The Abusive Family

by Elaine Ellis
(Lancashire, UK)

O.k. So this isn't quite what I promised... I know I've deviated. But I had to get this down on "paper", because otherwise I'd forget.
So, what it is that leads some families to abuse? What is it that makes them abusive?
I've asked this many a time, I suppose because I always felt that the abuse occurring in my family did not just happen because of one person, or one thing, alone. There was some kind of "dynamic" - a motivating force behind all that happened. There was something about my family make-up, my family set-up, that permitted abuse; that allowed it to take place, that did nothing to stop it.
I don't know if all families are alike; I suspect not. However, I witnessed something recently that got me thinking on a deeper level...
You see, I know what kind of family I came from. I know my mother, my father, my brother. I am related to them by blood. Don't get me wrong! This is not any kind of suggestion that I think I KNOW them - like, really, truly KNOW them. I firmly believe that you never TRULY know anyone. You only know what they want you to - what they choose to let you see. Sometimes, and often by accident, you happen across something a little extra. Something unguarded. Something you weren't meant to see, or to know. And (this is only in my experience, mind) people seem to get uncomfortable when this happens.
People are as much about faking it as they are about truth. And when the fake is exposed, all Hell breaks loose.
So, I reckon that by extension, families (made up of people) are also about faking it. They present one, acceptable face, to the outside world. Something different exists within.
Abuse, to occur, relies on the fact that it remains hidden. It is a dirty, dark secret that no family wants to expose to the "outsider". That is why so many victims of abuse are coerced or threatened into silence. Heaping guilt trips onto them ensures that they feel so responsible, and to blame, for the abuse happening that they fear speaking out. They fear reprisals. They fear worse to come.
I understood this dynamic in MY family, even as it was occurring. Yet something that happened this weekend past made me look again at matters...
I am married, to a lovely guy. But there is one question that I have always harboured, ever since I first met him. He is youngest of three brothers. Nobody in his family (and this includes his father) ever did anything other than let his mother have her own way. My mother-in-law is, as a result, somewhat of a vain and self-obsessed woman. Yes, I am related to her by marriage - but I cannot like her. There is something about her that has always made me deeply uncomfortable. Something that reminds me of my own parents, and their behaviour.
My mother-in-law has little empathy for others. She always expects her needs and demands to be met, no matter what. She always expects to come first. She always hogs the limelight. She does not understand that other people have their own lives, and need their own space. Everything revolves around her. She visits unannounced, and never quits calling, and cannot understand that people don't want visitors just as they are going out. She demands to take up people's time, with her constant fussing, endless health concerns, and general gossiping behind people's backs. She is nosy and interfering. She constantly criticises her daughters-in-law, and spends every moment of her time with us telling us how she thinks we should do things.
I have mentioned this frequently to my husband. He does NOTHING to challenge it, and when I have stated that I will challenge it, TELLS ME OFF, as though I am insensitive towards his mother.
Now, this has puzzled me, up until this weekend's conversation with my husband. It all came out. In a nutshell, the sons were brought up to put "mummy" on a pedestal, because this is what their father did. A pathetic, and weak, unemployed man, he never questioned his wife, never stood up for himself, never had a point of view. Whenever a quarrel occurred, his wife was always allowed to win, otherwise there would be screaming, tantrums and "waterworks" from her. I have seen her behave like this, but never realised that was how she'd ALWAYS been given free rein to behave!

Now, understanding this about my husband's family and behaviour, I applied the same logic to my own. What I came to understand is that in families, parents set the guidelines for how things will be. It is the parents who, by behaving in particular ways, create the template - effectively dictating "rules" by which a family will operate. They have the power to encourage and condone certain behaviours, to reward particular acts. They can also punish and discourage others. As a consequence, their children come to learn what is expected of them.
And what about abuse? Well, I figured that this must work in a similar way. That the parents tacitly, or otherwise, give their consent. Yes, there may well be one parent who is the main perpetrator of abuse (or this may be another family figure, e.g. a sibling); but there is also collaboration. There is often another family member, or members, who are effectively "enablers". For example, the wife who witnesses her husband beating her son, but does not step in to halt it. Or the sister who encourages mother's verbal abuse of a sibling by adding snide remarks of her own.
The "enabler" is the person who, for some reason, may be aware of abuse happening, but permits it. This may be because they, too, fear being harmed if they speak out. Or, it could be because they have been brought up to feel that the abusive behaviour is "normal" - they may, as a result, even fail to recognise it as abuse. They may be the sort of person who gains a vicarious, indirect thrill out of watching somebody else be harmed, even though they could not carry out direct abuse. They may genuinely be a weak, and submissive individual; this could well be the reason that the abuser singled them out as "enabler".
So, the abuser can abuse, safe in the knowledge that the victim is too fearful to speak out, and safe in the knowledge that the "enabler(s)" will turn a blind eye.
All relationships between humans involve the existence of some kind of dynamic. There has to be an agreement into which the individuals concerned have entered, willingly or otherwise, which governs the way they interact. This is no different whether one is talking of a couple, a family, of affection or abuse. The interaction that takes place may well depend on a number of factors, such as personality, age, status, gender, physical build... But, what we all have to remember is that these interactions can change. Nothing is set in stone. We can change, and, as adults, can make choices about how we go on to interact with others. Whether these choices are positive or negative depends a good deal on one's level of self-awareness.
So, and you've probably heard me say this a lot, DON'T TAKE ANYTHING FOR GRANTED. ASK QUESTIONS. THINK ON THINGS. As adult survivors of abuse we have a lot of negative past experiences. But they are still experiences we can learn from. We do not have to repeat such "mistakes". We can look at ourselves as adults from a fresh perspective. We can learn to accept ourselves as "separate" from the abuse that occurred. That we are not the reason for it. We can build lives and have families of our own, where we write OUR OWN rules - ways of behaving that do not include abuse.

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