love, it's calculated, a way to get what the abuser wants out of a child and a way to ensure the child feels dependent on their abuser and doesn't tell. And now you're dealing with the aftermath as an adult. Just now you are not to blame in any of this. HE is. He knew what he was doing was wrong, but he did it anyway, and now you're left picking up the pieces of your life in a very confused way. Much as it seemed so at the time, he didn't love you in a healthy way, he wanted what wasn't his to take. The fact that you have done good things as a result of the "positivity" is a testament to you. You took what he did provide in your mind as positive and did good things. Give YOUR SELF the credit you deserve. Not him. I send you love, light and healing energy, L.C.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

May 16, 2016
by: Anonymous

I'm very angry with my mom too, for different reasons but it's an anger I know will eventually pass the more I heal.

First, I have limited exposure to her. We talk very rarely.

Second, I do something every day that helps me. For me, that's reading something that educates me about my sexual abuse, something that makes my soul happy (yoga, for me) & I take care of my home - it grounds me. If I get the dishes/laundry/dusting done, if I've educated myself & I've exercised...I feel accomplished. Counseling has a spot in there too but that's not daily. All I'm saying is, never stop moving forward.

Keep trying. Be open to healing. And most importantly, know you're not alone.

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