A Broken Heart
Where do I start? It all started at- well, I don't even really remember the age exactly, I just know it was before the age of just 5 years old. Can you believe that? I was raised as an only child with HIM and I never knew or had any contact with any of my other family apart from HIM, as HE cut me off from my whole family -and by "HIM" or "HE" I mean the person who a little girl is supposed to call Dad.
My mom lived in a different country and my sister lived with her- that part is complicated along with my whole life but let's just leave that bit out.
For some reason I find it so difficult to explain, it's like I know what happened but I don't know how to get the words out- so I hope you can all follow along easy enough.
How do I remember my childhood? The most painful, disgusting, heartbreaking experience I have ever dealt with. It messed me up, to the point where I hate myself, where I hate what I see in the mirror, where I can't breathe sometimes because my anxiety gets that bad, where I get scared or jump from the quietest of noises...the list is endless.
My aim in writing this, is that I hope I can maybe help others speak up about their sexual abuse or incestual relationships as a child.
HE always used to make sexual comments to me all the time, through my whole childhood but I never really knew it was wrong, it was just how HE was. HE was physically abusive- I remember HIM beating me when I couldn't do my homework or when I did/said something 'wrong', grab me by my clothes and throw me on the floor. HE would hit me repeatedly, spit at me, kick me, grab my hair and throw things at me, and when we were out and HE couldn't hit me in front of people HE would nip me really hard or squeeze my hand- I used to have to hold HIS hand everywhere, even until I was in middle school. There was one teacher in my physical education class who asked about the bruises on my legs, but other than that, my teachers at school never suspected anything, shockingly.
HE was also a (very) mentally abusive man, calling me all the names under the sun and just saying vile things on a daily basis to make me feel worthless, but the weirdest thing is that he was nice to me also.
The first time I can remember of the sexual abuse was when HE asked me to watch a movie with HIM. When HE switched it on, it was a porn movie but obviously at the time I was too young to understand what it was about, but I remember thinking that something wasn't right. When we were watching the movie HE asked me- and I will never forget this as it was the most disturbing thing I had ever been asked. HE
asked me how many men I would like to have inside me and whether I would like 1 or 2. Not long after that, HE would walk around with a top but no pants or anything on and would ask me if I wanted to touch HIM there.
Another time HE asked me to lie down with HIM on the couch and touched me. The most disgusting time I remember was when HE asked me to get undressed and touch myself while HE sat undressed and pleasured himself.
There were other times where HE would ask me to dance naked for HIM. There were so many things HE did to me. A lot of things I don't remember and some things are too hurtful to write down- including touching my friends.
The result of having such a messed up childhood made me run away quite a few times. My story could go on and on but to cut it short, I ended up being taken away from HIM and was out into foster care as he was found out to have touched me and my friends and physically abused me. HE was also found to be grooming girls online and found to have thousands of sexually indecent images of children and pictures HE had made and posted online.
After being in the care system for a year- I was 14 at this point- I had moved country to live with my mom, HE was jailed and put on the sex offenders register for life.
I had so much low self esteem as a teenager and as a result, was easily led into peer pressure- resulting in taking drugs to make me feel happier or being easily misled by men. I was put into a mental health center for teenagers who were drug addicts or depressed. For a month, when I was 16, where they tried to help me but that just made me worse and I started cutting myself because I saw another girl do it and realized that I would relieve my sadness and hatred toward myself. A few months after that I was sexually assaulted by a group of guys from the school I was attending, at a party and that's when my life went downhill even more...
I am nearly 21 now and still trying to recover from what has happened. I think it hurts even more because it was my 'father' who did what HE did to me. The person who is supposed to give you away at your wedding, the one who is supposed to protect you. The fact that HE did everything you're not supposed to do to a child just breaks my heart. And the fact that I was too scared to run away from these guys at the party, so I just let it happen. I was weak and vulnerable. Hell, I still am but I truly am trying to fix myself and move on.
Thank you for listening to my story, it feels good to write it down somewhere, so thank you for being my outlet.