Pressuring a child to excel in class by hitting/whipping

by Elisa
(Belize)

My child was transferred from a low educational school to an advanced school. My husband wants my son to read and write perfect, spell good, and he never did do that at the other school.

Every night when my son is doing homework, my child gets a whip or two. I have to be there beside him so his father don't hurt him, my son. He is only six, and skinny. I love my son, and I feel sad because I feel he get scared of his father and nervous that he can't talk nor express his self. My husband grew up with his grandmother, never had a mom nor dad, and was abused all his life. Now he wants perfection from his child. I am pregnant and am waiting for a new member to come, but I am afraid he gets the same treatment. We get complains from the teacher that my son doesn't pay attention in class, plays a lot and doesn't listen. What can we do? Does this have to be, with the hitting and so on? Please respond. What can I do to help?

Elisa

Reply from Darlene: Elisa, there is no such thing as perfection. To expect perfection from a child is to emotionally abuse him. Whipping a child to excel in school is the absolute wrong thing to do. Your son is 6 years old; whipping him every day is not only physically and emotionally abusive, it's teaching him all the wrong lessons.

Your husband his teaching him that he's bigger and stronger and angrier, and that he can and WILL hurt him.

He's teaching him that size is might.

He's teaching him that he (your son) is not good enough.

He's teaching him that he's "bad."

He's teaching him that the only way to please his father is to do well in school and that nothing else about him (your son) matters.

He's teaching him to be angry and hostile and fearful and resentful.

He's teaching him to lie in order to avoid painful punishment.

He's teaching him that love equals pain.

He's teaching him that violence is an acceptable to way to handle situations (your son will likely start to become violent himself; he'll learn that lesson very well, if he hasn't already).

Elisa, your son is learning that as his mother, you are either powerless to protect him or refuse to protect him. He doesn't understand why you are standing by. He doesn't understand that you are there to stop your husband from seriously hurting him. He only understands that you do not stop the whippings. If he doesn't already, your son will eventually come to believe that men have all the power, and that women have no power, that women are weak, that women are not to be respected. Are those the lessons you and your husband really want to teach your son?

And consider the fact that if your son is being whipped every night, it obviously isn't doing what it is intended to do. If whipping him was working, does it not make sense that it wouldn't be necessary EVERY night. Your husband is abusing his son every bit as much as he himself was abused; and by not stopping it, you are enabling and accepting the abuse. And yes, your unborn child is in danger of the same treatment. While I believe your husband's motives are in the right place, his methods are not. These whippings must stop.

Elisa, your son may have a learning disability... The remainder of my reply to this Ask Darlene question "Pressuring a child to excel in class by hitting/whipping" can be found below.

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