Flashbacks of Sexual Abuse

by Emily
(Missouri, USA)

I'm 15, and I've always have had flashbacks of me being sexually abused. I got sexually abused when I was around 6. It happened in Mexico. I remember him taking me into dark rooms & making me sit on his lap. Then he would start to touch me. I didn't know what was going on but I didn't like it. I felt scared & alone. I never told anyone except my best friend & my boyfriend.

The flashbacks weren't as bad when I was younger. I blocked it out until I was 12, that's when I started to understand what happened. Not only did he take my childhood away but I will never be able to live a normal life because of him.

I don't let a lot of people in my life because of the trust issues I have. I can't sleep at night anymore. I don't know why but it just keeps getting worse as I get older. It's like the older I get the more stuff I remember. I wish I could just block it out like I use to.

There is a lot more to my story. I just need someone to talk to about this. I mean my best friend & boyfriend know but when I talk to them about it I just feel disgusted & worthless. It was all my fault. I could have said something to stop it, but I didn't. I never want my parents to find out, I don't want them to feel like bad parents. Even if I do want to tell them how am I suppose to tell them that their little girl got molested by her own cousin. He is in his early 30's now. When he was younger he fell out of a car & now he has mental problems. How am I suppose to tell people when my whole family feels bad for him. He molested me for two summers but after that I would just stay away from him. I feel like his younger brother knew because they would always try to keep him away from me. I just want this whole thing to go away. It has effected me so much & I'm only 15!

I've been living in fear my whole life, fear that it will happen again, fear that he is watching me. Fear that it will happen to my baby sister. I just need to talk to someone who won't judge me, treat me different or look at me different.

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Comments for Flashbacks of Sexual Abuse

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May 28, 2015
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

What this cousin of yours did was NOT your fault. It will NEVER be your fault. Period. End. Of. Story. HE made the decision to molest you. Think about it for a minute. You were six. SIX! You were young and vulnerable and afraid. I doubt very much that you would blame a 6-year-old child for the sexual abuse she suffered, so why would you blame yourself. The next time you see a 6-year-old, take a good look. Notice how small that child is. Notice how innocent that child is. Notice how vulnerable that child is. There is a reason that 6-year-olds don't look after themselves. I know you know that on a logical level, but you're trapped on an emotional level. An emotional level that is applying adult more mature values to what happened and what you perceive to be your part in it all. You gave a multitude of reasons for not telling, all of them legit. And one that you didn't mention is the #1 reason sexual abuse victims don't tell: they are afraid they won't be believed. It wouldn't surprise me that that entered your mind as well.

So you must stop blaming yourself. You must stop carrying all the terrible shame. Shame and blame that aren't yours to carry. The shame and blame falls squarely on the shoulders of the abuser.

There are people you can talk to. Consider contacting Child Help at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) in order to talk to someone about the effects of what happened to you. They are staffed 24/7 with professionally trained counsellors who will listen to you. They are not a reporting agency, although they can help you through the process of reporting if you decide to disclose. Visit their website by copying & pasting the following URL into your browser: https://www.childhelp.org/hotline/

You've been very brave sharing your story here...and that's an excellent first step. Take the next step, Emily. Contact the number and/or site of Childhelp. It's one of the most loving things you can do for yourself. And right now, you need that kind of loving attention.

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me. I send you love, light and healing energy.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

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