Sexual Abuse or Not?

by Anonymous
(Rancho Cucamonga, California, USA)

I don't know how long ago my abuse started with my cousin, and it stopped about a year before she moved to . . . somewhere. I love my cousin dearly, and I write for her as well as myself, because I believe that both of us may have been abused, not just me.

I blocked this out of my memory for a long time. The furthest back I remember of my abuse was when we were standing in the back of her house. There was a blanket over our heads, and we were tongue-kissing each other. It scares the crap out of me to know this. I know I'm not lesbian, but I am really confused.

Every time I went over to her house, or she came over mine, we'd automatically go to her or my room, shut the door, and play sexual games with her stuffed animals. We'd watch each other, or we'd pretend that our Barbie's were having sex with each other, or got kidnapped by a bad guy and were getting raped. We were 6 and 8 years old at the time.

One time, she showed me her breasts and had me rub them. She and I would play 'dare or double dare', where you'd have to do whatever the person said to do, or go in the closet and pretend to have sex with yourself naked(and loud enough that the person could hear).

I'm still not sure if this counts as sexual abuse, because I didn't think that it was wrong, and I think I might have actually enjoyed playing these games. The thing is, now I have painful, disturbing sexual fantasies.

I am so sorry if this utterly disturbs anyone, especially others who put a story on this site. I am so ashamed of this story that I can't even put my name on it, because I'm too humiliated by it.

Comments from Darlene Barriere:
The question asked in this commentary is a question that is obviously on the minds of many of my visitors. I receive many queries about whether or not what is being described between two children either constitutes sexual abuse or indicates sexual abuse occurred somewhere in one of the child's lives. I regret that I cannot reply to all who ask me this question. In an effort to deal with the rising number of queries on this issue, I have addressed the topic through my comments on this page.

Before you decide to comment on the above story, especially if you are offering an opinion, please read my comments below first.

Sexual abuse or not? A very complicated question.

There is a big difference between sexual exploration and sexual exploitation. It is perfectly normal for children to "experiment" with each other, even when they are of the same gender. This does not mean either of the children is gay or lesbian. Kissing a cousin, even touching each other, may well fall into the realm of curious exploration, especially when the children are 6 and 8 years old respectively. It is quite natural for the curious exploration to "feel good," which can perpetuate the exploration even further.

However, what is unusual is the degree in which you were both engaged in this activity. One or both of you were exhibiting sexualized behaviour that was beyond your years—a huge red flag. The sex games played with stuffed animals and Barbie dolls, the truth or dare game played with each other, clearly points toward sexual abuse from somewhere. At 6 and 8 years old, having the sexual knowledge you described is very unlikely UNLESS one or both of you was sexually abused somewhere along the line.

Children can be sexual offenders. But statistics show that in all child sex offender cases, these children have been sexually abused themselves.

In Canadian law, children who are 2 years or less apart in age are generally considered to be in the same stage of development. This is a key element in whether or not the child would be considered a sexual offender. Children in the same stage of development are NOT considered sex offenders. There must be more than 2 year's difference in age for this to be the case. And even when a child is deemed to be a sex offender, each case tends to be handled on its own merits.

So to answer your original question, there was likely some form of sexual abuse, but based on what you described and the age you and your cousin were at the time, the sexual abuse did not occur between the two of you.

Anonymous, you are not alone with your feelings. You need to tell yourself that what went on wasn't your fault. And it wasn't your cousin's fault. You were children; and as children, you cannot be held responsible for the sexualized behaviour that went on. I urge you seek out some form of counselling to help you sort through the emotions these memories now stir in you.

I thank you for having the courage to write and ask this troubling question.

Comments for Sexual Abuse or Not?

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Nov 05, 2007
Too Young
by: JWC

I agree with Darlene. Either one or both of these girls must have been sexually abused prior to their experimentation with each other. They simply had too much knowledge for their age.

Nov 06, 2007
Sexually abused
by: Anonymous

When i was 14 years old i had a "botfriend" for about 2 years at the begining of our relantionship it was good it was basically like a dream i thought my life was getting better.After a while he started going to my middle school i was in the 8th and he was barely in the 6th but suppose to be in the 8th.His my and father abused him and his mother so one day we were getting in a fight and he slapped me he said sorry and it won't happen again but it did over over again he would get so agrusive if i didn't let him touch my chest or stick his hands down my pants one time he bit me on my arm which left a very big brusie my mom saw it and i told her i did it at school he would alway force his self in my mouth or his hands down my pants im 16 now and i learned to talk about it and not let it rote inside.

Nov 06, 2007
To "Sexually Abused by Anonymous"
by: Darlene Barriere

I'm very glad you talked about the abuse you were enduring at the hands of your boyfriend, and I sincerely hope you are no longer with him.

What you described in your comments below is called Relationship Violence (RV). It is not considered child abuse, although the sexual acts you described would be considered sexual assault. For more information about RV, please check out my recently posted article titled Is this type of violence considered child abuse?

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Jan 26, 2009
6 yrs
by: Anonymous

What about when their are 6 years difference between 2 cousins, 8 & 14!
parents of abuser say "just a stupid game" However 8 yr old was very troubled and.....

Jun 21, 2009
I can relate
by: Anonymous

I had a very similar experience(so similar it's creepy) with my older female cousin. I think she's about 5 years older than me. We always took baths together and mostly it was exposure types of things. These things started when I was very young, maybe 5? and escalated until I was 12, though we saw each other infrequently. Perhaps 3 or 4 times a year. She was dominant during these encounters, giving me commands with me happily obeying. For many years I didn't even think of these encounters as sexual, but I did have a sense of shame about them. We moved to the other side of the country when I was 10 or 11, so that officially marked the end of these encounters. There was a weird thing that happened when we went back to visit a couple years after we moved. I longed to have the same kind of interaction with my cousin and I asked her to take a bath with me. She said "sure" but didn't instigate anything sexual during the bath. At this time, she was a fully developed young woman and I remember being in awe of her naked beauty. I felt totally rejected because she didn't approach me the way she had before, and I haven't spoken to her since.

I have since put the whole thing in a different perspective, and I too crave deviant things sexually. I've gone through a great deal of bisexual promiscuity. It's like I have a hard time just being friends with people, I always wanted to take my friendships to a sexual level. I also spent alot of time being rather sexually self-destructive, sleeping with strangers etc. I have since overcome these problems and I'm now married, but it creeps into my marriage because I often feel unsatisfied with my husband who can only offer normal sex. But I am committed that I will keep fighting this battle and seek healing rather than continuing to act out. My husband is an absolute gem in that I can talk to him about al this stuff.

I'm still working on processing this, I'm so glad I found your story. I vacillate between feeling sorry for my cousin and being angry with her for sexualizing me at such a young age. I'm pretty sure she must have been acting out on something, because she's had a pretty messed up adult life too. Lots of boyfriends, abusive relationships, affairs with married men etc.

I also had an issue where my older brother would find my Dad's pornography and show it to me. He didn't intend to hurt me by showing me this, he was just curious like any child would be. But I know that this early exposure to sex affected me deeply. I wonder if my cousin was also exposed to pornography that perhaps instigated the abuse. At the time video had just come out and it's main purpose was for porn. I think parents in the 70s and 80s were naive about the fact that their kids would get a hold of this vile stuff and denial reigned.

Jul 31, 2009
male cousin
by: Anonymous

I was 6 and my older male cousin was 13 when he forced me into holding his penis, and forced me into doing oral sex. I didn't want to do this. I kept on saying "No", but i guess that didn't work. Another time I was 9 and he was 16. This was yet again with the same cousin. I'm 25 now. To this day it makes me feel sick thinking about everything.

Nov 08, 2009
Not to worry...
by: Anonymous

I wouldn't worry about sexual contact with other children when you too were a child. What separates child exploration and sexual abuse is the lack of knowledge that comes with it. A sexual abuser knows full on what they are doing and have a large age gap between the victim. A child may know that it's wrong but not on the level we do. If children consent with another child (without threat) then its obviously NOT abuse, and if the children are in the same age group (2-4, 5-8, 10-12) Then there is nothing to be worried about. The truth is that children love to test limits and are intrigued with their surroundings so its not at all a wonder that kids do thing like they see mommy and daddy do or what the people on TV do. There is also a debate of what is normal or not normal. The truth is that there is no guideline. What children are exposed to plays a great role in the type of play they do. Some kids go as far as to attempt intercourse with each other. Though this kind of play is innapropiate it's not abusive as long it was with two children and they had consent. In conclusion I think we need to all just calm down and not panic at the idea but at the same time don't condone it.

Mar 04, 2010
im only 15 :(
by: Elizabeth

i was only 14 when i was sexually assaulted by a guy that is 17 and he was a complete stoner. i didnt even know this guy. first it started off with him just doing little things. he got his arms around me from my neck. he put all his weight on me. well then he got his hand down the front of my shirt into my bra. he was playing wwith my boobs. he did this all in front of my last year math teacher. my old teacher didnt even say anything of what he saw. well i finally got his hands out of my shirt. then he was talking about about he was gonna get me from being bisexual cause he was gonna fuck me so damn hard that i would only look at him like that. then he was talkin about how skinny i was. about how i was gonna be easy to slip on and off. which i think im sure you know what means by that. well i didnt really say anything cause he was stoned and i didnt really know what he was capable of. so i didnt push him. well then we went over to his car cause he wanted to show me something. he wanted to show me where he kept his drugs and boing in his car. wow. that was just a stupid mistake. well then he got me pinned up againist his car. he got his hands in my back pocket of my jeans. he was kissing my neck and talking bout how gorgeous i was and then he got his tongue in my mouthh. :( i couldnt get him to stop at all. i was so scared. well i finally got for him to stop and leave me alone for a little. but tht didnt last long. well then we went over to the bleachers beside the school and he was picking me up and swinging me around. he was poking my sides. i tried to get him to stop. well then a couple of my guys friends came around and i was dropping hints on what was happening. well finally when they realized it and pieced it together. they decided to stay and help me if i needed it. well i jumped on my friend;s back for a piggy back ride not thinking that he was gonna do anything. well i got up and he shoved his hands down the back of pants into my underwear. well someone my friend got me down and was able to get the guy's hands out of my pants. well then once we got for him to get into his hair. he spirled his wheels and called me a whore. well he followed me all the way home. this guy has changed me to the point that its so unreal.

Mar 07, 2010
by: Izzy

I do not agree about the cronological age. I was 9 and my friend was 9 and a half. But I had only lived with my mother and my grandmother- both separated. Although both of them had had boyfriends, I did not learn about them until I was over 18. I had seen people together (only kissing) in films but in real life people used to be very delicate, and particularly in front of my mother and grandmother because of the same reason....and considering this was in Chile in 1971

My male friend had his parents together.
I did not even know how children were "made" or born, and I had never lived with my father or any man. Clearly, the cronological age was similar but the EMOTIONAL AGE WAS NOT...He aproached me as if I had been her girlfriend, kissing my neck, touching me and whispering in my ear...and then he tenderly took my dress and tried to take my pants down..he was my best friend..nearly my brother...and I was paralised and very uncomfortable..and scared..
I´ve got the idea he perfectly knew what he was doing..since he closed the door and the windows and made sure people in the house was far away...but I did not understand a word..I was a little girl but he was acting like a man...And I changed a lot after that.
I can only feel orgasms now when a man takes me in a violent way..a way in which I do not have time to it it were a rape fantasy...kidnapping and rape fantasies are recurrent in my life.
I started my sexual life at 29...I usually avoided being touched ..but since then I tend to be promiscuous and separate love from sex...
I never told nor thought about this until I tried to understand why I had sexual problems, and suddenly I remember this about 5 years ago..
For me, this was not a GAME, nor an EXPLORATION.

Mar 10, 2010
The past hurts
by: Anonymous

I was sexually (assaulted) by my boyfriend when I was 16...he was 17. I made it very clear that I wanted to wait until marriage since I was raised in a religious home.
He was very gradual about it and started out by pinning me down occasionally and showing me how much stronger he was than me. He would tell me that everyone is having sex, what's my problem. He would put insecurities in my head, call me names and hit me. But what stupidly made me stay, were the good days when he'd say sorry and bring flowers and take me out on a nice date to forget all that had happened. "I was having a bad day, I don't know what came over me, sorry, I love won't happen again." he would say.

Finally he eventually raped me for the first time and I cried after. He made me feel dumb for crying about it. I feared him so I would obey over the next couple months. He would grab the back of my neck and force my mouth on him for oral sex and I would quite often gag from the force.

I don't know where I would be if my loving parents hadn't discovered this and helped give me the strength to get out of that situation. I kept it all a secret but my dad noticed a bruise on my arm one day and asked point blank "did he do that to you?" I broke down in tears confessing and to this day he still has no idea how bad it really was. I didn't want to hurt him so he only thinks it happend 2 or 3 times. It was way more even though we were only together for 8 months. I think back and it's hard for me to understand why I didn't leave the first time but he was my 1st boyfriend and my lack of experience made me start to think it was normal somehow. He was also a master manipulator.

I am 27 years old now and happily married with a wonderful man and I am still suffering by what what my ex boyfriend did to me.

But now, I recently found my 4 year old daughter in a room with three of her male cousins (2 of them age 4 as well, and 1 age 6) exposing herself at the command of 1 of the 4 year olds. Apparently that 4 year old has been asking her to show her privates to him for about a year and I don't know how serious this is. I asked her why she listens to him and she says, "I don't want him to be mad at me." This pains me to hear this since I had the same fear at 16. At age four playing doctor can be a curious thing but for a year? I don't want to over react but I'm very bothered by this. They will both be starting kindergarten in the same class in the fall. I am very close with my sister and we live 3 houses away, it would be very hard to keep them away from each other. I fear this could be the start of a horrible journey for her.

May 05, 2010
It happened to me too..
by: Anonymous

Me and my sister used to play one or two games like this but we were younger..It turned out that we were sexually abused by 2 girls a good bit older then us before this. Inever remembered but my sister did and she said i was always there. You should talk to your cousin about this and see if she remembers and get some help, talk to someone: Mother, Aunty, siter, terapist etc. itll really help

Jun 28, 2010
by: Anonymous

I was sexually abused by my cousin when i was 12 and he was 11. I had no knowledge on any type of sexual things and he took me into woods and started kissing me. I didnt think it was that bad since i saw it in movies all the time but then he put his hands in my pants and i became scared and he wouldnt let me leave and he threatened me. I will never forget those terrible moments when he was on top of me for hours. i have never told my parents and i still have problems im facing from this experience

Jul 06, 2010
Confused and wondering how all this begin
by: Anonymous

I had the same experience with my male cousin. I cant remember when it started but I do remember I was 5 he snuck into the bed with me and my mom got angry. My mom ask me over and over if he touched me and I lied because I didnt want to get him or myself in trouble. He was 8. I wasnt scared and I felt like since it didnt hurt. It was ok. The next time I can remember is watching flicks with him at the age of 8 and letting him rub on me and me sitting on him nude. I am so ashamed and I cant believe I didnt tell my mom. Then I have flash backs of me and my sister role playing at home. We are three years apart. I am so confused and I feel so guilty! I dont know what to do with these emotions and I am getting married next year.... I also remember several of my other cousins and friends role playing too.

Jul 07, 2010
continuing to the last comment
by: Anonymous

It is the worst feeling and its so hard to admit to. I was most ashamed because this had happened with my cousin and i always felt like it was my fault. Im only 16 and i am starting to realize how this experience has effected my relationships now. I am starting to figure out that this wasnt just a game but i was sexually abused. If a person knows how bad what there doing is and they dont tell you that is neglect. I need to tell my mom but i dont know how

Dec 11, 2010
Yes sexual abuse
by: Anonymous

When I was 5 my 8 and 9 year old cousins had sex with me and me. It was a trick and I didn't even know I was having sex. They asked me if I wanted to play a jumping on the bed game. I was aroused but didn't understand it. I am 41 years old, a mother to a little girl and I still have rape fantasies. I started having disturbing sexual thoughts in kindergarten and it turned to full blown rape fantasies at 9.

When very young children are touched the mind can not relate and the strange thoughts begin.

Mar 19, 2011
finding an answer
by: Anonymous

I was about 5 years old when my female cousin forced herself onto me. I enjoyed playing "rape" games with her but at the same time I felt, like many of you, ashamed. I probably did not understand what was going on and did not understand the concept of sexuality, not on an adult level anyways. I do not have twisted sexual fantasies, but these memories just randomly spring up in my mind and I feel hopeless. My sexual and emotional relationships seem to be going well so far, but should I be seeing someone? Could there be an underlying problem that I don't know about and that could possibly affect my life? Does the fact that my cousin and I did those things mean that we were abused? I have no recollection of feeling uncomfortably touched or any of the sort. Help?

Jul 03, 2011
Are these real thoughts>:
by: Anonymous

To give a little history on my self Im 26 and my parents were divorced when I was two my mom remarried and then redivorced when I was 13. Iv been dealing with these memories for a long time, and happen to find this thread and found some comfort in knowin Im not alone.It all started When I was 5 my mom took be to a therapist because she suspected sexual abuse from my dad, I have small flash backs of thing like taking a bath with my dad and him asking me," Do I want to see it." I have a a few other small memories but they are all little blurps that just dont have an ending The things that were happening with my Dad all ended after I seen the therapist ,my mom feels as if maybe that frightended him. Then I have a cousin who is a year older than me, he would ask me to play role playing games with him where he would rub against my private parts and put a plastic bag over our mouthes and then french kiss me. I guess the bags were to make us feel as if we were not really kissing. I guess what Im trying to figure out is Im not sure if this was really "sexuall" abuse at least on my cousins part. I think I enjoyed it as a kid and that is one reason I feel so guilty.I never tryed to fight it and tell him no. As for my life today as an adult I have a lot of sexual problems. I see sex as almost dirty and yet Im very promiscuous ( of course when Im not in a committed relationship). When I was a teen I was sleeping with any guy that gave me attention , my days of doing that are well gone but Im still a little more open to having casual sex than what I feel appropriate. I have sex with these guys I think because Its just what Im suppst to do then the next few days I spend beating myself up over it. I do think you can be abused and do not remember our brains do us the favor of blocking out traumatic experiences but the feeling never really goes away and Im just working on learning how to deal with these emotions and know that I dont have to sleep with a guy at the end of the night just to get them to want to stay with me. Good luck to everyone and God bless!

Sep 13, 2011
is it sexual abuse
by: Anonymous1

im 25 when i was about 10 two of my cousins who were boys aged 10 and 12 touched me stuck their fingers in me tried to get me to touch them and tried to rape me from behind. one time when i was 14 and the other the same age he actually succeeded in raping me from behind i said no but he wouldnt listen and when he pushed me down i just froze. im humiliated and ashamed by it. i had never told anyone and i always said no. its only now its really started to bother me. so i went to my doctor and told her a little and then found the courage to tell a close friend the only person i trust and they both think i should report it but i dont know what to do im scared and i feel like no one would believe me it was so long ago i dont have evidence so whats the point. please give me some advice i dont know if there is anything that could be done and if i tell i could lose my whole family and destroy alot of peoples lives.

Feb 25, 2012
i dont know
by: Anonymous

when i was 10yrs old i used to play with my 6 year old cousin boyfriend and girlfriend and we are both girls.we used to touch each other.i didnt see it as wrong but now i think of it and i dont know if it was wrong.i too have kind if guilt because now i am 20 and i am a mother and i see things in a different perspective.i thought of all that role play as normal because i seen much of that in my mom she was with one guy and another kissing and stuff.

Feb 17, 2013
Was this abuse?
by: Anonymous84

This is the first time I've ever spoken about this, I don't remember exactly the age but it was over a few occasions roughly between 10-12/13. I'm male btw, When I was young I was very sexually innocent, my cousin, a boy slightly older used to get us alone and encourage me to play games with him. At the start I wanted nothing to do with it but he convinced me through "games". We live far apart so it only happened when we met, it started as showing ourselves for dares, but progressed he kept pushing for more ... touching me and orally.. Initially I refused but was threatened with telling on me, I didn't know any different, but was sworn/threatened to secrecy. this continued when our families would occasionally meet I dont know how many times but a few. I thought it was "normal" but then it changed I was told by him it's wrong and we're not doing it anymore, ... I blanked this from my memory until late teens... and it messed my head up something serious which I compensated by getting out of my mind on drugs... I managed to put it out of my head for years again, well on and off, always deeply ashamed, I could never bring it up with someone who knows me for fear someone would find out.. It would destroy me, my family.. but I can link this to my silent suffering of depression on and off for the past years,suicidal tendencies, relationship problems as a result, sexuality issues and obscure notions even though I consider myself heterosexual...
I honestly don't know what to think, was this abuse? did I enjoy it after a while? what does that mean? what does that make me? I feel so ashamedly inhuman at times. What would someone think of me if they knew... It's easier to block it but, partially at least, it has destroyed a lot of my life. Thoughts, comments suggestions are welcome. Thanks

Feb 26, 2013
age does not define sexual maturity
by: Anonymous

to Anonymous84 (feb 2013)

I had extremely similar experiences. Between the ages of about 8 - 11 my cousin, who was the same age as me at the time, used to suggest we took part in similar activities as a 'game' and constantly argue with me that there was nothing wrong with what we were doing. whenever i refused he would get very angry with me and stop talking to me or make nasty comments so i would go along with him even though i didn't want to. he always tried to push me to go further and further and i always tried to resist. it was difficult because we were such great friends growing up, i felt very very confused and ashamed at the time. i remember the exact pair of pants i wore the first time he touched me, and as a child i pushed them to the back of the drawer and refused to wear them ever again.

i believe that if you are pushed into any sexual activity that you are not 100% happy and comfortable with then this is a form of abuse. Some kids know more about sex than other kids, some feel ready for it before others.. age does not indicate sexual maturity.

Nov 10, 2013
Same Thing
by: Anonymous

A similar thing happened to me when I was younger. My sister is 5 yrs older than me and I don't know the exact age I was when this occurred but somewhere around 5-9. My sister used to give me "back massages" but then slowly things would turn sexual, like she would bring her hands around and touch my boobs and rub my vagina. I don't remember much but I remember she made me kiss her breasts and touch her as well. I am 18 now and we have a good relationship but this still comes to my memory. I told my mom once but nothing was done about it. I now haven't been in a relationship but i have experimented sexually with girls ( i am a girl.) I worry about when i have kids if my sister would do this to them.

Jan 01, 2014
Now i feel weird
by: Anonymous

This came into my head today. I remember being around six, my little sister couldn't be more than 2. I remember seeing a kissing scene and then kissing my little sister the way they kissed then my vagina went tingly and i touched it (my own vagina not hers ) WHAT THE CRAP !!!!!!

I only kissed her a few times, i only touched my private parts that one time, but now i feel awful

But oe thing struck me, when she was about 5, i caught her and my other cousin who was also five kissing in the shed (both girls)

I feel awful, have i subconciously scarred her.

Should i tell my sister this. I'm a very protective over her. I'm not weird and don't have any crazy sexual thoughts .

Jan 17, 2015
When does it become abuse?
by: Anonymous89

I have had a very similar experience to many contributors on here and I agree with the comments of another poster that unless you feel 100% happy with the sexual experience you are having, you are being abused, at least to some extent, no matter how old the other person is.
My cousin is the same age as me (actually six weeks younger), but my upbringing (I am a girl) was a lot more sheltered than his and he has always been a lot more 'worldly-wise' than me. When we were 4 or 5 we started exploring each other's bodies (kissing each other, touching/kissing each other's private parts, etc) and sometimes we used to wear each other's clothes, without any underwear! This carried on a few times a year until we were 11, when, after a sex ed class at school, we both decided to try it out, and technically had sex (all the parts were in the right place but that was about it!). Up until this point, my cousin had initiated most of the stuff we did but I did think of some things to do and I was really enjoying everything we did, so up until this point I would class out experience as exploration and not abuse.
Everything changed, though, the next time we met up. My cousin decided we were going to have anal sex and said we couldn't have 'normal' sex if we didn't have anal sex first. I agreed reluctantly but then it hurt and I tried to stop it but he wouldn't stop. This is when the innocent exploration stopped and I became a victim of abuse. After that, I tried to avoid being left with him but on the few occasions that I couldn't avoid it he would force me to do various things to help him get aroused, from just using hands, to oral sex, to vaginal or anal sex. The last time we had any kind of sexual encounter we were 13 and I told him that what we were doing was wrong and that I didn't want to do it anymore. He said that if I didn't do exactly as he wanted he would tell my parents what I had been doing and that they would hate me. Looking back now, I should have let him do that if he wanted, but instead I let him stick his tongue down my throat, force me to give him oral sex until I gagged, and then he pushed me onto the bed and raped me. After that I have avoided being on my own with him but a few months after that incident he tried to force himself into the toilet when I was in there - I don't know how I had the strength but I managed to keep the door closed, even though he must have been much stronger than me! I now have flashbacks of the abuse when people creep up on me or when I hear certain cases of abuse or rape being discussed. I am 25 and a lesbian (I always knew I liked girls, even before anything had happened with my cousin, so I don't think the two things are related) but the only sexual experience I have had is with this cousin. I masturbate a lot and I am turned on by rape fantasies and domination and humiliation, which I find disturbing and I think is a result of the abuse. It has also affected my confidence and sense of self-worth. Thank you to everyone for posting your experiences - it really helps to know that I am not alone!

Mar 28, 2015
Similar Experience
by: LaQuida

I'm 30. I experienced the same thing. When I was 12 yrs my cousin who was 11 yrs old. It occured in my grandma's floor one night while I was sleeping. He was on top of me and he had his hands under my shirt and rubbed my breasts and pulled the back of my panties down and pajama shorts and he was close to sticking his penis in my butt. Then he pulled my panties and shorts back up. He was making these low moaning noises while he was still on top of me. I told him to stop it and he did. I hid it for a long time and didn't tell my mama or sister back then because I was real scared. I didn't tell them until I was 26 in 2010. I cried to my mama. Then she said she was sorry that, that happened to me. I had a flashback and I woke up in a cold sweat. It was so difficult for me to overcome the pain and hurt I felt inside for years. But, I prayed to God to help me let go of the pain in my past and bad memories. I still pray to him to help me overcome my sad emotions and heal me and he erases them. I forgave him for sinning against me. I have let it go and I'm moving foward.

Nov 25, 2015
I'm not sure if it's abuse or not
by: Anonymous

When I was about 9 or 10 and my cousin was about 11 we were in the basement of my auntie house and she had me to touch her private parts, suck on her nipple and dry hump her. I didn't really wanted to but I just went along with it. I do remember at one point trying to leave but she wouldn't let me. I kind of forgot about and when I thought of it again I started crying with a overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame. I'm not really sure if it was abuse or just kids experimenting but it only happened that once so I'm not sure if it would really even qualify as abuse

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