Psychological Incest

by Joy
(Undisclosed)

I need input. I've been dating a man for 2 1/2 years. His daughter is 27 (he's 58). His first wife, mother of daughter, left them when she was 12. Father raised her and brother three years younger. His second marriage was destroyed by her (I was told) but he blames second wife for wanting him to "divorce" his kids. I just left him because what I witness is "Dad's" failure to put boundaries around adult daughter. She was openly rude to me (I joined dad to a wake, but she refused to come into the funeral home because I was with him). I never said, did, etc., negative to her to deserve it. After he walked me into the funeral home, he went right outside to be with her. That is just one example and the entire family permits lack of boundaries around the adult daughter and always say "well, her mother abandoned the kids when she was 12.) I also left because he also never could "partner" -- i.e., make joint decisions when both of us were affected by the decision. Is this type of behavior, failure to act as a partner in a relationship, also a symptom of psychological incest? She also still calls him "Daddy" despite that she's 27? Also, she was dating a guy, found out he was married, flew down to the Caribbean to break up with married boyfriend. Then still dates him for another 2 years, breaks up and my boyfriend tells me that she "just learned" boyfriend was married. Father constantly lets his adult daughter be a "victim" in her relationships. Is that a symptom of psychological incest?

My old boyfriend's second marriage failure because of his adult daughter. She relished telling me all about what he would do to wife #2 behind her back -- while the father sits silently when the daughter tells me that. Despite that his second marriage fell apart because he has no balance between relationship with lovers/wife/significant others and his daughter.

I really need help because I actually feel like a victim in their very, very unusual father-daughter relationship. I left because it made me mentally ill because my boyfriend (whose 58 yrs old) kept telling me that their relationship is normal. She fails to show up for XMAS, or calls another XMAS morning and refuses to talk to me because I answered the phone -- the father, kicked me and my 4 year old son out Christmas Day because she called and I answered the phone.

Reply from Darlene: Joy, I moved your comments to this Ask Darlene page because the individual comments pages are reserved for replies that are directed to the person who wrote the original article, story or commentary. It would be disrespectful to that contributor to deal with issues outside of the premise of their contribution. I'm sure you understand.

Joy, I've dedicated this site to child abuse issues, and as such, I do not offer relationship advice, nor am I a psychologist. I suggest you seek out the services of a relationship counsellor in order to help you deal with the emotions you have regarding the father-daughter dynamics in this family.

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