Healing Through Faith

by Mary E
(North Carolina, USA)

Never could I erase the scars of emotional abuse. The haunting memories of child sexual abuse, rape and molestation lingers to bring horrible memories. Nightmares crept into my restless nights. The mother I needed to turn to turned on me leaving me with no self esteem. For twenty years, even after the death of my mother, I hated, literally hated what she was about. To not have a parent stand up or protect an innocent child has got to be the most unforgivable act of a human being, Short of being the molester themselves, neglect is such a hurtful abuse. How could I ever forgive the person in my life that cut me with words, accused me of wanting such things, and wouldn't give me a healing hug for comfort but instead threw her hands around my neck to choke and threaten me for this happening?

Even worse than all the neglect of a mother turning her back on her child, I turned on God.

After the rough waters of childhood, came the storms of marriage. I thought Jesus would calm the waves. Instead, even in my claim of Christianity, I caused treacherous waves. The only self esteem I learned was in my acceptance in what I learned in sexual relationships. If God couldn't help me from the beginning, then I would solve the self esteem issues even if it was the end of me. I turned far away from my husband and God. I hurt those around me without them even knowing. I didn't even care. I wanted it all to end. Suicidal thoughts beat me up. Thinking there was no where else to turn, I was ready to give it all up. No longer being able to face the trial and the jury, pleading guilty, I dropped hard on my knees to give it to God, knowing if I did not change my life, the results would be hell. What I had to do next was one of the hardest decision I had ever made, to forgive.

After great prayer and Christian counseling, I made the biggest step toward healing. I forgave and actually said the words out loud that shouted inside of me. My hands shook. I felt every beat of my heart as I struggled with the words, "I forgive you mom". Giving it to God, He allowed me to see her with a different view. Hurting people hurt people. She had to have been hiding pain that a young daughter could not see until she grew to face her own life's pain. I ached with anger with myself realizing I neglected and abused my marriage. I let my children feel the destruction and depression. It may not have been the same neglect but it was there. For the very first time, I felt sorry. In forgiving my mother, I began a journey, one step closer to the goal I felt God wanted me to reach. Through that forgiveness I became able to forgive myself.

I am thankful for Jesus, who forgives, and in awe of God who lead me to Him. I know that healing could not happen without the simple step to say and accept the words "forgive me" even when just spoken to myself.



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Comments for Healing Through Faith

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May 09, 2014
Mary:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I believe that each of us must finding our own unique path of healing. Our own way to forgive. Thank you for sharing yours with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

May 09, 2014
forgiveness is the only way
by: Anonymous

Thank you. YOu are blessed to have children and a husband to WITNESS your forgiveness. I have confronted my abuser and told him I forgive him too and I attend Alanon and talk about forgieness there. What joy and peace there is in my heart, too. Thank you for being a forgiver...

May 10, 2014
A different view.
by: John G

I am happy you found a way. I published my story on this web site.I grew up in a very abusive family. I was the oldest of 5 boys and my parents treated me differently than my brothers.My father beat me just short of killing me and my mother who was in the next room never acknowledged it ever happened. She never even looked to see if I was still alive and there were times I couldn't even get up off the floor for 20 minutes or so. My mother never ever touched me and my father only touched me when he punched,strapped and kicked me. They never said they liked me forget about loving me. I was made to do all the work that needed to be done while my brothers did none. I was traumatized every day nearly all day living in that family. I hated my parents as much as possible all the time. I never ever had a mother, father son relationship even by accident for one second. After my father died I said good bye to my mother because she was never a mother to or for me in my entire life. I didn't see her for 22 years and never missed her a single bit ever. During the time I was beaten by my father I begged God to help me many times he did nothing for me. My father would go to church and come home and beat me. I promised myself that these two people would never win no matter what. I am 81 years old and have lived with this pain for nearly 75 years now. I don't see my brothers and have not for nearly 65 years now. My wife and children know what family is and we live it every day. The word love is spoken all the time. Its not missing in our family. I have no idea what it feels like to have a loving relationship between my mother/father and myself, but I know what it feels like between my wife, daughter and two sons. For me there is no God and there can never be that was destroyed for me when I was a little child. I begged, pleaded and lived a very traumatic childhood every day all day until I could get out and when I could I did and never went back. I am very happy for you.....................

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