My Reactions to Abuse
by Hayley
(Birmingham, England)
When I was in high school, I got in with a bad group of kids and was too much of a coward to walk away when they were bullying. I knew that my persistent refusals to join in would be met with more nagging to do the ring leader's dirty work. That same ring leader even bullied me, but I was too scared to say anything to anyone. I knew that what I was doing was wrong and I felt terrible about it. If I could get to see those kids that I tormented and apologise, I would, not that it would make any difference.
I was dragged into subservience by the troubles at home, and even though I wanted to maintain some control over whether or not I bullied, I was robbed of that as well. It was years before I could have any self respect. I actually felt terrible for those kids, the one lad in particular, as there was nothing wrong with him. All I wanted was a normal childhood, without the abuse at home, and without the wrong way of gaining power. I have it now, as a part of my job in a hospital on a cancer unit. I admonish patients older than myself for worrying over things that they can't help, like messing themselves, feeling nauseous or being in pain. Because of years of being put down, if a patient speaks ill of themselves, I tell them off. The slightest thing they do well, I praise them if they have struggled to do even that. If they don't do as well at something as I know they can, I just tell them to forget about it, tough it's gone, they'll do great the next time. It leaves the patient feeling more positive, and I feel a whole lot better as well.
I managed to persevere with a member of staff that none of us liked, and now we get on great - I knew she was really nice, despite the way she treated us. That faith in her has been rewarded. She may be a tad abrupt, but she is a truly nice person.
I couldn't control what happened when I was a kid and a teenager because I wasn't anywhere near as assertive as I needed to be. I can now, and I love my job.
My colleagues are instrumental in me getting over workplace bullying that I suffered for a long period of time. As a result, my confidence is improving a lot and I am feeling some sort of self worth at last, knowing that I am beating the abuse I suffered for many years, and how it made me react.
What was happening to me at home is no excuse for what I did to that poor kid in high school, and I don't plan to use it as such. I just hope that if I were to meet him he would accept my apologies and that he hasn't been left feeling terrible about his school days.
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