Felt Rejected and Isolated

by Mark
(Louisiana, USA)

My abuse does pale in comparison to others but writing it anyway. Mine is sexual, verbal, emotional, and physical.


At around 2 years of age we lived in a rental house on short street with two other houses. There four children playing together. Two girls and two boys ages 2 - 4 years old. I was probably youngest. We were playing and went across the gravel street into a garage with a big truck with flat bed and wood railings. I had my play sword with me and said to others we should play pirates with the truck being the ship. I was a climber and easily hoisted myself onto the flatbed of truck as the other three were on floor below. Next thing I remember is an older man appearing at double door to garage yelling at us for playing in the garage and on his truck. The other children ran away but I was trapped in bed of truck. I remember being in full panic of flight and decided to climb the railings of the truck to escape. As I climbed the railings the man approached me as I was at top. I remember throwing my sword to the ground so I could recover it after I jumped. As I jumped and hit the ground I was knocked out cold. Then I remember coming too in a crawling type position with my body parallel to truck. I looked behind me for my sword and man was between me and sword on dirt floor. Still being in panic mode I got up to run away but fell right back down due to my shorts and underwear being at my feet. I got back up and pulled my underwear up and ran home leaving behind my play sword. I do not know what happened as I got knocked out but remember thinking I was a bad boy while running. Home.

I also remember starting to masturbate after this time. I was also sexually involved with older man next door and remember masturbating him and getting paid a quarter to do it many times. And several older boys anally penetrating me around 4-6 yo.

I had learning disability probably dyslexia which prevented me from being able to express the abuse. Also because of my disability my dad would also belittle and humiliate me in front of others.
Probably singular event which I took to mean I was unloved and worthless happened when I was 6-7 yo and in cub scouts.

There was an event for soap box derby racing which required 40 dollar entry and kit for building car. I wanted to do this really a lot and thought it would be fun to build it with my dad. However when I asked my dad to help and buy car he said no. I was pretty dejected, but accepted his answer. Then the day of race came and I was told I had to go with dad to race while brother and sisters went shopping with my mom. I pleaded with them to go with my mom and siblings. As we were left off at place for race I then found out my dad was to be a judge at race. He told me to go and play down the street. I was brokenhearted.

I remember so much from that day. The bales of hay the judging tent. But mostly feeling of rejection and isolation plus a wave of guilt for being excluded. I remember watching the other boys as they raced and seeing how their dad's celebrated the victories and defeats. I remember wondering what I had done to deserve being excluded. I remember walking around the block several times trying to get rid of hurt feeling I was experiencing. I even tried to walk home but as I got about six blocks away I knew I would get in trouble for leaving the area, so I headed back.

My dad got a little trophy of event as a judge and every day I was reminded of the event as it was displayed on a bookshelf. So I relived the broken heart each day as I grew up. I knew from that day my dad never really cared about me and he would leave no inheritance to me. This proved to be true as he deserted my mom in later years and left her with nothing. And left no inheritance to his children. Besides this we moved to another town and the as smallest in my class I got beat up and picked on all the time.

There are a lot more things that I could go on about but I think you get the gist of my story. Absent dad condescending and never was going to amount to anything. Small and insignificant ignored and no help with learning disability.



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Comments for Felt Rejected and Isolated

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Jun 23, 2015
Mark:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Try not to compare your situation with that of others. When we're in pain, we're in pain. And though it can be helpful to understand that others do have it worse, it can't be at the expense of denying our own feelings and emotions. Recognizing that others have it worse, or had it worse, can be a good tool to use to get us out of wallowing, but again, not to deny our own pain.

Your father wasn't there for you the way you needed him to be. Your disability may or may not have had something to do with that. But that would be his excuse, not an explanation. No matter what, you deserved to have both your parents there for you, helping you to grow and mature, encouraging all that you were good at and enjoyed doing.

We know that children who grow up in abusive homes are at greater risk for childhood sexual abuse for a multitude of reasons. What happened to you that day with that male pervert clearly has had a great affect on you. Disability or not. And the fact that you grew up the way you did made telling that much more difficult. So whatever you do, don't blame yourself. Don't blame your disability. Blame goes directly to those who made the choice to abuse you.

Know that you are NOT small or insignificant, no matter how you were treated. Your absent father was condescending, but that doesn't mean you have to accept the messages he sent you. You have a choice to make now: to continue to believe what he told you directly and indirectly as a result of his treatment of you, OR to tell yourself all the wonderful things you really and truly are. Don't believe the lies about yourself, Mark. You deserved to be treated with dignity and respect and love. It's now time to start treating your SELF in that way. Every time you hear in your mind all the negative messages about yourself, tell yourself the exact opposite. And keep telling yourself those positive things, because that would be relaying the truth. You ARE worthy, Mark. You ARE valuable. The world needs people like you. Don't ever believe otherwise.

I send you love, light and healing energy. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

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