Tired From It All

by Annie
(United Kingdom)

Last year in July, my counselor asked me about my childhood. And I revealed how violent my dad was... I knew what he did was violent, but all my life I always thought that what he did was something everybody went through, so it was nothing new. What seem unacceptable is that he used his body parts, such as hands and legs to hit/kick me. There were occasions when he threatened to hit me with his elbow too. I knew that his actions were unacceptable when I revealed to my counselor about it, without knowing the fact that what he did was unacceptable.

I also revealed to my counselor that my mum's and dad's actions are haunting me daily.

For my mum, ever since she found out that I self harm (I self harm due to other issues I faced in the past.) She pulled up my shorts just to see the scars on my thighs...And that didn't happen once. The last time she did it, she added on and said, "I don't know what to do with your thighs." (My thighs have many scars on them.) I was so frightened. Till this day, even when my mum isn't around, I can still sense that my mum's hand is on my thigh, ready to lift my pants just to see those scars again.

There was once she saw my scars on my left arm in public (We were in a supermarket) and she shouted "Still cutting yourself!!!" I didn't cut myself for days back then. People near my mum could hear every single word. She just shouted. I felt embarassed and frightened...I felt suicidal after the whole incident.

I feel that my mum is a very cunning person. Each time she asked to go shopping with her, she would suddenly ask me about my cuts, because she always took advantage of the fact that my dad and my brother weren't around. Then I would be under great stress and I would go suicidal.

In December last year, I told my counselor that all that my parents had done haunts me every day. I get flashbacks and sometimes, nightmares regarding what they did to me. I got a very shocking response from my counselor. She said that my dad is physically abusive and my mum is emotionally abusive. To this day, I still wish that what my counselor said to me is wrong. It wasn't abuse.

Just last night, I had another nightmare...The nightmare was about me being molested by someone.
I woke up and I realised in the past, my own brother did molest me several times when I was about 9 years old...Like he would touch me so inappropriately and so suddenly back then and I did not see that coming.

The only thing that is comforting me is that I remembered complaining to my mum over my brother touching me inappropriately, and my mum responded by caning my brother and threatening to call the police if he were to do that again...

And I remember about 2 years ago, that I needed to get something on the sofa that my dad was leaning on...As I stretched over to get it, my dad caught one of my knees with his hand and when I looked at him, he was smiling at me...I don't like that...at all...It's just creepy.

I haven't told anyone regarding what happened to me this week, except my close friend. She told me that she is going to call the police if that were to happen to me again. She also told me that I should move on and don't over think about it. But how can I move on? I feel disgusted with my body now and I wish this body and mind isn't mine.

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Comments for Tired From It All

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May 22, 2015
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Your counselor is right. Your father was/is physically abusive and your mother was/is emotionally abusive. Both are terribly misguided in multiple ways.

And though I understand your "satisfaction" at your molesting brother getting caned by your mother for his sexual abuse of you, what she did to him is disturbing. Beating someone for their actions, even the actions that are criminal, may seem to dissuade the behaviour in the future, but likely only makes it even more secretive. Your brother hasn't touched you again and for that, of course you're grateful but in all likelihood, he is molesting, or will molest, other children. Your mother didn't solve the problem, she kept it quiet. And by keeping it quiet, under wraps, the problem will perpetuate. There will be more victims.

I do hope you are still seeing the counselor for your own healing. And I do hope you'll begin to see that self-harm is self-abuse. That you are taking the torch from your parents, especially your father, and physically abusing your beautiful body. And yes, your body IS beautiful. To hate your body is to blame your Self for all that you have endured. And you are NOT to blame.

Start treating your Self with the dignity, respect and self-love you deserve. Don't take a page from your parents' guidebook. Write your own. Just because they've mistreated you doesn't open the door for YOU to mistreat you. Or for others to mistreat you. You deserve so much better than what you are receiving.

You're tired of it all. That's understandable. So use that tired of it all in a way that is purposeful. Not in a suicidal way, but rather, in a way that can help both you and others who have gone through something similar. Make what you have endured have purpose. In that way, there can be an abundance of healing.

I send you love, light and healing energy, Annie. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

From Victim to Victory, a memoir
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

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