Comments for Child Abuse Story From J

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Mar 15, 2011
 J:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

You assume correctly...you most definitely are not alone! There are countless stories on this site with similar familial outcomes. All too often, families are more interested in not rocking the boat, so they choose to do nothing or turn a blind eye instead of supporting the very person who needs the most support: the victim. And they send a terrible and betraying message: I'm not good enough to be believed or supported. In such families, it's so much easier to report a stranger...there are no ties to that person, therefore no concerns about their "place" in the family. They'd much rather not deal with the fallout when a family member or close-to-family member is outed for offending. There is no changing such family members. There is no way to get them to admit their role in it all or to admit what they did was wrong and betraying.

What's important now, J, is that you deal with the feelings you're feeling. I learned a very long time ago that sometimes we must draw a line in the sand to stand up for ourselves, and to make that line one of distance. I learned that distance and separation is what's often necessary for healing to begin. I strongly suggest some form of counseling in order to process your emotions right now. And if that means distancing yourself from your parents in order for that to happen, then so be it.

Keep something else in mind...if this abuse happened in Canada, there is no statute of limitations for reporting child abuse. You could go to the authorities and report what this "friend" did. Even though not much would likely be done to bring him to justice, the fact that the report is on record could mean that other victims will be found. If that's the case, this man could be exposed for what he really is. Something to consider. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Mar 15, 2011
 Thanks for the comment
by: J

Hi Darlene,

Thank you for your comments. Since writing I have, in fact, decided to cut ties with my parents. And I've let my brother in on why that is. I'm feeling pretty okay with everything; there had to be a time to draw that line in the sand, for my own good. I think that you're absolutely right, that it is very unlikely that my parents will admit to doing anything wrong. And if that's what they believe, then I'm okay with not having them in my life.

The "friend" has since passed away (I am in Canada, so that was a good suggestion, if he was still alive, I do think I would have reported it now). I doubt that I was his only victim. I have a cousin the same age as me who used to spend a few weeks on her own with them every summer. We haven't been in contact for many years, but I've thought of contacting her and maybe putting it out there, just so that if it happened to her that she knows she's not alone.

Thanks for having the website. It feels good to express this and know that we're not alone.
Cheers.
Mar 18, 2011
 Good for you
by: Tim L.

J, thanks for sharing about the cold blindness of your parents. It is true what you say, many times families will display very correct attitudes towards sexual predators outside the family, then turn a blind eye to what is going on under their own roof. I experienced similar ignorance from my parents who had no interest in recognizing the fact that I was being abused terribly by an older sibling. It was expected that everything would continue as always, and I was the problem if I didn't want to play 'family.' They absolutely should not have made you ever see your grandmothers friend again; and they should have done something about it.

I also cut off my parents several years ago, and it was the best thing I could do for myself. I think it is a really mature, emotionally intelligent decision to make.
Apr 02, 2011
 Thanks Tim
by: J

Hi Tim,

Thanks for sharing your experience. I'm glad to hear that you're good with your decision to cut-off your parents. It's the same as what you said; that we're the problem if we don't want to play "family" and condone all of their actions (or, inactions, as the case may be). It hasn't been that long since I've cut them off, but I've had no second thoughts abouts it.

Take care,
J.
Jun 30, 2011
 An update
by: J

So it's been nearly 4 months now since I cut-off contact from my parents and told my brother the whole story of why. He's been very supportive, and today I had lunch with a cousin who I don't see very often, but we were pretty close growing up...and he asked how my parents were doing. I expected that it might happen, and so I told him that I no longer speak to them, and why. It was pretty great actually. He responded in a very supportive way. There are some great things about being in my mid-30's, that other people's crap isn't acceptable in my life anymore. And my cousin (who just turned 40) is at a similar stage in life too.

I continue to believe that I made the right decision for me.

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stories on this site are true. While I cannot guarantee
this, I do try to balance the need for the submitter to be
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