I Trusted Nobody

by Beth L
(South Africa)

I was also sexually abused from the age of around 3 years old by a trusted member of our family. I had many issues in that I trusted nobody, not even my own brothers. I could also not show love and distanced myself from everyone including my own children.


I got married at aged 20 and that marriage turned out to be both verbally and physically abusive. I blamed myself. The guilt I was carrying was overwhelming, as was the disgust I felt for myself.

At age 41 I finally received some counseling and my life started changing. For the first time I realized I was worth something. Part of my therapy involved writing my feelings down and also writing letters to my abuser and mother whom I resented for not helping. This was such a relief. I could write whatever I wished, how I felt and what I thought of their actions.

At aged 44 I finally divorced after 24 and a half years. This finally led me to write a book called I am me which I published on Free-eBooks.net. I am finally free. Free of the hatred, free of the abuse and free to be me. And for all of this, I owe my thanks to my counselor, a wonderful woman who has been through so much herself.

The one thing I learned is that some people are very, very ill and once we can understand this we can also learn that things happen to make us better people.

Today, at age 53, I look at my experience as a lesson I needed to learn in order to be able to feel compassion for others. I'm not saying I have no more scars, I do. I just see my scars as a reminder to treat people with love, kindness, understanding and respect. I have forgiven my abusers because I understand just how sick they are, but I will never forget.



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Comments for I Trusted Nobody

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Feb 05, 2016
Beth:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

You've come such a long way with your healing. What an inspiration you are, Beth. To have sought help when you had such overwhelming trust issues was a huge step. The step that often prevents survivors from seeking the help they need. But beyond that, you did the work that you needed to do.

You know something, Beth, I remember being told I had to be understanding of what my parents did to me. And at a very young age, I was. I completely understood. But the pain I had buried was hearing none of it. Then I learned that my understanding of their plights could not be at the expense of my own pain, which at the time it was. It wasn't until I allowed my own pain to surface, and to hate them for what they did, and to call them every name that rose to my mind within that pain that the pain was finally released. Only then was I free to be "understanding of their plight". I found it so interesting that I ended up in the same place I started, but much more sincerely and without denying what I'd gone through. Based on what you wrote, that's also what you did through your exercises with that wonderful counsellor. I commend you for that commitment.

The residual for me was in learning that I was enough. That I wasn't worthless or ugly or any of the other names I was called. I had countless internal dialogues with my parents, mostly my mother, standing up for my Self. But it wasn't until I stopped telling my Self all those nasty things and deciding I was the exact opposite of those terrible names that my healing took a decidedly uplifting turn.

If you're the same Beth who left me a lovely comment on another story thread (at Still Comes Back), I thank you. And if you are that Beth, I do hope that you will embrace the deeper levels of healing that can come when you choose to see things differently. Even if you're not the same Beth, there is great value in all the work you've done because it has laid the groundwork necessary for the greatest healing of all going forward: The healing that comes when you love your Self unconditionally.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me. I send you love, light and healing energy.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Feb 22, 2016
Deja vu
by: Beth

Hi Darlene, yes, I am the same Beth that left that comment. Everything you've said in your comment felt like deja vu. The only difference is that I had a wonderful, loving father. But, I did go through the terrible hatred and name calling and everything else you've mentioned. The funny thing is, I never sought help for myself, I sought help for my now ex-husband. My counsellor, the wonderful woman I spoke off, realised that I too had serious problems. It was her that insisted I get removed from my ex and get help. And thank God I did. Without her "seeing" my issues and without her insistence, I would probably still have been stuck in that horrible situation. I also believe that we go through these things in order to help us, to help others. Today, although the memories are still extremely painful, I am thankful that I can truly understand someone else's plight and that I can act when I need to. Thank you, for being a true inspiration to all who stumble on your site.

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