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My girlfriend was sexually abused as a kid; what do I do?

by A boyfriend
(Location Undisclosed)

I've just found out my girlfriend was sexually abused when she was a kid by her neighbor. When she told me, she sounded real calm and told me she's doing alright now. I would like to know as a boyfriend what should I do? Apparently, nobody knows about this.

Thank you.

Note from Darlene: My answer to this Ask Darlene question "My girlfriend was sexually abused as a kid; what do I do?" can be found below.

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My girlfriend was sexually abused as a kid; what do I do?

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Mar 31, 2008
 Be a support for her...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I recognize that it must have been very difficult for you to hear what your girlfriend disclosed. The fact that she disclosed to you at all shows that she trusts you implicitly; you should be proud of that.

You did not identify your girlfriend's age or where you live. If you were in Canada, and you either knew or suspected that child abuse was still going on AND your girlfriend was still a minor, you would be legally obligated to report the disclosure. If your girlfriend is an adult, mandatory reporting does not apply. Your girlfriend disclosed what is termed "historical child abuse." She has a right to keep this to herself. If she decides at some future point that she wants to pursue this legally, she may be governed by state-wide or country-wide statute of limitations laws.

You can't fix this for her, but you can be a support for her. I recommend you read the child abuse intervention page on this site—in particular, the H.E.A.R.S. procedure—for more details of how to deal with your girlfriend's disclosure.

She says she's all right now, but you may notice signs that she isn't: nightmares, eating disorders, anxiety disorders, etc. If she does exhibit effects that you believe are a result of being sexually abused, you could (heavy emphasis on could) very gently suggest counselling; but if you do, don't be the least bit judgmental. Whatever your girlfriend decides to do or not do, be understanding and patient. And don't forget to take care of yourself during this difficult time. Talk to someone you trust in order to help you deal with this.

I wish you and your girlfriend all the best.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Apr 02, 2008
 tired of falling
by: charles

Be supportive and do not treat her any differant than you have. She may be secretly emotionaly vulnerable and insecure. Inquire in detail of what help she has sought and be inquisitiive of her emotional state of mind.
Apr 06, 2008
 give her respect
by: Anonymous

just treat her with respect and kindness. You have to be good to her because she might not like to open up to people so easly. Give her time and then when she is ready she will open up to you. Also you'll find out things about her that will want to make you respect her more.
Aug 21, 2008
 Please
by: Mrs. Joan McCoy

Offer her lots of love and support. I am 20 and got out of my abusive homelife at 18. My education was very much neglected as well as my health. I was sexually/verbally/mentally/emotionally abused by my own mother throughout my entire life. I was barely allowed out of the home and was not allowed to talk to most people throughout my life. The worst thing anyone can do is tell the person who has been abused that they made it up. I have experienced that because a lot of people have said why would a mother do that ? It is painful and only discourages the one who has been abused to open up to anyone else or even get help. It took me a while before I could open up about things out of fear of betraying her. She would tell me over and over if I did I was being a bad daughter, among other things. Be a listening ear. That is very helpful.

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