Relationship Violence Story From Sam

by Samantha
(Granby, Quebec, Canada)

I am thirteen. A couple months ago, I had a boyfriend and I really loved him. Twice he made me run away from home. He said that it was because he loved me. On the second time, he wanted us to have sex. At first I thought I was ready, but I realised I wasn't. So I tried telling him that. I thought that if he loved me he would understand and wait till I was ready. But he didn't. That's when I realised that all he wanted was my body and that he didn't really love me. I won't go in the details....

After I went home, I told my mom and she called the police. But I was so scared that my boyfriend would be mad at me that I denied everything.

I feel it's my fault because I could have screamed to wake up someone to come and help me. I feel so stupid for thinking he was in love with me. I'm always scared that it will happen again.

If you're a victim of physical abuse or sexual abuse in a relationship, don't keep it to yourself. Talk about it.

Darlene's comments are at the link below.

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Comments for Relationship Violence Story From Sam

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Jan 19, 2008
It wasn't your fault
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

You must stop blaming yourself, Samantha. You were scared, and because of that fear, you stayed quiet. That does not make it your fault! You did not consent, because you said no. There is no gray area when it comes to consent. The answer is either "yes" or it's "no." "No" does NOT mean maybe. If you're wavering, the answer is "no." When you told him you weren't ready, he should have stopped. Period!

I hope you are getting some form of counselling, Samantha. A professional could help you to get past your fears. And of course, the support of your family is critical during this time—I'm so glad that you were brave enough to tell your mother. Telling protected you from further abuse. And thank you for sharing what happened to you. Your story could help someone from finding themselves in the same situation.

Does Your Relationship make the Grade? by: Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From the Talk Before Touching™ Series
Does Your Relationship Make the Grade?

Jan 20, 2008
love or just sex
by: Anonymous

usually they do tell you its because of love. I know, the same happened to me, so i know where you come from and how it feels. But be strong, someday you will find Mr. Right. I did!

May 02, 2008
Not Your Fault...
by: Elaine Riley

Sam! I'm sorry that this has happened to you. You are very brave, and very mature to write about it. It is also very kind of you to want to share your experiences with other people.

A good thing is that you are still young, and have plenty of time to grow, to learn and to make changes in your life. It is true when they say that time heals!

I am in no way belittling what you have gone through. Nobody should have to put up with the treatment that you received from your "boyfriend". What he did was very cruel, and very insensitive. It was abusive! The simple facts are, that when a person says "no", they mean "no". This is the case, even if the person takes a while to say "no", or has to think about it for a bit, or seems uncertain. If the answer had truly been "yes", then it would have been a clear "yes". Nobody has the right to interpret a person's uncertainty or indecision as "yes"; in these circumstances, the safest interpretation is "no".

It takes all sorts of people to fill a world. Some are pleasant; some not. Some are kind, caring and respectful; some are not. As you grow up, you learn more about life, about situations, and about people. Sadly, you have learned at a young age that people can be hurtful, frightening and intimidating. They can be dishonest and hard to trust. They can manipulate you through your feelings, and "use" you to fulfil their own desires. The effects of what happened can take a long time to heal.

What your "boyfriend" did is now recognised as something called "date rape". More and more people are becoming aware that things like this DO happen. You are NOT to blame.

I have a "room" in OpenSpace on this site at Elaine's Room, where I have written about MY experiences. You might like to take a look at this room, to see if there is any information there that might help you.

Talking about what happened can help, as might Counselling. It might also be a good idea to tell someone you trust what went on. An understanding person will be able to reassure you that it was NOT your fault. You acted the way you did because you were scared, confused... It is WRONG for someone to have taken advantage of you in this way; and WRONG for someone to have tried to take advantage of your lack of maturity. I am NOT saying that you are immature, or babyish, but rather that (aged only 13) you were too young to defend yourself properly against a manipulative older guy. He should have known better!

I hope that life provides you with lots of healing opportunities to meet nice, kind, caring people, who respect and love you for who you are. Take care of yourself, and look for help. All the very best...

Jun 16, 2009
Thank you Sam
by: Trudie

Hi Sam,

Thank you for being brave enough to share your story with us on this site. Your story could help to raise awareness and help others to avoid the same sorts of situations. At 13 you are only young, which makes your bravery and courage in sharing with us all the more powerful.

The comments which others have made are true. Sadly some men say they love us so that they can manipulate us for their own ends. This is probably one of the oldest tricks in the book. However, many of us have fallen for it. Some men see women as weak and easily manipulated through our feelings. We can see these men for what they are - selfish and manipulative, because they are more interested in what they see as their own selfish needs, than in us and our best interests. True love is not about hurting the other person, taking advantage of their feelings and manipulating them for selfish reasons. The point has been made that no and maybe means no and not yes!

You should not feel guilty for falling for this trick, which many of us have, or for backing out once the police were involved. At least you did tell your mother and get her support. Could you go back and file another complaint perhaps, with a view to protecting others from this selfish manipulative abuser? He should not get away with what he did to you. The police should understand your feelings if you explain to them. You are not the first person who has backed out because of overwhelming feelings or fear. Explain to your mother and get her support.

It is good that you are sharing here. That in itself will raise awareness and help others.
Thank you Sam for your courage and bravery in sharing your story with us.

All the best to you and to your mother!

Jul 12, 2010
Im so sorry!!!
by: Amelia

Hey sweety, that must of been a horrible thing to go through and i must beware.. let me tell you why.

On June 18,2010, I started talking to this guy who I used to talk to 1 year ago but not this close of a relationship. Anyways the guy told me he loved me and 2 days after that i completely fell in love with him and the sweet words he used to say to me. Now, it was a long distance relationship and still is. He wanted to see me so bad so i sent him pictures of me. Then day after day he would talk about sex. Then one time i asked him which singer he thought was better and he picked this one middle eastern singer and said her because she does sex good. That time i got sort of mad and he told em he was joking so i believed him(i should'nt have believed him!) Then he still kept on talking about sex and he started sending me sex pictures(porn) and then he started asking for me to show my body from my top to my vagina. So i said no now he becomes so mad when i say no and doesn't talk to me until i say yes but i sent him a picture with a bra and underwear on so he couldn't see my parts. Then he accepted it but now he barely goes on until today he got on and told me he is really mad at me because i tell him no everytime he wants to see me, so i ended up sending him more pictures but i was covered. He is 21 and i am 12 and he is from the same country and place im from. He told his mom that he liked me she told him god bless your relationship. Then he told his sister(26) that he liked me and she told him as long that she likes u then thats good. But now i feel like im losing my trust in him because he gave me his password to his facebook and i checked it on there he has mostly girls and barely and guys except for like 10-15 and then the rest r girls he has forty friends. So on his wall this girl posted I love you and then on another girls profile she wrote im going to the beach and then he wrote to her have fun sweety im at work, i told him about that he said he doesn't know how to write english but sometimes he writes a little english to me. Then i check his facebook again and that girl is out of his friends list(the girl he wrote to have fun sweety im at work)! I am in love with this guy and he says he want me to get engaged to him when im 18. But i dont know whats going to happen!!! Oh and on his facebook he tried adding my dad and he doesn't even know my dads name!!! But good thing it is my dads old account he frogot his password to or else god knows what he would've done!

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