Child Abuse Story From
Lisa

Lisa is from Orillia, Ontario, Canada

The following child abuse story from Lisa depicts emotional abuse and sexual abuse.

The child abuse effects on Lisa: social phobia, childhood obesity, extremely low self-esteem, nightmares, persistent crying.

It never really seemed like abuse, but I grew up feeling unwanted, unloved . . . and . . . I still have difficulties setting goals for myself or appreciating what I can do. I suffer from unipolar and social phobia.

My dad is bipolar, and my mom likely is undiagnosed. My brother was born first, and 3 1/2 years later, they had me. They decided (I found this out recently) that mental illness runs in the male side of the family, so they ignored my brother completely for a number of years and focused on me. Then I was ignored too as I began to show signs of mental illness.

I cannot prove it, but I also believe my dad (who was verbally abusive to my mother, and whom lies and manipulates) sexually molested me when I was little. He would threaten my mom because she wouldn't give us to him, (and he wanted me, not my brother). When I got older, and gained weight (I became a very obese child), he ignored me nearly completely, and paid a small amount of attention to my brother.

Usual phone calls would be him asking me about child support or relaying things to my mother, or my dad asking about my brother.

Meanwhile, being obese, large groups of people would gather around me at school and put me down at fairly normal intervals. Tell me I was fat, worth nothing, etc. Girls would yell at me or put me down if I even glanced at them, and would tell me it was staring. I was afraid to even look at people. I would tell my mom, and I'd be told to ignore them. So I stopped talking to her . . . it didn't do me any good. I'd tell a teacher; they'd yell at me and tell me to stop crying all the time.

I had nightmares three times a night, and I cried on the school bus after school every day. I didn't take care of myself, and I likely stank to high hell. No one would pay attention to me . . . so I would try as much as I could to get positive attention since I got none at home.

My mother would get annoyed at my bedroom being a mess, and she'd dump everything on the floor, and then yell at me to pick it up; meanwhile, yelling put downs at me. She'd belittle me about everything I did wrong, and never praise or tell me she loved me.

Now, at 24, I am a very compassionate person . . . because I've been hurt so bad I'd never do it to another. But I have panic attacks around guys, even nice ones. I sometimes burst into tears when my friends are nice to me . . . I've never HAD that.

My mom's manipulating me because she doesn't want me to escape her. I wonder if I'll ever get better or if it's worth living at all.

Lisa