Was masturbating in childhood a sign that I was sexually abused?
by Confused
(New South Wales, Australia)
I am a 34-year-old (will be 35 this year) a female in New South Wales. Over the years, I've been experiencing strange memories of my past, and I do not know whether they are fact or fiction. I am scared as hell. What I am saying is that since age 3, (the max I can identify) I used to masturbate a lot. It felt quite good, but at the same time, I felt horrible and sick. My mother caught me and I was terribly embarrassed by it, but she said it was disgusting what I was doing.
I've suffered chronic depression since I was a young child. I would sleep and sometimes hide for comfort and security.
I recently completed my exam on child protection. Since then I have not been able to get this experience out of my head. Every time I remember it, I question myself. Had I been sexually abused? It's very confusing. What I do remember is sitting on my parents' bed on my own and feeling weird and very confused.
I am a smart and intelligent woman. I have three wonderful boys in my life now. I know I am not crazy, but the feeling and thinking about it, is making me crazy.
This is all I can really explain at this time. What is the best thing I can do for myself so that I can be saved a future of resentment?
Reply from Darlene: Whether or not you were sexually abused as a child, I cannot say. It's not unusual for a life situation to trigger something from your past. Sometimes a particular or partial memory is recalled, sometimes full memory surfaces, and sometimes the situation prompts a flashback or a series of flashbacks, often times the person experiences a host of seemingly irrational emotions that don't correspond with any particular memory. These emotions can take the form of fear, anxiety, a sense of dread, etc. Sometimes a smell, a taste, or even a sound or touch can further trigger emotions and recall.
But I would be remiss if I didn't address the issue of your child protection exam and the training that must have come before it. Your professor, teacher, or instructor had a duty of care to identify to your class of students, even before instructions began, that the material you were about to cover could lead to disclosures and/or memories of child abuse that had been previously repressed. The instructor should have at that time made it quite clear what course of action a student in that situation should take; namely, some form of counselling. When I took my child abuse training with the Canadian Red Cross, my instructor stated she would temporarily shut down training if one of us were in this situation, and she would further provide resources to that student. The fact that you don't know what to do now that these memories and feelings have emerged tells me a change needs to happen with regard to future child protection classes.
Remainder of my reply to this Ask Darlene question "Was masturbating in childhood a sign that I was sexually abused?" can be found below.
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