It Was Me

by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)

Since I was a baby, my mother was never a good one. I lived with my grandmother since the time I was born until I was four because my parents were in rehab. I dont remember much, but my mother always tried to turn me against my dad, saying he forged checks and that she never did drugs herself. She always jumped from boyfriend to boyfriend, and most of them were nice, but she would purposely pick fights with them.

When I was in the shower she would burst in and throw things at me, and when I wasnt she would find something to yell at me for. Every day I was told I was hated. She rarely had food in the house, and when I would go to a friends to steal food for me and my sisters she would make me come outside and chase after me with her car. She would bang my head against walls and yell at me that I was worthless, just like my father.

One day I overslept, and I walked upstairs just to be pushed back down and yelled at that I was hated and that I should hang myself. I had depression since the third grade, with multiple suicide attempts, so you can see how this would affect a fourteen-year-old.

I moved back in with my grandmother, and my father was living with his girlfriend at the time and was trying to find a better life for me and my sisters. I started smoking pot every day and would often be high at school. I dont talk to my mother anymore, and probably never will. I have a job, girlfriend, and a steady relationship with my father. I still struggle with depression and ptsd, and occasionally smoke pot.

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Feb 06, 2015
To Name Undisclosed:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

When we come from abuse, particularly when that abuse included outright rejection in the form of a parent saying out loud, I wish you'd kill yourself the way your mother did, it's not unusual to look for ways to numb all that. But when we numb that pain, we also numb ourselves from all the good stuff too. And that numbness prevents us from being present within our intimate relationships, or at the very least, limits it dramatically.

Your mother had serious troubles and issues of her own, and she took those out on the one person who was the most vulnerable in her life: you. That didn't&emdash;and doesn't—make you less worthy or in any way responsible. It made you the outlet for her fears, anger and discontent. But as long as you continue to numb yourself from the world, you also prevent the world from experiencing your gifts. Healing is a choice, one that must be made at every junction. Yes, the effects of abuse are awful, and they can be lifelong, but they don't have to be. It starts with making a different choice. A choice that acknowledges the deep pain you're in, processes that pain with acceptance so that it can be released, and opens up your heart to understanding and yes, even forgiveness. You already endured the worst of it. Now it's time to bring healing into your life so that the worst of it no longer controls you. It was not you to blame, but it is now up to you to heal. Or not to heal. The choice is yours.

I send you love, light and healing energy. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

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