My girlfriend was sexually abused as a kid; what do I do?

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My girlfriend was sexually abused as a kid; what do I do?

by A boyfriend
(Location Undisclosed)

I've just found out my girlfriend was sexually abused when she was a kid by her neighbor. When she told me, she sounded real calm and told me she's doing alright now. I would like to know as a boyfriend what should I do? Apparently, nobody knows about this.

Thank you.

Note from Darlene: My answer to this Ask Darlene question "My girlfriend was sexually abused as a kid; what do I do?" can be found below.

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My girlfriend was sexually abused as a kid; what do I do?

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Mar 31, 2008

Be a support for her...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I recognize that it must have been very difficult for you to hear what your girlfriend disclosed. The fact that she disclosed to you at all shows that she trusts you implicitly; you should be proud of that.

You did not identify your girlfriend's age or where you live. If you were in Canada, and you either knew or suspected that child abuse was still going on AND your girlfriend was still a minor, you would be legally obligated to report the disclosure. If your girlfriend is an adult, mandatory reporting does not apply. Your girlfriend disclosed what is termed "historical child abuse." She has a right to keep this to herself. If she decides at some future point that she wants to pursue this legally, she may be governed by state-wide or country-wide statute of limitations laws.

You can't fix this for her, but you can be a support for her. I recommend you read the child abuse intervention page on this site—in particular, the H.E.A.R.S. procedure—for more details of how to deal with your girlfriend's disclosure.

She says she's all right now, but you may notice signs that she isn't: nightmares, eating disorders, anxiety disorders, etc. If she does exhibit effects that you believe are a result of being sexually abused, you could (heavy emphasis on could) very gently suggest counselling; but if you do, don't be the least bit judgmental. Whatever your girlfriend decides to do or not do, be understanding and patient. And don't forget to take care of yourself during this difficult time. Talk to someone you trust in order to help you deal with this.

I wish you and your girlfriend all the best.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Apr 02, 2008

tired of falling
by: charles

Be supportive and do not treat her any differant than you have. She may be secretly emotionaly vulnerable and insecure. Inquire in detail of what help she has sought and be inquisitiive of her emotional state of mind.

Apr 06, 2008

give her respect
by: Anonymous

just treat her with respect and kindness. You have to be good to her because she might not like to open up to people so easly. Give her time and then when she is ready she will open up to you. Also you'll find out things about her that will want to make you respect her more.

Aug 21, 2008

Please
by: Mrs. Joan McCoy

Offer her lots of love and support. I am 20 and got out of my abusive homelife at 18. My education was very much neglected as well as my health. I was sexually/verbally/mentally/emotionally abused by my own mother throughout my entire life. I was barely allowed out of the home and was not allowed to talk to most people throughout my life. The worst thing anyone can do is tell the person who has been abused that they made it up. I have experienced that because a lot of people have said why would a mother do that ? It is painful and only discourages the one who has been abused to open up to anyone else or even get help. It took me a while before I could open up about things out of fear of betraying her. She would tell me over and over if I did I was being a bad daughter, among other things. Be a listening ear. That is very helpful.

Mar 10, 2009

treat her normal.
by: Carlee Crossingham

Treat her the same as any other normal person, the worst thing you can do is treat her different and have her feel like she IS different (a freak)

She says she's okay, so if her behavior is relitively normal then I don't think you should suggest counsiling unless she shows signs of post traumatic stress, anxiety disorders ect.

I hope this helps.

Jun 02, 2009

Listen
by: Anonymous

I was abused as a child and told my boyfriend, he helped a lot. If you can, learn tell tale signs that somethings bothering her. If you notice it, wait until your alone with her and ask her if she wants to talk.

Jun 09, 2009

IF YOU FEEL STRONG REPORT IT TO THE POLICE
by: Anonymous

i was sexually abused by my brother i think i was 11. I stuggled with self belive, thinking i was unlovable. I would not say i was permissuious when i became a teenager, but i could not belive that i was good in relationships. I had a lovely boyfriend when i was 19 but i finnished with him after 10 months as i became scared of how close i felt for him. H e knew about the abuse and was and probably still is the kindest most sensetive person i knew. When i was 23 i feel into a relationship wich was very controlling and at times physically abusive, but i thought i deserved this. 15 years later and 3 children i ended the relationship, i dont know why it took that long i was scared i think and had no self believe. However i am in a loving relationship now
this man is so trust worthy i can talk to anybody
without being called names or pushed around. I can still get insecure and on occasions have dreams. But as a very lovely lady told me what happened to me happened as a child and i could not stop it as he was a grown up. I do not see my abuser and i have also told my mum which was the hardest thing i have ever had to do,but she understood.I would encourage anyboby who has been abused not to sweep it to the back of your mind but get it out into the open and tell the police. I think by doing this now matter how painfull it prevents others having to go through the same. I also think i am a stronger person for sharing it with others.

Jul 05, 2009

my girl friend was abused and raped as a child too
by: Anonymous

yesterday i made out with my girlfriend for the first time after i played her a song i rote for her. she told me after we kissed that she was raped as a child and now i dont know what to say or think. i dont think she told me how old she was but she only said that the guy never stoped and it was a boy only just older than her maybe by 2, 3 years. i sat next to her wondering of how this happend and now i feel like i want to rip those guys balls off and make him eat them without a choice(sorry if im a little descriptive) but the thing is it dosent feel the same no more. she seemed so much more quiet that day and it was like she wished she ever told me.
i called her that night to hopefully talk to her bout it, butj she said she wanted to talk through the computer. i sat down and i spoke to her and she said she just had a head ake and was tired, i which case i felt she saod that as an exuse to not tell me. she then told me that she needed some time to think and about everything and she needed time away from eachother. i agreed to allow that to happen coz i love her but now i dont know what to do, i dont know if she broke up with me, or anything. i tiold her that i am there for her when ever she needed me and she could tell me anything. i think she said that she has only told one person. im scared for her. and now i dont know what to do and i dont know how to how to confort her. im 16 and so is she and now i need help on what i can do for her, did she leave me, or does she need time to reflect i dont know can someone help me 2 im in the same situation.
please

From Darlene: You're a very caring and loving person, Anonymous. You've done all you can. She needs time to process her disclosure. She knows you're there for her. The rest is up to her. She has to be the one to take the next step, as understandably difficult as that may be for you.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Jul 27, 2009

Leave
by: Adam

My ex-girlfriend was also a victim of sexual abuse as a child, perpetrated by her mother's boyfriend. Just prior to our dating relationship, she was involved in a "friends with benefits" type of relationship with a classmate who was a campus drug dealer, he was also sexually molested as a child. She disclosed all of this to me two months into the relationship.

I had a real, sincere affection for my ex, which became entangled with all sort of mixed emotions once I found out. I pitied her, and I questioned the nature of my attraction to her. Was the attraction a sort of "rescue fantasy"? Was I trying to fix her? Subconsciously, was it predatory? Making out with her was very difficult. She almost always instigated it, and I was the one who had to stop before it escalated to the point of sex. Given her past, I didn't want to have sex with her. Even making out filled me with guilt. I was caught up in this vortex of emotion - guilt, pity, lust...I felt like sex would be taking advantage of her.

In addition, I felt like we had no real connection to each other, other than the physical. It seemed like all her past relationships were like this.

Also, she would tell me things that were alarming, that really scared me off. She would tell me that she liked me in comparison to her past boyfriends. That I wasn't aggressive or forceful. Comparatively, her past boyfriends would command her to take off her clothes.

I wanted to be helpful, and supportive, but I didn't know how. Eventually, our relationship ended without much resolution to these underlying problems. It could never progress beyond the physical, it could never mature.

If your relationship is anything like mine, I suggest you that you preempt or pretermit anything before you find yourself enmeshed in it. I know you want to help her, but to be honest, I think there's very little you can do.

Jul 27, 2009

My girlfriend was abused a few months ago
by: boyfriend

My situation is similar to the one that was posted on July 5. I am 16, have been going out with my girlfriend who is 15 (we are 11 months apart) for a few weeks. I think it?s a week ago today, when we were on the phone I told her I wanted to know everything about her. Her mom asked her if she had her hearing aid and my girlfriend seemed annoyed, when her mom gave me ride home, she told me that she wears a hearing aid and she feels stigma. She also told me many other complications along with her scoliosis form being born premature. Getting to what I was saying before, on the phone she said this would blow my mind. She said she was at her boyfriend's house for a sleep over because her boyfriend?s sister was also a best or really good friend. Her boyfriend?s father who is also her friend?s dad said that she will sleep on the couch. I thought I knew where this was going but I wasn't listening except for the part where she said she "had no backbone". I wasn't listening and she said she was molested. I asked her what she said and repeated it even though the first time something inside of me heard what she said. She said this is why she moved. Since then I feel that I have been acting or treating her differently. I told her she was a girlfriend and that I care about her. I told her she was beautiful and I before I kept telling her to wear her hearing aid because she thought me or other would judge her. An affectionate day at the beach leads me to network the next day for her grandma?s birthday. I hardly talked to her that much and she felt tired and a little sick. I have been really emotional thinking of how this could happen. She has gone through so much and I kept asking why anyone would do this. I sent her a bunch of messages and she said that she wanted to do other things and her friends were going through a tough time. I have been emotional for two weeks because I don?t know what to do. I felt hatred towards the thing that did that to her. She has had such a tough life already especially after a divorce and a careless father. Im giving her space and everyday I say I will call but I don?t. I want to help her and be there for her but it seems that she is pushing me away. I know that at this point it?s not just the abuse part but what can I do to help and make this relationship work. I will not move on without her. I will not, and haven't considered it an option. I miss her but don?t know who?s to blame for this. Me or the things she?s gone through. I know this message is so long but I don?t know what to do. i need to bet here for her rather than crying around the house for a week. I need this more than anything else in the world because I've never been more affectionate with anyuone else and i need her in my life. Thank You

Aug 25, 2009

My Ex-girlfiend was sexually abuse as a child, and I'm scared for her.
by: J.A.R.

I was dating a girl who I loved very much about a year ago, and she revealed to me that she was molested as a child. She is 21 now, and it happened to her when she was about 9 years old. This is all I know about what happened. And I think I am the only person who knows. I tried to get her to talk about it, but I eventually gave up because I was afraid I wasn't qualified. She said she didn't like to think about it. It made me really sad when she would say things like, "I grew up too fast", or "some people just aren't normal." I did let her know that I will always be here for her no matter what.

She moved away with her family not long after she told me about this. Since then we have grown apart but still try to maintain a friendship. She has moved on, and I really care about her a lot.

I am really worried about her because she has been sleeping with many men since our relationship ended. She says she doesn't want a relationship, she just wants to 'have fun'. But things have also been gradually getting worse. Just this weekend, she drove drunk to a hotel to have sex with a guy she met at a gas station earlier that day. Her actions are really making me worried. I'm afraid drugs are the next step for her. There is some family history of drug abuse. She can also be a very depressed person, and she has told me that she doesn't love herself. I have read a little about women who were sexually abused as children, and I see a lot of her in those stories. I really think she needs to get help.

I have been trying to talk to her about her actions, but she just gets really mad at me. Yesterday she told me she hated me. I don't know if I will ever talk to her again. I don't know what to do. I don't want her to continue down this path. I feel helpless because she lives halfway across the country. I want to help her get help to deal with her past. What should I do?

Sep 17, 2009

Hope is in The Lord
by: Anonymous

I was raped by two men when I was 15. The behaviors of your friend were similar to mine.
Sleeping around, basically doing anything to ignore or numb the pain inside. I also called it "having fun". Im not sure if you believe in God or have faith in Him. But in my experience He loved me until I felt like I was worth love and that changed everything.I asked The Lord to show me who He was if He really cared about me and He did. I think you should also be patient because she seems to have alot to work through. It took me years to first admit that something was wrong and second to face it. I am 26 now and I have been celibate for 2 years and Im drug free! Joy comes in the morning. Just dont give up on her. You may be her only security right now whether she admits it or not.

Dec 21, 2009

trying to help
by: tara

I've been sexually abused by my father.
it may be very hard for her to talk about it because she doesnt want to revisit that awful past.

Jan 11, 2010

incest
by: Anonymous

My current girlfriend was sexualled abused by her cousin. She is reluctant to tell anyone besides a close girlfriend of hers and myself as she believes it will destroy the family beyond repair. She is scared, low self esteemed and hates herself. She always asks if she is worth my love and I always tell her yes OR when we fight about it she would cry and say shes not a normal girl OR that she is wrecked AND not special anymore. She is so scared of losing me and always thinks I deserve or can get someone better. The pain of knowing what happened has devestated me, and will continue to haunt me throughout our life; I just cant bare the thought of someone else touching her in such inappropriate ways. Sometimes even I dont know how to face it; but I must keep strong in order to protect her.

It has really affected me, whenever I know she is depressed over her past I have pretty much given up my time with everyone else to be with her so that she can feel loved and stand up again. However, her constant emotional problems does to some point tire me out. I know I will continue to be there for her but it is just tiring and upsetting for myself as well. I have developed issues of trusting her being able to protect herself when I am not around.

I detest the thought of seeing her perpetrator cousin and when I do see him at family parties I have to put up a smile when in fact I want to punish him. He deserves to take up responsibility of his actions. I hate him, not only did he traumatised her, the consequences have also affected me. The sort of life he leads at the moment continues to be pathetic, money off the government, studying at an alternative to college/university because he never made it, refusal to find a job and drinking his life away. He is pathetic, bloody pathetic and will continue to be pathetic.

Why has society produced such low-lives likes him? They all deserve to be prosectued by law rather than been given a second chance to carry out their pathetic lives. I wish I had the power to punish him... I really wish i did.

Note: Im 20 and my girlfriend is 19.

Feb 01, 2010

What i would do
by: Sophia

You seem like an honest to God great guy who wants to be there for his companion, i myself was sexually abused when i was a child by a family member & still to this day am trying to cope with the fact. Just simply remind her & let her know that you are going to be there for her & help her get through it any way you can. You've probably already have told her that but believe me the reassurance helps. Sometimes talking about what exactly happened at that time helps. That part may sound crazy & hurtful but it does indeed help. Hope i helped.

Feb 07, 2010

abuse is not easy.
by: bend-1297a

What can I said,abuse of any kind at any age is not easy and yes it does bring out low mood and self esteme. People start wonderfing are they worth such or are they able to love. I see it in myself and see at other times, it does get easier. Yet you've got to have a strong support network behind you from such.

It can take lots of work time and patience for some people, also some people will be afraid or scared yet its hard to know how to help. Some will have a lot of trust issues etc and it's not easy.

Feb 08, 2010

Vindictive, Powerless and Amorous
by: Anonymous

My story might not be so sorrowful as the ones before me, but I could really use some advice.
My younger sisters best friend told me that she was abused as a child. She told me a few days ago. I know her ever since she first came to our house years ago. She really is a cheerful, lovely and kind person. But she talked so calm about it.

I don't believe she wanted to tell me, but it just came out. I didn't asked any further and didn't treated her differently because I saw it would hurt her if I did. later that evening, I asked my sister for confirmation and she sadly said that it was true. She told me that her friend was taken away as a child and was found back a few days later. Until this day, they don?t know who did it. And I could only imagine what I would do if I ever met that person. I would take his live without any tear. But I can't.

Sorry for my inappropriate expression, but such terrible people don?t deserve to live in the same world as such a sweet girl.

The reason why this upsets me so much is that I have feelings for this girl. I'm now a college student and living on the other side of the country, and every day I stare out the window of my classroom to the station, wondering if I should take the train back home to be with her. And I hate myself for not always being there to protect her from any harm. But after reading these stories, I assume it is the best to be supportive and wait until she decides to talk. But she doesn?t want to talk about those things and I'm not the kind of person who sits back when someone deserves a better life. I once believed that I could solve every problem with a smile, but this is far beyond what I can do. I now notice that she struggles with related things and I just want to take her nightmares away...
Please help me helping her

Feb 08, 2010

Abuse
by: bend-1297a

What can I say, some people can't fully talk about abuse till they trust someone enough. That was part of my past, I had to find that person to trust enough to say ok yes this is what happened and it took a good friend to help me no longer feel as hard about it. It's not easy and it's something that can take work and time. Some people say abuse then lock up because they are not ready to talk and it's about letting them heal in their own time. You are doing the best you can by being there to support the person.

Feb 09, 2010

We have an advocate
by: Anonymous

As hard as it is to go through abuse, sometimes I myself wonder how hard it must be for someone who loves you to watch you go through it not know what to do to help you. Ive written a comment on this page before about how I was raped by two men at the age of 15. I read the different stories on this page and I sympathize greatly understanding the difficulty. I think its easy to not feel like youre doing close to enough to help someone you love that you know is hurting, especially if you feel like they are trying to "hide whats wrong" or act like its not affecting them instead of face it head on.
Ive learned that people go through "the process" of healing over a period of years. Ive learned that the MOST and the BEST thing you can do for someone is to pray earnestly for them. I, personally found my worth again when I began seeking it in Jesus Christ. I realized that being raped made me feel like "I lost" something that I could never regain....but I looked for what "I lost" everywhere not wanting to face that it was gone. This empty search left me not only emptier but more abused than when I started.
When I finally realized that Jesus is my Saviour and He sacrificed Himself that I may be restored from the pain, hurt, and let-downs of this world, Ive never looked back. Though at first I ran from the love of Jesus because my definition of love was so twisted I didnt know how not to be scared of something so completely new to me, Jesus didnt give up on me.
Facing what happened to me was not easy in the least but I knowing I wasnt alone made all the difference. My Jesus showed me all the lies that I believed as a result of what happened. For the first time for as long as I could remember, I UNDERSTOOD MY WORTH! I understood that I am the apple of my Saviour's eyes! I understood that I am who God says I am! I am not defined by the worst thing that happened to me! Love lifted me and higher and higher until one day recognized that I was becoming whole. I will love Jesus forever for not giving up on me when I gave up on myself. At first I didnt even believe that He was for real. Until I realized that He wasnt going to stop chasing and reaching for me until I DECIDED to stop running from Him. And as mad as I thought He would be at me for running away, Jesus was not upset. He just wanted to love me. Im happy I know for myself who Jesus is and what He is like. Now instead of focusing on what I lack, I much rather focus on what Jesus is to me. He is my healer and my strength!

Feb 18, 2010

Reponse to J.A.R
by: Anonymous

Your story sounds very much like my own. Prayer, faith and hope are what she needs. I had people tell me similar things and it didn't stop me. I did do drugs and a number of abusive things to myself. Now that I look back at what pulled me out, it wasn't my own strenth or will or understanding..only the Lord could have saved me from what I was in. Sexual abuse can be like a hidden wound at first, not always visible but it is also an assault of the spirit. She may not be capable of helping herself but you can be a friend who intercedes for her in prayer. Ask the Lord to guard her and use what was meant for harm as good. Even if you don't believe...prayer never hurts. Sometimes giving something this complex into bigger hands helps us see it better. Besides, if He made her, He can reach her. I hope she wakes up, people who care like you are priceless..keep being a good friend.

Feb 27, 2010

Best to leave her alone.
by: Anonymous

This willcreate too much emotional baggage for you to manage. That type of abuse will transfer to anyone or any situation which appears to be the same. MNost end up with too much to live with on their own including poor me about everything about themselves.
My suggestion is to leave her alone then find someone that is whole and stable. You dont need the emotional baggage you need support and teamwork in a family unit to succeed in a long term realtionship.
Go on about your way an save yourself the pain.
-- Person who married then divorced the same issue. Tons of poor self esteem and always needing praise then wants to be intimate then make me pay for it emotionally in abuse.
the child support for my house and everythign i owned really sucked too.
Find someone more normal and complete with goals career options with a well planned
future.

Mar 30, 2010

a victim
by: Anonymous

i was "sexually abused" at eight by a guy of sixteen......the problem here is that even though i begged him not to do it,he went on insisting and i complied with him finally......so i still dont know whether it is abuse or willing sex on my part.....i have always lived with the guilt and told nobody....used to think about ways to suicide from then on......never thought i would get married.....thought i would get pregnant suddenly someday like in the movies......i was smart and studious at school and maybe even popular......but i felt like i had two faces.....one that everyone saw and one dark one which only i and that guy knows...but ironically it again happened to me when my religion teacher who used to come home to teach me came onto me when i was alone and tried doing things with me.....i pushed him away and ran out of my own house to call my kid brother who was playing outside and acted normally with my teacher till he went away(he had come visiting since our family thought quite well of him).......that #&*)#$@ came visiting once more and i had to grin and bear it in front of my mother.....sometime around that age i started masturbating too......so everything contributed to me feeling like a bit of a double faced slut.....thinking that it all happened cos i deserved it.....i never had close friends though i was popular at school....so i could never talk about it....sometimes i think i matured before my age.....but i was still naive and vulnerable......

May 20, 2010

my ex was sexually abused
by: Anonymous

All you can do is try to be there for her. I was recently with a girl who went through sexual abuse as a child. She would always tell me how good of a boyfriend I was, how I treated her the best out of all of them and then suddenly after a few months when love was growing, she shut off. During the shut off time she told me she was confused and then confessed to me that maybe she was confused about things because she was sexually abused by her father as a child. She also mentioned she never even told her own mother about it. I tried my best to be there for her, love her and be patient...even when she got distant. Though as time went by she started getting more distant and eventually broke it off with me because she needed time to herself and mentioned she didnt love/believe in herself. I begged to help her and told her she could trust me but she didnt want any help. Best of luck to you man. Hopefully she loves you enuff to not leave you and let her help you

May 24, 2010

it was hard for her
by: tortor

i am just a teen girl , but i can not even imagine to tell anyone what has happened to me . your girlfriend is strong and it is absolutely wonderful that she told you , and you coming on this site and sharing shows that you are a great boyfriend. i think that you should listen and not judge as i am sure you wouldn't. the next step is to show her you would never harm her . if she is anything like me she has a fear deep down that you will do the same thing. be there .

Jun 05, 2010

my boyfriend and I
by: Anonymous

I was sexually abused alot even had an abortion because of it. the sad part is that i have been having nightmares of my past and i am 46 years old. my boyfriend and i live together an he is having a hard time with me because he doesn't understand my behavior. I am drinking to hide my pain as I am going through therapy. His anger only intensifies my scare an makes me drink. I feel I should go to a hospital that offers co-occurence treatment. The bottom line how do I help my boyfriend.

Jun 05, 2010

Knowledge is power
by: Anonymous

It would be to you and your boyfriend's benefit if he educated himself about sexual abuse and rape (and perhaps you as well). Maybe its something you guys could do together to better understand what is going on with you. My life changed personally from reading a pamphlet on the effects of sexual abuse. It was at that point that I realized that my whole personality was one huge defense mechanism and I didnt know who I was meant to be in Jesus Christ. Which led me to seek Jesus seriously for the first time in my life. My life since has never been the same! The nightmares have finally stopped, the way I see myself and the world is changing more and more each day... He has filled me with soo much love that I was even able to forgive my rapists, which was a turning point in my healing process because they no longer controlled my future. I hope this is helpful for you. Kudos to your boyfriend for sticking by you despite not understanding, but his anger seems innapropriate to me. His understanding that you were violated in the worst way and what that actually does to you as a person should calm him down. Your healing process is not something you can just skip and be ok for him or even yourself. Maybe his frustration comes from not knowing how to help...

Jun 26, 2010

I have the same problem
by: Anonymous123

I met this girl 2 month ago. I like her a lot and got her phone number. After one week of seeing each other we got to be together. Everything went fine for one week. One night she told me directly that she wants us to be just friends and left away. I was puzzled. I told her all the feelings I have for her and she told me that she fills safe with me but that she is in the same time afraid of me. I could not understand but after a couple of days she told me that she has been abused as a child and she can not have relations with man (but she has not been with any woman). I don't know what to do as she started to reject me. I really care for her and I think she cares for me but she got to the point I , being a man, have become a problem for her.
Thank you for any help.

Aug 10, 2010

my ex fiancee was abused sexually and wen she was in her teens
by: Anonymous

My ex and I started our relationship about 2 years and immediately she told me how she was sexually abused,also she let me know how she was raped.I think for her to have told me ment she needed me to be part of her healing process.Now for that singular truthful gesture i loved her more.She also made me to know that she was a lesbian and i made her realize the implication of indulging in lesbianism.I have been very supportive to her emotionally but she has alwaz had this fear of been committed in a relationship,i proposed to her and after so much confusion and a little talk with her friend she agreed.Shes a nice lady but i think her emotions keep going off and on for me until she finally said i should hold the marraige plans.which means she was breaking up with me.But i later found out that she started dating someone else.I still love her and would like to help her as i know her past is still haunting her.what can i do as we just broke up 2 months now,i still call her to know how she is and she does sometimes. i remember her telling me she feels like killing herself,and that am such a nice person and dont deserve her.One good news is she has pulled out from lesbianism since we started dating cos i some how discouraged it.what must i do to get back into her life and help cos i love her so much,i know new guy is just a rebound.

Oct 20, 2010

She is normal except....
by: Frankie

Is there really a fix for this? There is this girl I really like. We had known each other for 3 months. I decided to raise it up a notch so I asked her that I would like to have a relationship with her. Things started to explode! All of a sudden now she says she is never ever going to be in any relationship, that she is fine without one. If she "click" with someone physically she will have sex with him but that is all. She also doesn't think she is pretty and have "body problems". At first I didn't understand because she is only 19 so what would have made her decide never ever to have a relationship? She then revealed to me that she and her sister were sexually abused when they were younger (15). Now she hates men and think that men only want to control and to have sex women. She is quite an intelligent lady otherwise, we have normal conversation in other aspects. She was molested by her older brother 2x when he was 21. Then he had a friend who molested her once. She told her mom recently but she just brushed off as if it was made up. During those few times she was too shocked to say anything to her brother while he had his hand down her pants. He still comes for the holiday so I asked her if now she would tell him to knock it off if he does it again. She paused and paused and so I told her she won't because of embarrassment and shame and I told her that she's 19 and will have to say something if he tries again!! We left it as that. I want to know if there's a way to fix this?? Should I face her brother and tell him what he did was horrible? I believe honestly that I should "fix" this as a man because she does not trust men so if I help her confront him she will first be relief and second she has a man that stand up for her so she won't be that angry at men.

Nov 28, 2010

please help
by: Anonymous

my girlfriend told me about halfway through our now 9 month relationship that she was molested by a family member. she says she's over it but she's obviously not. she didnt sleep at all the night we had our first time because of nightmares about what happened when she was little. shes slowly getting to where having sex with me doesnt bother her. ive been as supportive as i know how to be and havent pushed her to do anything. our first time was the first time for both of us. were only 16 so its hard for me to know what to tell her. ive told her it wasnt her fault and that i will always be there for her no matter wnat. i just don't know what else to do. im also wondering if she might have and eating disorder because it seems like that is what she does when shes upset and like thats all she does sometimes. im all alone in supporting her because her family doesnt even know the full extent of what happened and she doesnt want to tell them. i need some advice please. any thing that would help would be really appreciated.

Dec 02, 2010

Trust in God
by: Anonymous

This comment is in response to the 9 month old couple where your girlfriend was molested by a family member. My advice would be to pray for her, pray with her, and help her to get to know Jesus as her Saviour and Healer. I have written several comments on this page before. I am 28 years old now and I was raped by two men when I was 15 and again later in life. I was also molested twice. All I can say in a nutshell is Jesus is the answer. What I mean by that is forget anything about religion or whatever anyone has ever told you about what to think about Jesus or God. Ask Jesus, yourself, to show you who He is (if you have not already done so). He knows exactly how to help your girlfriend. Even though its obvious that you love her very much, no one loves her more or knows her better than her Creator. I wish you the best and you & your girlfriend will be in my prayers as well.

Dec 10, 2010

response to Trust in God
by: Anonymous

Thank you for the advice. it really helps. she already goes to church with me and i really think it has helped. I just hope it and prayers will continue to help. i know shell never forget it, but I hope it at least gets better with time. Any advice is always welcome. thank you so much

Dec 31, 2010

To tell, or not to tell
by: Anonymous

do the boyfriends who were told, wish they weren't told? i don't know whether or not to tell him. i don't want to change the way he looks at me, i don't know if it is too soon to tell him.

Jan 05, 2011

response to to tell or not to tell
by: Anonymous

Im glad my girlfriend told me instead of trying to just ignore it and hope it goes away. Im one of only a few people that know what happened and the only one trying to help which can be a little bit too much sometimes but nothing compared to what she wouldve gone through trying to just ignore it and even has been going through with all the support i can possibly give her. Its something noone should have to face alone. I can only imagine how hard it is for her to face even now, but i would never be able to imagine how hard it would be to face alone. I've known about it for roughly 9 months out of our 11 month relationship and never wished i hadn't been told even a little. the only thing i have wished is that i could help her more. Pardon my language but i don't know another way to put it, and that i could get my hands on the son of a bitch that did it to her. and that i could make that never happen to anyone again.

Jan 06, 2011

My daughter
by: Anonymous

My daughter just told me that our son molested her twice. They are both now grown. We confronted our son and he has told her he was sorry and would help her in any way he could. It has blown our family apart. It seems like a night mare. I can barley look at my son. we had a great relationship. My husband just wants to say it was in the past get over it. I can't. My daughter has her feelings and I have mine. My son has my only Granddaughter that he says if I make it public I will not see her. I am wondering if he did the same to her. When she was 2 she is now 11. She would cry and say my daddy is mean to me and never wanted to go home. not even with her mother. I know he was inapropiate with a neighbors kid in the pool by pulling her bathing suit off her private area so everyone could see. I do not know what to do. My son and his father have a great relationship,but I think he is in a way telling my daughter to just get over it. I am afraid for my grandaughter however he swears he has never touched her. My husband takes his anger out on me. He tells me I should just forget it It happenen a long time ago. Help me. I feel I am letting my daughter down.

Jan 07, 2011

Response to my daughter
by: Anonymous

I am very sorry for what your family is going through right now. I feel odd, almost rude responding to your column because it is your family... those closest to you that you're going through this unfortunate situation with. BUT there is a part of me, the part that knows from experience that sexual abuse does not just go away, that MUST respond. Though I was not molested by a family member, I was raped and molested. I, too, tried to keep it a secret and convinced myself that it was ok or not a big deal. That turned out to be a mistake because I was in denial. The truth is I was broken. Giving the most intimate part of yourself (any degree of your person) in any way should be a choice. When someone makes this choice for you, it forces a part of you to die. Denial doesn't help. The way you've explained your daughter's courageous confession after all these years, it seems as if she is realizing that she cannot avoid it. She has to face it and she wants your help. Its scary to see yourself change because of something that was done to you. Its scary to bear a cross that you didn't ask for. Praise God we don't have to bear it alone because The Lord is with us and is waiting for us to ask for His help. But it seems to me that the person your daughter wants help from is you. I'm really sorry that your husband and son seem to be angered by your natural desire to be a mother to your daughter. I don't know how that might change your relationship with them. I can't imagine the choice between losing your daughter's trust and respect in, maybe, her greatest time of need or losing your husband and son's favor. I can't tell you what to do and again I'm sorry because it seems like you have a cross you didn't ask for as well right now, but I hope it helps what I've said because I know how I felt when I was taken advantage of. Hopefully the choice is, at least, clearer. I pray The Lord gives you the courage to make the right decision. God bless you.

Jan 10, 2011

Been there, heres what you can do.
by: alexis byers

treat her with respect and kindness and show her shes loved and cared for by you. theres not much you can do its in the past, dont bring it up unless she brings it up again, dont push her into anything shes not ready for or you could freak her out. Be there for her, i know how it is with that my step daughter was sexual abused a few months ago by her mother and step father. My mother gone through it with her father, and uncles. But thats the best thing to do for her right now is just love her, mean it and show her.

Feb 20, 2011

What do i do
by: Ryan

I recently found out my girlfriend was sexaully abused by her mothers boyfriend when she was 9,
We are talking about sex now, and I'm scared to try anything because i think I'd litterally hate myself if i ever caused her any kind of pain, or scared her, or anything.
does anybody have any ideas on how i can make her feel safe or anything we can do to make it easier for us to beat this , this wasn't my idea i was prepared to wait aslong as my girl wanted, but she wants us to have a normal intermit relationship , so we want to beat this
????

Feb 25, 2011

Response to Ryan (20th Feb)
by: Anonymous

Hi Ryan,
My first proper relationship was sexually, emotionally and physically abusive, but I went along with it because I 'loved' him and was too scared to get out of it.
Now i'm in a stable, happy relationship of 14 months where I know my current boyfriend loves me and genuinely cares for me; and there is no better feeling than that!

My advice for you is to remain strong for her and yourself. I know what you will hear from her will make you hurt inside deeply, but I promise you it will make you stronger as a couple. I wouldn't be here today where I am if it wasn't for my amazing boyfriend.
I was petrified of sex, refused to take my clothes off, be seen naked, shower together, be touched anywhere, shake physically, cry and curl up whenever he tried to touch me- Although he meant no harm, but to show he loved me and cared.
I suggest you talk openly about what she has been through, don't judge her or force her to tell you things she doesn't want to. People open up more as the trust increases upon the subject in hand.
Her saying she ''wants you both to have a normal intermit relationship'' is in my eyes her trying to say ''finally someone truly does care for me, and I need to keep him by my side as i'm so scared of being hurt again''... Why do I think this??? Because those were the words I first used to my current boyfriend. And yes I was lying to him because I was so desperate to keep him.
After a lot of talking he started to understand me and my problems, and waited 9 months till I was ready to take the first steps. Let her be the one to make the first steps, as only she knows when she is ready.
After you have overcome this problem, I promise you, you two will be stronger than superglue. I will never be able to thank my boyfriend enough for his support and love.
It takes a real man, rather than an abusive thug to do what you're about to do.
Hope I have helped.
Good luck :)

Apr 20, 2011

my girlfriend
by: GROM

yea i definately relate to you on this. my girlfriend has been raped as a teenager by her cousin and also touched by her uncle. she was so embarrassed about this that she has not told anyone. she never brings it up but i know it effects her to this day. i feel like what she went through effects our relationship because she has problems opening up emotionally and also trusting me. which makes our relationship pretty hard... but what can i do about it?

May 02, 2011

advice
by: Anonymous

I was sexually abused when i was 7 or 8 by my cousin. It took a lot for me to open up and tell my boyfriend. And after i did i felt a lot better. So you should be very flattered that she trusted you enough to tell you. I have a few tips for you: she DOESN'T want your sympathy. instead try saying something like "I know i will never fully understand what u are going through but i am here for you." Also, you have to be very careful. She is very delicate and she may get emotional over small things. You have to be patient with her. She may never get over this because it is a very dramatic thing. I'm still trying to recover. SO you have to be understanding.

i wish you the best of luck.

Aug 23, 2011

One Boyfriend's Perspective
by: Zakir

I knew that my girlfriend had gone through a lot as a child even before we started dating. She was no longer in contact with her father, and had been living with her mother and brothers in a different house for a number of years. We feel in love quickly, and I am grateful and amazed now that she was so open to a loving relationship. A few months after we had begun dating, she told me that she had been having nightmares, and then that she had been sexually and physically abused by her father as a child. I thanked her for trusting me, and let her know that I loved her and that if she needed anything, that I would be available. At times I felt helpless in regard to my ability to do something. I wanted to make it better, yet understood that it is not a curable thing. She was prone to mood swings, and was sensitive about things that were small to me, but obviously important to her - and that had some affect on our relationship - but I could see where it was coming from, and learned how to deal with it in time, and not to take all of it personally. There were times when there was nothing to be done, where she simply needed to be angry at someone, or to make someone angry at her, and those moments were especially difficult to deal with. I have never loved someone or something more though, and I admire her for the strength that she has, and for being the insanely wonderful person that she is. We are both now leaving for college.

Aug 23, 2011

One Boyfriend's Perspective - Continued.
by: Zakir

Having her leave and not being there for her has brought up a lot of emotion for me around her history. She had told me to never look up her father, I was feeling so much hatred and anger towards him, or what he represented to me symbolically as a totem of all that is bad in the world, that I ended up Googling his name. What I found shook me, I couldn't stop thinking about how deeply I hated him for days. He was (and still is for all I know) a "spiritual leader" who spearheaded groups that promoted neglect of children, forcing very young kids to do intense drugs, and all this with a vaguely hidden habit of sexual assault perpetrated by a number of the group's members. I couldn't talk to anyone about it, and felt that I had betrayed her by looking him up, it wasn't my business. I was so overcome with hatred for the people that could do that, or stand aside for anything like that, especially when many of them (including her father) are still out there and probably think they're decent humans. I ended up telling her what I had seen, and she was angry for some time, but things are fine now. I know that she feels responsible for the various affects that her history has on those around her, and all I can do is let her know that she is being unfair to herself, and that I would much rather know something that hurts to hear, than to live ignorant of something real to her and painful to be alone with. TO ANY VICTIM WHO IS CONTEMPLATING WHETHER OR NOT TO TELL YOUR STORY TO SOMEONE IN YOUR LIFE, whether it is a lover, a friend, a family member, or someone else you trust, I hope that you find the courage to do so. And if it is still happening, or happened recently, I implore you to report it to the police and potentially save yourself or someone else from further pain. What ever happened is in no way something that you had control over, and dealing with it alone can be hard. There is so much evil in this world, but there is far more love and beauty... may you find it.

Sep 12, 2011

My Abused Ex has a new boyfriend
by: Anonymous

Guess its by far the most difficult thing I've ever faced. My ex and I started dateing at a time when I was quite outgoing. She's such a beautifull person deep down, it encouraged me to turn my Life around and see new focus. Everyone thought we were the perfect couple, even to the point people were talking bout us getting married. She confided in me and told me about her abuse as a child. After that the relationship became a rollercoaster ride. She's independant and every time I did something for her she'd get angry. I genuinely did it out of Love and not expecting anything in return. Shed once said she Love Me, but later denied ever doing so. It lead to Her breaking up with me and taking someone else. Its been five months now and I am battling to get over it. I still Love Her Greatly. Is there anyone that can help me understand. This is not the first time this happens to me. I've had the same happen on two other occassions. I'm a annilitical person and the only answer I seem to get from myself is, 'Love aint worth the pain.' It seems to me the guys who treat woman like Trash are always the winners. When it comes to Love, I'm beginning to think its best not to follow your Heart.

Sep 14, 2011

my girlfriend was abused as a kid....
by: Anonymous

after two month of our relationship she told me that she was raped as a child.and i treated her very well about this.she has some freaks about men that since she has been with me they started to disappear as she says.but she still have some freaks about me 2.may be it sounds unthinkabale but now after 5 months she still has freaks to kiss me!about sex i even dont have he courage to mention.....i really want to help her cuz i love her,i suggested her to go to a psychologist together but she refuses and i dont know what to do.plz help.oh and we are 18.

Sep 14, 2011

my sad life
by: jessa

im fifteen right now. i was sexually abused by my brother when i was five and the only person ive told besides you all now, was my best friend. it kills me to wake up every morning and remember what he did and on top of that when i was six i was molested by two of my brothers friends. now i have a serious problem with cutting..and trusting any one close except my best friend.....my dad is sick and will die soon i have no mom and i know that it is in my dads will that i go to my brother if he dies....i dont know what to do. i feel like curling up in a ball and cry forever.

From Darlene - Webmaster: If you're in the USA, I urge you to contact Child Help at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) in order to talk to someone about you are dealing with. They are staffed 24/7 with professionally trained counsellors who will listen to you. They are not a reporting agency, although they can help you through the process of reporting if you decide to disclose the abuse, which you need to do. Visit their website by copying & pasting the following URL into your browser: http://www.childhelp.org/get_help

If you're not in the USA, contact one of the hotlines listed on my stories page, depending on where you live, in order to talk to someone confidentially. And please, I ask that you NOT use your full name on this site as I want your privacy and anonymity protected. You don't know who is reading these posts and what their ulterior motives are. That's why I removed your full name. I thank you for understanding.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Sep 23, 2011

Exploitation Reinforcement
by: Anonymous

I've been in a relationship with a women who was sexually abused since we were teenagers (we are now mid-twenties). What I've come to learn is that the abuse causes a mental side affect around men in positions of power. If you know your significant other has been abused, or have the suspicion because of her promiscuity, drug usage, emotional swings, et cetera, then there are several things you should watch for.

One, in no circumstance leave them alone, or introduce them to men in any position of power. This includes your boss, co-workers, et cetera. From what I've experienced, they get themselves in a position they don't want to be in, then feel that they owe that to the person, whether they would like to do this or not. It is the one way they feel they can influence the situation. In their mind, they can perform a sexual act that is "less severe" (like oral) to get out of the "actual sex". A normal person would see that their company is enough and that consent would be both people wanted to proceed to that level. For some reason, [some] abused girls/women don't think the same.

Another, try to help her avoid these circumstances. Look for all female power structures at non-profits, or something of the like. Many times, they get themselves in the same position. The bad thing is that they don't feel as if they are being exploited, so the courts won't do anything about it, even if it would be considered another rape case.

Any guy/gentleman taking on this fight has quite a battle if your significant other still exhibits tendencies. It will be gone, then a single introduction to the wrong person brings the abusiveness, drug usage, depression and all the other issues along with it.

Sep 27, 2011

leaving is NOT the way to go, love love and more love.
by: Anonymous

to the few people who have suggested ending the relationship, and leaving for someone with a normal life, and with no baggage, i'm sorry but you should be ashamed of yourself. can you even begin to imagine the further emotional damage that would cause? i am a victim of sexual abuse. i literelly can't remember most of my childhood because i have blocked it out. i have severe self esteem issues, low self confidence, i have trouble trusting men, being intimate with my own boyfriend, even accepting or believing that he loves me. i constantly have these problems, i have doubts about my relationship on a daily basis, and this is just me, who is in a completely happy relationship. all of these issues are because of the abuse i experienced as a child. imagine how much worse it would feel if someone's boyfriend decided the victim of abuse was too 'damaged' to continue being in a relationship with. if everyone thought that, victim's of sexual abuse would never be in a relationship.

to the original poster, your girlfriend is so fortunate to have someone who cares and loves her so much. what she really needs is just to always know you love her, no matter what. she needs to feel special and worthy of love. it's common for a survivor to have feelings of low self esteem and low self worth, even in a loving and trusting relationship. although, it's pretty obvious you're already doing that pretty well. :) if you two are sexual (intimacy can become almost impossible) be very very careful and gentle. asking for permission may sound silly and unnecessary, but it will help her feel like you consider her feelings and wants. a lot of the time survivors will feel obligated to give their partner sex so it's important to let her know she is not in any way obligated to any sexual activity. just lots of support and love on your part will make a huge huge difference. good luck and once again, kudos to you for being such a good boyfriend to your girl. :)

Dec 09, 2011

Try to be there for her
by: Anonymous

My Girlfriend was sexually molested by her uncle during her childhood. I met her in college a few years back and I found her to be a great person, just a little reserved. She told me on a date what had happened with her uncle and how she felt about it. I found it very stressful at first that she even tell me this. However , she said she didnt want it to affect our relationship. Yesterday, one of her uncles passed and she seems very, very apprehensive about talking about his passing. She has alot of uncles, but this one has her not wanting to talk about it with me, so I kept my distance. I still love her and try my hardest to be there for her, even though its like dealing with an ocean of secrets with her. It looks like this is a problem that won't go away with her, so I'll try by God's help to be there for her throughout any tough situation.

Jan 24, 2012

It's hard.
by: NotNormal

My girlfriend told me yesterday what happend to her when she was 9. She was sexualy abused by a friend of her best friend, so i can understand what most of the people here felt when they found out. I was destroyed to hear. I am not sure that her family knows because she is very insecure and hardly trust people anymore. I, like any boyfriend, managed to "crak" that insecurity and made her trust me.
Word of advice for all the boy's out there that read this post. NEVER give up on her, be proud of her, that she opened to you. In moments like this YOU must be her best friend. Keep loving her no matter what. I know it's hard, you know it's hard.
She say's she's over it? Thats a lie to make you feel better, thats why you must be 24/7 near her.
Some of us (boy's) seek revange(like me), to just punish that guy for what he did! DON'T do that! You will go in a state of depression, dragging her with you. Keep calm and support her to your best of your ability's. But, if, by any chance you meet this guy, nicely ask her to leave and have have a chat with him. Just a simple chat. Try phsycological torture, but remain calm in the same time. It's hard and you need nerves of steel.
I will never stop loving her, regardless of the fact that betwen us there is a distance of 6000km+. I am talking to her everyday and supporting her. NEVER forget to tell her how much you love her and that YOU are there only with 1 reason. To support her!
Wish all the best and congratz to all the couples that got over this moment.

Jan 27, 2012

sexual abuse from a friends standpoint
by: Anonymous

My best friend told me a few months ago that she was sexually abused by her uncle when she was little,(she is close to 50 now), she has had weight problems all her life and had a very rocky relationship with her parents as a teenager. Her father is a Minister and God has always been a very big presence in their home. Her folks are great people that have no idea of what she endured at the hands of her uncle for many years. She is afraid to tell her parents at this point in life because of their age. I know that she wants to talk to someone in her family about this because of the grandchildren in her family that are exposed to this man and so she may be able to take back control of her life. She has asked me my opinion on the subject which made me feel good that she trusted me enough to not only tell me but to ask my advise.
I told her that she should talk to her brother about it. She is very close with him and she trusts that he will keep her confidences. I told her that I would always be there for her, and if she needed any moral support she knew exactly where I was. The first step in regaining control of her life was to talk about it. This man should pay for what he did, but if she does not want to stir up a bunch of drama in her tight knit family,which seems to be the case, than at the very least she should talk to a therapist. I believe in her case her brother would be a good choice because she and I both know that he would be supportive and understanding and more importantly she trusts him. I have tried not to push her into doing anything she is not ready for, but when SHE brings it up, I gently tell her that she needs to think about talking to her brother or a therapist. As a friend listening is huge!! I try very hard to listen and be supportive no matter what she does, but yesterday she emailed me and told me that she is going to talk to her brother. I guess she has decided that the time is right. I told her that I would be there for her and if she wanted me there I would be glad to, but this is a very personal thing, if she wants to do it alone, I certainly understand that as well. Lets all keep our fingers crossed that she has decided to take her control back from this beast that robbed her of her peace of mind so many years ago. I love her sooo much and I have witnessed first hand the damage this evil man has done to her life and relationships.

Feb 02, 2012

the tiring pain
by: Anonymous

it's hard having to put up with all the troubles the world brings, but having to hear that some poor girl has been raped is just wrong. just the other day, my girlfriend wanted to talk to me. after just about 2 years, she explains to me that she was raped as a child. and before any of this, my exact words were "if you need to cry, i will cry with you." but now every moment i can, i spend every moment with her trying to cheer her up, tell her "i love you", and even talk more with her......it just ticks me off that her father (who no longer lives with them) was responsible. it literally kills me inside that someone as beautiful and as nice as her would have to go through so much, i can't take it!

Feb 02, 2012

my girlfriend was abuses too as a child
by: Anonymous

Me being her boyfriend, i am just filled with anger and sadness, like I want people to know what this guy did to her a child. When everything happened she was 6 and he was 15. Now she is a legal adult and so is he and i want something done. Can legal action be taken against this person. I've been with this girl for a long time and love her but i just don't know if i can take this if nothing gets done. It hurts me so much. Please help me!

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My girlfriend was sexually abused as a kid; what do I do?

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My girlfriend was sexually abused as a kid; what do I do?