Father Still Abusive

by Kayla
(Detroit, Michigan)

I am typing this in hopes to maybe make me feel more better. I am emotionally and was physically abused by my father. When I was young, my mother and father would yell at each other but the abuse didn't happen until after I was 9. During my 8th year I was placed in Foster Care (for many reasons) and separated from my brother and twin. During this time my mom and dad had got a divorce and my mother had died from alcohol abuse.

After 2 foster homes (one was terrible) we moved in with my dad. Child protected services visited to make sure we were fine and at the time we were. My dad worked afternoons and me, my twin (age 9), and my brother (age 11) were home alone a lot. I actually enjoyed this because when he wasn't home, we were not getting beaten. My dad had started to yell at us and hit us for the most childish of things, for example, eating food that was apparently his like chips. He had even left bruises on me and I cried all the time. I was scared of him. I would even write notes to him because I was so scared to talk to him and anytime I tried to defend myself he would slap me for "talking back." He would also force us to eat moldy food.

Our neighbors had called the cops several times on my dad and CPS (child protected services) had came several times. And when the Social Worker talked to us children individually about our dad asking "Does he ever hit you?" I wanted to say yes but before I could my dad came storming in from the other room saying "Don't you answer that!" and told us to go outside. He had told us later that if we had ever told anyone about him hitting us and if we were ever taken into Foster Care again, that he would not get us back. And at that time, I did not want to go back to Foster Care. Every time he yelled at us or hit us, he would apologize and say he was sorry but he always did it again. This continued until my sister and I "became a woman" at age 14 and then he would only yell, never hit (occasionally hit my brother).

Anything I say is wrong and he has never been supportive of me and now at age 20 I feel trapped. Every time I try standing up for myself or telling him how I feel, I choke up and can't say anything. And when my sister (my twin) had tried talking to my dad about the abuse he denied the whole thing and said he had never touched us and if he had and not remembered, he said he was sorry but I can't help but not believe it because he had said sorry all the other times as well. And when I did manage to try to talk about my anxiety to him, he laughed at me and said I was overreacting. And when he yells, I can't help but just cry or crouch thinking he is going to hit me. There was a period in time where I wouldn't even cry at all.

I think about moving out all the time so I can get away and just be free but will that help? I want to be myself and I can't be because my dad does not approve. I have been too scared to go see a doctor for depression because if my dad were to find out I am scared he would yell at me and tell me I am overreacting and blame this on me. I still have dreams of him hitting us and I can't stop thinking about it. I try to say to myself "it was the past" but it keeps coming up. There is plenty more things but here is the gist of it. Thanks for reading <3.

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Comments for Father Still Abusive

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Jan 29, 2016
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Your instincts are right on. You do need to get away from your abusive father so that you can heal from the mistreatment. Don't expect your father to change. Chances are, he won't. And it's not at all unusual or uncommon for abusers to deny the abuse they inflicted. Their denial is calculated, and has the effect of the one victimized questioning their sanity. But you KNOW what he did to all of you. You KNOW he beat you all. And you KNOW he played on your sympathies and vulnerabilities and your youth. Apologizing to you after the abuse was part of the game he played, a game that left you even more emotionally distraught. The apologies acted as permission for him to keep doing what he was doing. It was all part of the cycle of violence he took each of you on, over and over again. You have little hope of healing while under his considerable influence. An influence instilled in you with the abuse he inflicted over all these years. Even though he's your father, you are experiencing similar traits to that of an abusive partner. You must get out.

Use the resources available to you within the community, both where you live and online. Try contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They have advocates available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week who can provide crisis intervention, escape planning, information and referrals to victims or anyone calling on their behalf. Visit their website by copying & pasting the following URL into your browser: http://www.ndvh.org/

You deserve to be treated with dignity and respect, Kayla. You can start that by treating your Self with love, dignity and respect. Call the number or contact them online.

I send you love, light and healing energy, Kayla. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Jan 31, 2016
My Father still abusing.....
by: Carol

Hi Kayla, I'm sorry you are in this situation but I can relate being afraid of my dad as he hit me and my siblings too, among other things. Those are hard times.

Sometimes when relationships can't be resolved while living together it is better to move. This is just a suggestion but here is what happened for me. By the time I was 16 I felt I needed to move out as soon as I finished school. I didn't feel I could deal with the oppression any longer. So at 17, without telling my dad, I found a small apartment and a part time job. I moved out when he was at work. He never talked to me about my moving out but I learned later that he had been quite angry. In his religion (or control system) he expected my sister and I to stay home till we married. I didn't know that and I'm glad I didn't know or I would have felt very guilty for going against his beliefs. After moving out I didn't go home for 3 months - I just couldn't stand being there and it made me feel sick. Over the next few years I tried to approach my dad to tell him how I felt about how he treated me, my siblings and animals. He said he could hurt who ever he wanted in his own house. His responses were "I hurt you because I love you." "Animals should cower, they should be afraid." "I hurt you to make you stronger." The more I stayed away from him the more I realized how much he had brainwashed us and really didn't know how to love us. My mom never let on that she disagreed with dad, only that it was her duty to support him regardless. I ended up in a mental health hospital several times as a result of my parents actions. It has taken many years to work through the aftermath of the abuse. I have no regrets for leaving when I did or becoming estranged from my parents. I didn't wish them harm and they've passed on without reconciliation. I believe they understand perfectly now as I do believe in the afterlife. I was able to remove my children from that situation and they saw how things were and learned to stand up to them, see through their actions later as adults.

I guess I would like you to know that you have options. You don't need to stay in an abusive relationship. If you learn how to deal with this relationship with your dad and understand that you deserve better and can expect to be respected, then you will less likely go into abusive relationships with men.

There are crisis lines you can call anonymously, see a therapist - check out your options. If need be move to another community where its easier to feel separate from him. I hope you post how things are going for you. Take care.

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