Why only me for child abuse?

Why only me for child abuse?

by Ros Taprell
(Kempsey, New South Wales, Australia)

Just me trying to survive

Hello Darlene:
I am one of two sets of twins. From the time I was a baby right up until I was 16, I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother. Then I was put into a girl's home, where I was sexually abuse once.

My question is, why? I'm the littlest out of the twins. Now at 43, I suffer many disabilities. I'm deaf through my mother's abuse around the head. I have a very bad back and I have a hip replacement as a result of too much bashing. I'm trying to work through my pain and loneliness. I feel so empty all the time. I feel like I'm falling apart. I have three children that I have not abused. I refuse to live in abuse, but I have lost my oldest daughter, as she has chosen the abusive life of living with a man that emotionally abuses her. I couldn't take it, so she has asked me to stay out of her life. I do speak to one part of my family.

I don't hold relationships well. I have nightmares almost every night. I'm lucky to sleep 4 hours a night. I do see a psychologist, but I feel I'm getting nowhere with her. I have written my story as best as I can, and got it down on a disc, as this is what I was told to do: write and let the feelings out. I'm in a great deal of pain with what my mother has done to me, especially now that I'm unable to hear for the rest of my life because of her. Sometimes the pain I live in 24/7 gets too much for me.

Please, do you have another why for me to look for peace, joy and happiness? I know I need to face it, and not run from the abuse, but I am so scared.

Thank you for giving a site for women like me to let a little out of our life.

Ros

Note from Darlene: My answer can be found below.

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Why only me for child abuse?

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Jan 06, 2008

Why only me?
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I'm asked the question "why only me" all the time, Ros. There is a name for it: "targeting." I did address this "targeting" question in my October issue of Barriere Bits E-zine. If you haven't already signed up as a subscriber, I urge you to do so (it's free) at my subscription page. Once you sign up, you'll have access to my back issues. When you are on my Back Issues page, just click onto the October 16, 2007 -- Barriere Bits, Issue #005 -- Why parents target a specific child for abuse to read the article.

There are stories on my site that reflect the "targeting" phenomena that you might find interesting. At the very least, you won't feel so all alone. Two that come to mind are M Cathy's story of healing and Sara's commentary on targeting a specific child for abuse.

As for finding another way toward happiness, the only way I know is to deal directly with the emotional residue that the abuse has left you with. I know it's scary to have to re-live the abuse you suffered, especially when you are constantly reminded of that abuse with your physical pain and challenges, but circumventing those emotions rather than dealing with them will only lead to more emotional pain. Once those emotions are dealt with, you can learn to put your memories in their proper place when they crop up, because memories are just that, Ros, memories; they can no longer harm you. You said you don't feel you're getting anywhere with your psychologist; perhaps it's time to change your therapist for someone who can better help you. I sincerely wish you all the best.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

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Jan 06, 2008
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Submitted by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

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I'm asked the question "why only me" all the time, Ros. There is a name for it: "targeting." I did address this "targeting" question in my October issue of Barriere Bits E-zine. If you haven't already signed up as a subscriber, I urge you to do so (it's free) at my <a href="http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/BarriereBits.html" target="_blank">subscription page</a>. Once you sign up, you'll have access to my back issues. When you are on my Back Issues page, just click onto the October 16, 2007 -- Barriere Bits, Issue #005 -- Why parents target a specific child for abuse to read the article. There are stories on my site that reflect the "targeting" phenomena that you might find interesting. At the very least, you won't feel so all alone. Two that come to mind are <a href="http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/MCathyHRStory" target="_blank">M Cathy's story of healing</a> and <a href="http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/targeting-a-specific-child-for-abuse.html" target="_blank">Sara's commentary on targeting a specific child for abuse</a>. As for finding another way toward happiness, the only way I know is to deal directly with the emotional residue that the abuse has left you with. I know it's scary to have to re-live the abuse you suffered, especially when you are constantly reminded of that abuse with your physical pain and challenges, but circumventing those emotions rather than dealing with them will only lead to more emotional pain. Once those emotions are dealt with, you can learn to put your memories in their proper place when they crop up, because memories are just that, Ros, memories; they can no longer harm you. You said you don't feel you're getting anywhere with your psychologist; perhaps it's time to change your therapist for someone who can better help you. I sincerely wish you all the best. Darlene Barriere Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator Author: <a href="http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/my-story-of-abuse.html">On My Own Terms, A Memoir</a>

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Jan 06, 2008

hello
by: Anonymous

hello darlene im thankfull for your reply but unable to find the site you have given me to help me ,im unable to find it to help me thank you ros

Jan 06, 2008

You must first become an e-zine subscriber...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

***Edited by Darlene Barriere - Webmaster***

Details of how to become an e-zine subscriber and thus access the back issues of Barriere Bits can now be found at the following URL on this site:

How do I access back issues?

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Jan 07, 2008

TRY JESUS
by: Anonymous

GOD BLESS,

You should try JESUS. When everything else fails. He will never ever let you down. He's the only one that will love you unconditionally. He's the only one that would ease your mind and help you deal with all the pain and suffering. I know how you feel but you MUST learn how to forgive. If you don't you will destroy yourself. I know it's hard to forgive and but God forgives us of all the wrong things we constantly do and still loves us. Why can't we love each other no matter what. He will give you the peace that you need, The Bible says, cast all your cares on the lord and he will take care of them. Whatever happened in the past, let it stay in the past. This is a new year. Celebrate just because he woke you up this morning and still have breathe in your body to take care of your children. Celebrate just because he put food on your table, clothes on your back and a roof over your head. He didn't have to do it but he did. There are some who didn't wake up to see a new year. So you are blessed.

You first need to forgive yourself and love yourself. You probably feel in some way that it was your fault, honey it's was not your fault. Then you have to forgive all the people who did you wrong. If you don't God will not forgive you. I know that it is a hard thing to do but if you continue to hold onto this, it your health will get worse. It will affect your children and I know you don't want them to suffer. If you love them you would do it for them and yourself. So you can enjoy life more better.

Holding onto things will cause you to get high blood pressure, ulcers, diabetic, depression, lots of other things. If you love yourself I advise you to get on your knees right now and ask God to come into your heart and ask him for forgiveness because not forgiving people is not of God. Then accept him as your personal saviour and then he will give you that peace you deserve.

I will pray that God will touch your mind, body and soul and give you the confort that you need just to go on day by day.

Love ya

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Jan 07, 2008
Rating

Submitted by: Anonymous

Title

Comment
GOD BLESS, You should try JESUS. When everything else fails. He will never ever let you down. He's the only one that will love you unconditionally. He's the only one that would ease your mind and help you deal with all the pain and suffering. I know how you feel but you MUST learn how to forgive. If you don't you will destroy yourself. I know it's hard to forgive and but God forgives us of all the wrong things we constantly do and still loves us. Why can't we love each other no matter what. He will give you the peace that you need, The Bible says, cast all your cares on the lord and he will take care of them. Whatever happened in the past, let it stay in the past. This is a new year. Celebrate just because he woke you up this morning and still have breathe in your body to take care of your children. Celebrate just because he put food on your table, clothes on your back and a roof over your head. He didn't have to do it but he did. There are some who didn't wake up to see a new year. So you are blessed. You first need to forgive yourself and love yourself. You probably feel in some way that it was your fault, honey it's was not your fault. Then you have to forgive all the people who did you wrong. If you don't God will not forgive you. I know that it is a hard thing to do but if you continue to hold onto this, it your health will get worse. It will affect your children and I know you don't want them to suffer. If you love them you would do it for them and yourself. So you can enjoy life more better. Holding onto things will cause you to get high blood pressure, ulcers, diabetic, depression, lots of other things. If you love yourself I advise you to get on your knees right now and ask God to come into your heart and ask him for forgiveness because not forgiving people is not of God. Then accept him as your personal saviour and then he will give you that peace you deserve. I will pray that God will touch your mind, body and soul and give you the confort that you need just to go on day by day. Love ya

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Jan 07, 2008

Comment titled "Dont" by Anonymous moved...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

***Comment moved by Darlene Barriere - Webmaster, to the following commentary page: Interested in subject of child abuse***

Jan 07, 2008

don't give up
by: Anne Anonymous

Hi Ros,

I have learned Ros, that what doesn't kill me only makes me stronger! This strength allows me to help others by sharing the experience. I have had 33 anaesthetics in my life, physical and emotional abuse.

There is a syaing I believe by St. Thomas Aquinas which I will try to paraphrase.

If you go within and take from within, what you take can help you but if you do not take from within what can help you then what you do not take can harm you. Turn to GOD whatever you believe GOD to be.

Anne

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Why only me for child abuse?

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Why only me for child abuse?