Parental Expectations, Stereotyping and Abuse

by Elaine Riley
(Lancashire, UK)

Having a child is meant to be a momentous experience. The desire, and need, to reproduce is enshrined as a societal "norm", a "given"... that is what couples do!

How many times have we been confronted with the image of the expectant mother, blooming and glowing in pregnancy, who can't wait to give birth to her longed-for child? What about those lovely couples, with their perfect 2.4? Their "little darlings"? How many of us know that eager mother at the school gate, desperate to show us her "baby photos"; or the workplace colleague, desk crammed full of photos of the kids; or the newlyweds who do little other than talk about their plans to start a family?

O.K.! So maybe I'm exaggerating, just a little! But then, stop and think a moment... We are bombarded daily with images of the "ideal family". We all know it... "media land" is chock full of references to that old stereotype, the nuclear family (mummy, daddy and their two lovely kiddies, one girl, one boy). And it doesn't stop there...

Since the advent of the media (for this, read magazines, advertisements, T.V., and newspapers), the stereotyping of societal roles has been heavily reinforced. Just look at the images of babies on T.V. Are they ever soiling a nappy? How often are they vomiting, having "wind", crying, teething? Not very pleasant, I admit... but babies DO these things! No, the T.V. baby is a gurgling, grinning, blonde, chubby and cherubic little creature. Oh, and T.V. children don't break household ornaments, get in trouble at school, fall over and dirty their clothes, fight... unless you're talking about the children featured in melodramatic "soap operas", who do these constantly!

Society has, for thousands of years, defined expectations of the male and female role. This is relayed via the socialization process. Psychologist G.C. Davenport states "by the age of one year or so, gender roles are already being learned" (An Introduction To Child Development, p. 283). The boy child wears blue, plays with cars and building blocks, is good at maths and sciences! The girl child wears pink, plays with dolls, and is best at English Literature! Girls are gentle and placid, they cry when upset; boys are energetic and feisty, they should "stand up for themselves"! The male child aspires to being a footballer, mechanic, astronaut, or lawyer; the female dreams of being a ballerina, a fashion model, a wife and mother...

Frighteningly, we are all more than aware of these stereotypes, and do little to challenge them on a regular basis. Sadly, many of these stereotypical notions are subconsciously, or even consciously, incorporated into our expectations of the parenting experience. This incorporation may well have a significant influence upon parents' propensity to abuse.

Sigmund Freud described a process during the socialization of the child called "identification", where the child is seen to take on the attitudes and ideas of the parents, mirroring the parents' beliefs and personality traits. Research has suggested that parents eventually may come to value a child higher, if that child is seen as "good"; this basically translates as a child who closely agrees with the parents' beliefs and behaviour. The rebellious, or independent child - who does not conform - is labelled as "bad". Parents use "reinforcing" behaviours such as rewards and punishment in order to shape a child's behaviour into that which they consider "good".

Child abuse may be considered to be symptomatic of family dysfunction. This might be of a significant, and obvious nature - divorce, bereavement, parental unemployment, illness, substance misuse, parental mental instability... However, it may also be of a more insidious, and difficult-to-spot, nature. How does the parent react to the child who does not fulfill their expectations? Surely the excessive imposition of one's expectations upon a child, to the exclusion of the child's own interests and personality development, is tantamount to abuse?

Many stories of abuse on this website feature "favouritism", or "scapegoating" behaviours, where siblings are not treated equally. All children make interpretations of their parents' behavior. All children require a safe, caring and loving environment, where they are encouraged to learn and explore. Yet the child who is regarded as least likely to meet the parents' expectations may also be least likely to receive this kind of support.

At this juncture, I hasten to add that all of this is merely my supposition, my hypothesis... But I add the following... Much research has been conducted in order to establish the nature of "personality" and of "individuality". In sum, this would indicate that some personality traits are innate (we are born with them), and some shaped by our environment. Therefore, different children, in the same family, can have different temperaments. And parents cannot "force" a personality onto the child. Abuse may occur where "abnormal traits in children bring on negative responses from parents" (J. Paris; BPD, A Multidimensional Approach, p. 96). To me, normal is not easy to define, but here, "abnormal" can be translated as anything which does not fit with the parents' expectations. Hence, a "tomboyish" daughter may be singled out for abuse. The boy who questions his Catholic parents' religious beliefs may be abused. Parents may find a highly active child a "handful", and "punish" this behaviour...

Is it too unrealistic to ask that we live, and let live? We cannot make another individual what we desire. We cannot mould our husbands, friends, wives, relatives... so why our children? Food for thought...