Child Abuse Story from
Pidel

Pidel is from Sachsen-Anhalt, Germany

The following child abuse story from Pidel depicts the likelihood of sexual abuse.

The child abuse effects on Pidel were a panic disorder, eating disorder, panic attacks, learning problems, and suidical thoughts.

I am 40 years old, and started therapy 3 months ago. I really don't know where to begin.

For the past ten years, I have had a panic disorder. That's why I finally started therapy. I also have an eating disorder (I weigh 260 pounds) that started when I was about 13.

I grew up in the U.S. (where I lived from 1970 until 1984) with my mother, my step-father and by brother (born 1972). It was a very frightening time, my step-father being an alcoholic, with a lot of domestic violence going on.

At the age of 17, I tried to commit suicide. At the age of 19, I left home and have never returned since then. I became a hard-ass in my teens, trying to survive without emotions. My problem is that I can't remember so many things. I don't know if I was actually sexually abused or not. I have a fantasy in which I am sexually abused by my step-father, but to me it is a mere fantasy. My therapist told me that children do not create such fantasies and that something must have happened. She also said that I have so many symptoms of abuse (eating disorder, psychosomatic complaints, headaches, running away, suicide attempt, learning problems--all starting during puberty--and then years later, anxiety and panic attacks). I just can't remember anything. I [do] remember my step-father hitting my mother and my brother, but never him hitting me. Which is also not logical. All I have is this fantasy, which I have not been able to talk about in detail in therapy yet.

I am really scared. I never thought of such an outcome when I started therapy. What if I can't remember anything--how will I ever know what has really happened? I want the truth for myself. I have to know why I am the way I am and where all of the symptoms came from that I have had for over 25 years.

Thanks for listening.

Pidel