What can I do about possible emotional abuse of my adoptive nephew?

[?] Subscribe To This Site

What can I do about possible emotional abuse of my adoptive nephew?

by Pamela
(Littleton, Colorado, USA)

My brother and his wife are in the middle of adopting a 6-year-old boy named Brian. I need to explain some of the behaviour that my brother and his wife show towards Brian, which I believe to be emotional abuse.

First of all, my parents, and my sister and I are not allowed to spend any time with him without my sister-in-law lurking around. She likes to answer his questions for him, like when he asked for a piece of chocolate, she told him he didn't like chocolate. When he asked for an apple, she said you don't like apples, so he couldn't have one.

My sister-in-law has taken Brian to the movies, and she will buy popcorn, and candy, then hold up both and ask him to make a choice between the two. We missed the movie because she became frustrated and we had to leave because he was crying.

She banters him in public with things he can't have, because he made poor choices during the week. She will tell him "Until you make better choices, you won't have the good stuff or the fun." Brian pouts constantly, and she seems to enjoy it.

My brother and his wife are in their mid 40's. My brother expressed that the adoption wasn't his choice, but that his wife insists on it. She won't allow anyone to question her parenting skills, or say a word to her about how cruel she is being. My brother also says that she feels "everyone is out to get her" and so she withdraws from all her friendships and family and holds grudges against anyone that implies she might be doing something wrong. She refers to Brian as "not a normal child" and no-one knows but her how to take care of him.

The other day, my brother and Brian came over to my mom's house for a visit. Brian told Grandma that he "LOST" his GameBoy and was sad by it. My mom asked him where he had it last. He said, "In Sandy's (sis-in-law) car." So, my mom told him she would help him find it. My brother whispered to my mom that he was holding it for him. They are actually giving that poor child guilt of losing something when he just left it in the car. What kind of lesson is that? This is a sample of the kind of badgering, and odd discipline that my brother and mostly his wife is inflicting on Brian.

My concern is, if they are openly disciplining him with cruelty in public and in front of family members, what is really going on in that house?

Please help, I worry so much about him.
Concerned aunt

Note from Darlene: My answer to this Ask Darlene question "What can I do about possible emotional abuse of my adoptive nephew?" can be found below.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

Comments for
What can I do about possible emotional abuse of my adoptive nephew?

Click here to add your own comments

Apr 17, 2008

Emotional abuse is difficult to prove...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Pamela, while I sympathize with your position, if your sister-in-law refuses to accept any kind of caring and thoughtful advice when it comes to what you and I would call appropriate discipline, there's not much that can be done.

From a legal perspective, your brother and his wife have the right to discipline their child as they see fit, as long as what they do to him does not constitute the legal definition of child abuse. Emotional abuse is such a difficult type of abuse to prove; a type of abuse that most child protection agencies don't even consider, except when it is combined with another form of abuse or in the most severe cases.

Parents are not required to take parenting courses. Even in situations where courses are required, typically, there is seldom any follow up to ensure a parent is incorporating what has been taught. Neither are parents required to conform to any particular method of discipline. Even the courts permit some extraordinarily cruel forms of physical punishment in the name of discipline. What one person considers cruel and unusual, another considers acceptable and warranted. What one person thinks of as guilt-inducing and thus possibly damaging to the child's self-esteem, another thinks of as virtue-inducing logical consequences of the behaviour. Good or reasonable judgment cannot be legislated.

Even though you and I agree that your sister-in-law is taking things too far with respect to disciplining Brian, and even though we both believe that she herself is somewhat unstable, unless you see her doing something that would fit the legal definition of child abuse, your hands are tied. But if you do suspect or know of abuse, then report it to the appropriate child protection agency.

I can only suggest that you yourself treat Brian with respect and dignity. Model that behaviour for him; he will likely retain some of that if he sees and experiences it from outside sources. Using myself as an example, if I hadn't had the love and understanding of a beloved aunt while I was growing up, if I hadn't had her as my rescuer even for only a few days of a few of the earliest years of growing up, I likely would have completed suicide before I was 12 years old. Her love of me carried me through some of the most horrific of abusive incidents at the hands of my mother. My aunt's love helped me to "hang on." Pamela, you can BE and model that love for Brian.

I also strongly urge you NOT to denigrate your brother or his wife in ear- or eye-shot of Brian. If he hears his parents being disparaged, he will think of himself as flawed, and he will blame himself for the way you and others feel about his parents AND for the way they treat him. That is the nature of children.

I wish you and Brian all the best.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Click here to add your own comments

What can I do about possible emotional abuse of my adoptive nephew?

Comments for What can I do about possible emotional abuse of my adoptive nephew?

Comments for
What can I do about possible emotional abuse of my adoptive nephew?