Very confused about whether or not I was abused?

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Very confused about whether or not I was abused?

by A
(USA)

Darlene,
This is probably a post you won't see very often, and I feel very weird posting it, but finally I found a place I could ask this question and not have someone judge me.

As far as I can remember, I was not abused growing up. I did have a few incidents a few years ago, but that does not relate to my problem. My problem is that I am obsessed with the thought that someone has hurt me and I don't know who, when, or why. I've had this feeling since as long as I can remember.

I am 19 now. I work at daycare centers for a living and plan to work with children for the rest of my life, and I can't help but constantly worry about each and every child, wondering if they are being abused. I used to hurt myself as a young child.

When I was in 8th grade, I told my boyfriend that I was being abused, when I wasn't; however, I started to make myself believe I was. Basically, I have no recollection of being hurt as a child, but I truly believe I have been because of my constant negative thoughts.

I'm always thinking that something is wrong with me for always thinking negatively, being worried, having strange fears. I've had nightmares of strange occurrences. My boyfriend tells me I have strange tendencies and that I am scared of very weird things (like my face being covered or someone having physical power over me) and he doesn't know why. I did grow up with an emotionally abusive mother, however, constantly getting angry at me for little things, and I do know that was hard. But I feel like that isn't even the half of it. I'm constantly in need of attention-good or bad. I feel the urge to tell my closest companions that I've been abused, even though I don't know that I have been. I'm sad when I'm alone. Songs about abuse make me cry...can you help me figure this out? Am I crazy?

Signed,
A

Note from Darlene: My answer to this Ask Darlene question "Very confused about whether or not I was abused?" can be found below. If you do not see the comments I've written, please be patient, as there is a system glitch regarding comments going live on my site. I replied to your query June 6, 2008, comments titled "Crazy does not apply here..." Keep checking back to this page. I thank you and my other visitors for your understanding while I work at getting this minor malfunction rectified.

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Very confused about whether or not I was abused?

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Jun 06, 2008

"Crazy" does not apply here...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I am not a therapist, A, so I'm not qualified to help you figure this out, so to speak. I can only provide validation, encouragement, information, and advise you to seek out the assistance of a counsellor. The right professional can help you sort out your fears, and may also be able to draw out the reasons for them.

As for whether or not you're "crazy," the term "crazy" is a layman's term. Health care professionals don't use such labels; and if any one of them ever did, it would be time to find a different one. And from my perspective as a layman, you are NOT crazy. What you are dealing with is what I call crazy-making: the not knowing, the questioning, and the constant "irrational" fears, seemingly because of what you can't remember. It's all very confusing, and the constant stream of thought attached to it all only serves to scramble the mind even further.

Even a single incident of trauma, be it in the form of witnessing the abuse of another, or experiencing physical or sexual abuse personally can severely impact a child. If the trauma is too terrible to remember, the brain can easily block it out.

I have answered a query for another visitor regarding the issue of repressed memories caused by traumatic events, A...Bernadette from Ireland through my Ask Darlene page on this site. I recommend you read her query at No memory of childhood: Is this common? and my subsequent replies beneath Bernadette's post.

I cannot stress enough the importance that you find a counsellor, A, someone who you can trust, someone who will work with you to unravel what seems so wound up in you. You're worth that kind of help. You might also find it helpful to start a journal; writing can be cleansingly therapeutic.

And just so you know, I get this question in its various forms a lot more often than you might realize; so you are definitely not alone with it. So...right here, right now, you can stop feeling "weird" about it. You are quite right when you say that you will not be judged by asking the question on this website. I would never permit it.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Jun 07, 2008

I*ve always wondered the same thing
by: jaybee

I have vivid memories about my mom locking me in the basement in the dark. It was horrible, but she always insists this never happened to me, and I am crazy. This is one of the few things I remember from my childhood until I was about 12 or so.

I*m really glad I found this. Thank you.

Jun 12, 2008

To A:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I'm posting this in an effort to release the other comments currently in queue for this submission; there is a system glitch that has yet to be resolved. My sincere apologies for the delay in getting these comments to appear on this page. I realize it's an inconvenience, but rest assured, I continue to work at trying to fix this problem.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Jul 12, 2008

I can relate
by: Anonymous

I am very sorry for what you are going through,
when it comes to feeling like something happened but do not know what, I can relate. I have always also thought I was crazy. As a child I would be terrified of certain places. I would kick, scream and throw a fit in order not to have to go into these places. And they were normal everyday places such as a certain grocery store, Ponderosa steak house, and the movies. I was really terrified of these places and do not know why, even to this day.
I have also come across women in my life who give me a very scard, sick, uneasy feeling just looking at them. Sounds silly I know. But even Jo on the 80's show "The facts of life" Creeps me out. If she comes on the T.V. I have to turn my head. I don't know if these women remind me of someone who may have abused me or not.
I have huge blanks in my childhood but I do remember acting out sexual events with another girl my age when I was 8 years old. I don't really think that is why I feel I may have been abused because Weird things happened before that.
Now I am 28 years old, married, and am expecting my 5th child. I am Just now starting to research things and deal with whatever may have happened. Because serious problems are effecting my life.
I cannot be intimate with my husband without feeling sick and dirty at times, I even feel at times I want to bite or hit him to make him stop even though all I would have to do is just ask!
I even have a very hard time with hugs and kisses from my kids at times. I guess I feel like I have to protect myself and these children are MY Babies! Whom are at no fault and do not deserve that. I had to STRUGGLE breastfeeding because I couldn't take the unwanted feeling of being close it brought. But I suffered through it for them. I find myself hating myself for that because I am who they count on to love and protect them!
Needless to say, I am finally seeking help.
My advice to anyone who just feels they were abused and just can't remember it....get help before you start a family. This feeling seems to control my life in every area and hurt the people I really Love.
God Bless you sweetie,
Please know you are not alone!

Jan 11, 2012

i can relate.
by: me

I was diagnosed with OCD. Alot of what you are all saying. is what I go through. obsessive compulsive disorder consist of unwanted sexual and violent thoughts. I cannot say if that is the case with you. but for me it is true. so seeing a specialist can help you out allot. I am medicated now and able to be a loving supportive wife and mother. I actually believed that my 3 month old baby hated me. and that every person i saw was judging me for thinking what i did. but they never knew.

feeling crazy is part of OCD. you feel like you have lost complete control of your life. you have irrational fears and beliefs. insomnia and lucid sexual or violent dreams. always happening to you or the ones you love.

I hope knowing this might help answer some questions. starting at kindergarten i became sexually interested, i experimented. with my friends usually the same gender.

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Very confused about whether or not I was abused?

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Very confused about whether or not I was abused?