All Came Back

by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)

I am a male 39. As a male I tend to look at porn occasionally. I found out Tumblr has tons of blogged and or reblogged porn new, old, made just for blogs etc. It was pretty interesting going through people's blogs and their likes. A lot wasn't even porn.

A month ago I came across me. What I mean is a picture of me at around 9 or 10 in my underwear leaning on a white and pink dresser with a weird smile on my face. I knew where I was in that picture and the stitches in my chin told me the age because I still bear the scar from that bicycle accident. I was at a neighbor's house in his young daughter's room on my old street where I grew up. It sickened me to the core. Chills went up my spine.

Over the next few days I kept playing over any memories of the neighbor, his house. I always kinda remembered experimentation with a girl. And that fit in to it. I remember the camera now. And all of the clicks it made while pointed at me and his daughter. She had to be a lot younger than me because I know she didn't ride the bus or go to school yet.

I want to puke as I write this. As memories of being guided on what to do as the camera clicked.
I also feel sick when I think I went there over and over. I went there for it. I wanted it. I wanted to play with the man's daughter. So much isn't clear yet.

I do know I got into some trouble for playing with a girl my own age around that same time and her crying and running home. Her parents and my parents arguing and me being in trouble. I am pretty sure now I know why.

I don't know where to go from here. I am racked with guilt.

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Comments for All Came Back

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Feb 24, 2016
To Name Undisclosed:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Clearly, you were sexualized at a very young age, an age where you were vulnerable and easily manipulated. You and the little girl were both being abused by the sick and twisted father who was conducting those scenes that had you doing sexual things to this very young girl. What you didn't mention was the emotional state of the girl while you were being manipulated into sex. Perhaps you don't remember at this point. But this may speak to something underlying, something that might require more in the way of therapy: a lack of empathy or the ability to feel sympathy for the little girl, especially if she was upset during these disturbing encounters. Though you do seem to be feeling that now, which is a very good thing. Perhaps from other experiences in your life.

As for enjoying sex, fact is, sex feels good, so it's not at all unusual for the abused to be stimulated and want more. Then you went on to do things to another girl your age around that same time. Again, that's not at all unusual when a young child has been overtly sexualized. It takes the adults in the child's world to teach a sexualized child that what they are doing is wrong. But it's also up to those same adults to question why and how their child got sexualized in the first place. Add to the mix, the fact that you got into "trouble" when your parents found out about this other same-age-girl, depending on the kind of discipline they imposed, they could have effectively ensured you would never talk about what was going on with the little girl's sick excuse of a father, because without a proper frame of reference, you would have blamed yourself for what was going on with that little girl. You would have been too afraid of being punished further to tell. It's all so very convoluted.

I'm actually very encouraged by your feelings of guilt and your nausea reaction. It speaks to your level of understanding just how wrong it was. Does that make you responsible for what happened with that little girl and the other you got into trouble over? Absolutely not. That camera-yielding father was the one responsible. He set it up, then knowingly manipulatively played on your arousal to keep it going and keep it all secret.

You're not sure where to go now. You could investigate further on the site with your picture. Even report to the authorities that this was you and provide details of what went on during that time. Of course, that may also expose your porn-watching tendencies. But it may also eventually lead to who the sick father was (and have him charged) and perhaps even the now-adult little girl who might need the help of someone else involved in order to bring her some healing. This is all speculation, but you have to decide whether or not you're prepared to put everything on the table, and possibly help someone else in the process.

I think you need to sort your emotional response out with a professional. Someone who specializes in abuse cases. Someone who can help you, not just with the guilt, but also help you understand what really happened in those years. Someone who can help elaborate more on what I've brought up here in this comment.

Remember just how old you were. Understand how vulnerable you were at that age. Hell, EVERY 9- 10-year-old is vulnerable. So give that child a break. You were also abused, so don't forget that.

I send you love, light and healing energy. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

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