My Child Victimized

by Elizabeth
(California, USA)

Once a victim of the mother of possible victim by the same abuser: First, I'll give a brief story of my personal experience as a child, then I'll end with my current situation, and fight I will start, this very day, today.

I was molested as a young girl, by my oldest brother. I was afraid, and didn't speak out and tell my parents until I was 22 years old. After co-existing with my abuser my whole life, I finally spoke up and told my parents. At first they were supportive and I felt safe. But as the years went by I have changed medication, I have severe anxiety, depression, paranoia, post traumatic stress and it has all stemmed from living with my abuser for my whole life.

I was mentally stuck as a 5-year-old scared girl. I was constantly bullied, abused mentally, emotionally, and would get beat up by my oldest the point where it completely messed my whole mind up...but basically...some ways I remember him abusing me was through stuffed animals...he has a ant eater stuffed animal... and he would make me kiss it...and kiss me...he would use objects to penetrate me...I remember him jumping out of his bedroom window on the second floor because he heard my dad looking for me...I remember thinking I had started my period in the 3rd grade...but as an adult now I know that wasn't the case...he was so scared...and I remember being afraid telling my mom not to tell anyone that I started my period...and my mom was so blind to it all...but anyways...the real reason I'm sharing my story is because of my two-year-old child.

I have been up most of the night...packing my 2-year-old son's belongings, as well as my own...I've been laying here next to my sleeping toddler, researching and doing my homework on all aspects and signs of child molestation...I am a victim of child molestation, and even after all the effort and constantly keeping my son in my sight, literally. Even when I'm taking a shower, my bathroom door is open and I'm watching through the mirror at my locked bedroom door where my napping toddler is on a daily basis...and all that still didn't protect my son from the evil person who molested me as a child. My oldest brother. He doesn't live in my family's home but he seems to pop up EVERY SINGLE TIME I take a shower...within 5 mins he comes walking through the front door. Even if it's son was out of the house, getting food, with my mother, so I hopped in the shower set my timer for 10 mins, thinking I'd finally get to enjoy a shower without staring into the mirror the whole time watching the door...and finally get some privacy...3 mins after my alarm went off I hear my son screaming "Mommy" and banging on the bathroom door. I didn't even know they were back. I jump out of the shower. Opened the door. Grabbed my son pulled him in the bathroom then threw my towel on, turned off the water and got my stuff, opened the door to see my oldest brother standing in the hallway only wearing basketball shorts...I rushed to the room with my son and locked the door and immediately took off his diaper and checked his butt and smelled his heart sank the minute I saw his little butt red inflamed and irritated...and even worse ...the feeling of failure the moment he flinched and said "ow" when I touched around it...the same little perfect baby bottom I changed less then 30 mins prior...looked completely different. How could I be so selfish? I feel like if I would have never been selfish to take that shower...he would still be "pure" . Now this person, knows I know...because within the hour he physically assaulted me out of nowhere in the laundry room...and I locked my baby in the room with the monitor on so I could go get our blankets without anything happening to him...I checked to see if my abuser had left my home...his car was gone...but he wasn' he is tampering with my home...I went to see if he was here...and found 3 razor blades randomly by the front door...I have to take action. Even though I know there is a chance he can and will do everything possible to try an get my son taken away from me.

I can't lie. I'm nervous and scared. My child is my heart. And I'm afraid of losing him. But, I know that I have no other choice but to take action and protect my child...and myself...pray for me...please. I feel like I'm 5 years old again. The fear is uncontrollable...but my desire to protect my son is giving me faith that I won't go one night without my baby by my side.

Today's the day. Thank you for who ever reads this.

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Comments for My Child Victimized

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May 19, 2015
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

You must do whatever needs to be done. And though this happened a while ago (I've not been able to post many stories on my site as of late, therefore, they've taken considerably longer to go live on the site that is typical), I trust that continued to protect your son from this serial abuser.

And just for the record, you can never blame yourself for what this abuser did to your son, if he did anything at all. Choosing to take a shower is not a selfish act. Choosing to abuse a child is both a criminal and cowardly act. Always remember that the abuser is responsible for his actions. Not you. You did not knowingly put your son in harms way. There is no parent on the planet that can be there for their child 100% of the time. All you can do is the best you can in whatever circumstances you're in. And if you do suspect that something has happened to your son, take the necessary steps to further protect him and keep him safe from additional harm. If you keep blaming yourself, your son will be able to read that, and that in and of itself could be detrimental to his well-being. That's not to say that you must be perfect or that you must not show emotion. But if you are constantly showing him and telling him that you are to blame, that's not good for his well-being either. You are doing the best you can. And yes, that IS good enough.

I send you both love, light and healing energy, Elizabeth. Thank you for sharing both your story and your son's with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

May 20, 2015
tell the authorities
by: Anonymous

Thank you for telling your story. I never had children becuase I was afraid my brother would molest them I lived withmy brother after my Mother died. He never touched me after she died, but he would scare me at school. I finally told him in an e-mail EXACTLY what he did to me, in detail. I can never say anything anymore. I was seven and nine when he molested me. He has a grande daughter and I told him I wanted to protect her from him. I told him even criminals have children.
PLEASE go to the authorities about your brother. You have to protect yourself and your son from further abuse. It is a family illness, a generational illness and it is deadly, really.

Take care.

Jun 22, 2015
Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you for reading my story . Just wanted to update, i jus came across this link to my story, and i wanted to add that yes, i wrote this some time ago, and that day was the beginning my very stressful, hard, exhausting, emotional , yet relaxing struggle! I am barely getting by, but im now in a safe enviorment , with my son , he has clean clothes on his back, food in his stomach , a constant smile on his face, and excitment and happiness in his eyes!! So im able to relax knowing hes safe and happy, and im able to take a shower and walk into thre next room for a few minutes to get some food or switch the laundry, knowing my son isnt being preyed upon. Im still adjusting to those moments tho. I still find myself stopping him from wat hes doing and holding his hand while i go anywhere throughout the day... or even when im going about my routine comfortably, and i have an unconscious flash back, i find myself on guard running to where my son is frantically. .. then having to sit down and clear my mind... because i find myself actually thinking im back at my parents house ... im going to start therapy soon.. because im realizing i dont fully understand what steps i need to take in order to free my mind .. and how to FULLY get to a place in my mind where im able to live a "normal" life... but i AM putting my calm face on for my son.. and i can see and feel the change happening in myself as well as the confidence my son has in me... i will never stop because im in love with the person in becoming and im finally excited for the future. Thank you for taking the time to actually read my story and i loved these 2 comments ive read so far. I really appreciate it !!


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