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My girlfriend was sexually abused as a kid; what do I do?

by A boyfriend
(Location Undisclosed)

I've just found out my girlfriend was sexually abused when she was a kid by her neighbor. When she told me, she sounded real calm and told me she's doing alright now. I would like to know as a boyfriend what should I do? Apparently, nobody knows about this.

Thank you.

Note from Darlene: My answer to this Ask Darlene question "My girlfriend was sexually abused as a kid; what do I do?" can be found below.

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Comments for
My girlfriend was sexually abused as a kid; what do I do?

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Mar 31, 2008
 Be a support for her...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I recognize that it must have been very difficult for you to hear what your girlfriend disclosed. The fact that she disclosed to you at all shows that she trusts you implicitly; you should be proud of that.

You did not identify your girlfriend's age or where you live. If you were in Canada, and you either knew or suspected that child abuse was still going on AND your girlfriend was still a minor, you would be legally obligated to report the disclosure. If your girlfriend is an adult, mandatory reporting does not apply. Your girlfriend disclosed what is termed "historical child abuse." She has a right to keep this to herself. If she decides at some future point that she wants to pursue this legally, she may be governed by state-wide or country-wide statute of limitations laws.

You can't fix this for her, but you can be a support for her. I recommend you read the child abuse intervention page on this site—in particular, the H.E.A.R.S. procedure—for more details of how to deal with your girlfriend's disclosure.

She says she's all right now, but you may notice signs that she isn't: nightmares, eating disorders, anxiety disorders, etc. If she does exhibit effects that you believe are a result of being sexually abused, you could (heavy emphasis on could) very gently suggest counselling; but if you do, don't be the least bit judgmental. Whatever your girlfriend decides to do or not do, be understanding and patient. And don't forget to take care of yourself during this difficult time. Talk to someone you trust in order to help you deal with this.

I wish you and your girlfriend all the best.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Apr 02, 2008
 tired of falling
by: charles

Be supportive and do not treat her any differant than you have. She may be secretly emotionaly vulnerable and insecure. Inquire in detail of what help she has sought and be inquisitiive of her emotional state of mind.
Apr 06, 2008
 give her respect
by: Anonymous

just treat her with respect and kindness. You have to be good to her because she might not like to open up to people so easly. Give her time and then when she is ready she will open up to you. Also you'll find out things about her that will want to make you respect her more.
Aug 21, 2008
 Please
by: Mrs. Joan McCoy

Offer her lots of love and support. I am 20 and got out of my abusive homelife at 18. My education was very much neglected as well as my health. I was sexually/verbally/mentally/emotionally abused by my own mother throughout my entire life. I was barely allowed out of the home and was not allowed to talk to most people throughout my life. The worst thing anyone can do is tell the person who has been abused that they made it up. I have experienced that because a lot of people have said why would a mother do that ? It is painful and only discourages the one who has been abused to open up to anyone else or even get help. It took me a while before I could open up about things out of fear of betraying her. She would tell me over and over if I did I was being a bad daughter, among other things. Be a listening ear. That is very helpful.
Mar 10, 2009
 treat her normal.
by: Carlee Crossingham

Treat her the same as any other normal person, the worst thing you can do is treat her different and have her feel like she IS different (a freak)

She says she's okay, so if her behavior is relitively normal then I don't think you should suggest counsiling unless she shows signs of post traumatic stress, anxiety disorders ect.

I hope this helps.
Jun 02, 2009
 Listen
by: Anonymous

I was abused as a child and told my boyfriend, he helped a lot. If you can, learn tell tale signs that somethings bothering her. If you notice it, wait until your alone with her and ask her if she wants to talk.
Jun 09, 2009
 IF YOU FEEL STRONG REPORT IT TO THE POLICE
by: Anonymous

i was sexually abused by my brother i think i was 11. I stuggled with self belive, thinking i was unlovable. I would not say i was permissuious when i became a teenager, but i could not belive that i was good in relationships. I had a lovely boyfriend when i was 19 but i finnished with him after 10 months as i became scared of how close i felt for him. H e knew about the abuse and was and probably still is the kindest most sensetive person i knew. When i was 23 i feel into a relationship wich was very controlling and at times physically abusive, but i thought i deserved this. 15 years later and 3 children i ended the relationship, i dont know why it took that long i was scared i think and had no self believe. However i am in a loving relationship now
this man is so trust worthy i can talk to anybody
without being called names or pushed around. I can still get insecure and on occasions have dreams. But as a very lovely lady told me what happened to me happened as a child and i could not stop it as he was a grown up. I do not see my abuser and i have also told my mum which was the hardest thing i have ever had to do,but she understood.I would encourage anyboby who has been abused not to sweep it to the back of your mind but get it out into the open and tell the police. I think by doing this now matter how painfull it prevents others having to go through the same. I also think i am a stronger person for sharing it with others.
Jul 05, 2009
 my girl friend was abused and raped as a child too
by: Anonymous

yesterday i made out with my girlfriend for the first time after i played her a song i rote for her. she told me after we kissed that she was raped as a child and now i dont know what to say or think. i dont think she told me how old she was but she only said that the guy never stoped and it was a boy only just older than her maybe by 2, 3 years. i sat next to her wondering of how this happend and now i feel like i want to rip those guys balls off and make him eat them without a choice(sorry if im a little descriptive) but the thing is it dosent feel the same no more. she seemed so much more quiet that day and it was like she wished she ever told me.
i called her that night to hopefully talk to her bout it, butj she said she wanted to talk through the computer. i sat down and i spoke to her and she said she just had a head ake and was tired, i which case i felt she saod that as an exuse to not tell me. she then told me that she needed some time to think and about everything and she needed time away from eachother. i agreed to allow that to happen coz i love her but now i dont know what to do, i dont know if she broke up with me, or anything. i tiold her that i am there for her when ever she needed me and she could tell me anything. i think she said that she has only told one person. im scared for her. and now i dont know what to do and i dont know how to how to confort her. im 16 and so is she and now i need help on what i can do for her, did she leave me, or does she need time to reflect i dont know can someone help me 2 im in the same situation.
please

From Darlene: You're a very caring and loving person, Anonymous. You've done all you can. She needs time to process her disclosure. She knows you're there for her. The rest is up to her. She has to be the one to take the next step, as understandably difficult as that may be for you.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Jul 27, 2009
 Leave
by: Adam

My ex-girlfriend was also a victim of sexual abuse as a child, perpetrated by her mother's boyfriend. Just prior to our dating relationship, she was involved in a "friends with benefits" type of relationship with a classmate who was a campus drug dealer, he was also sexually molested as a child. She disclosed all of this to me two months into the relationship.

I had a real, sincere affection for my ex, which became entangled with all sort of mixed emotions once I found out. I pitied her, and I questioned the nature of my attraction to her. Was the attraction a sort of "rescue fantasy"? Was I trying to fix her? Subconsciously, was it predatory? Making out with her was very difficult. She almost always instigated it, and I was the one who had to stop before it escalated to the point of sex. Given her past, I didn't want to have sex with her. Even making out filled me with guilt. I was caught up in this vortex of emotion - guilt, pity, lust...I felt like sex would be taking advantage of her.

In addition, I felt like we had no real connection to each other, other than the physical. It seemed like all her past relationships were like this.

Also, she would tell me things that were alarming, that really scared me off. She would tell me that she liked me in comparison to her past boyfriends. That I wasn't aggressive or forceful. Comparatively, her past boyfriends would command her to take off her clothes.

I wanted to be helpful, and supportive, but I didn't know how. Eventually, our relationship ended without much resolution to these underlying problems. It could never progress beyond the physical, it could never mature.

If your relationship is anything like mine, I suggest you that you preempt or pretermit anything before you find yourself enmeshed in it. I know you want to help her, but to be honest, I think there's very little you can do.
Jul 27, 2009
 My girlfriend was abused a few months ago
by: boyfriend

My situation is similar to the one that was posted on July 5. I am 16, have been going out with my girlfriend who is 15 (we are 11 months apart) for a few weeks. I think it?s a week ago today, when we were on the phone I told her I wanted to know everything about her. Her mom asked her if she had her hearing aid and my girlfriend seemed annoyed, when her mom gave me ride home, she told me that she wears a hearing aid and she feels stigma. She also told me many other complications along with her scoliosis form being born premature. Getting to what I was saying before, on the phone she said this would blow my mind. She said she was at her boyfriend's house for a sleep over because her boyfriend?s sister was also a best or really good friend. Her boyfriend?s father who is also her friend?s dad said that she will sleep on the couch. I thought I knew where this was going but I wasn't listening except for the part where she said she "had no backbone". I wasn't listening and she said she was molested. I asked her what she said and repeated it even though the first time something inside of me heard what she said. She said this is why she moved. Since then I feel that I have been acting or treating her differently. I told her she was a girlfriend and that I care about her. I told her she was beautiful and I before I kept telling her to wear her hearing aid because she thought me or other would judge her. An affectionate day at the beach leads me to network the next day for her grandma?s birthday. I hardly talked to her that much and she felt tired and a little sick. I have been really emotional thinking of how this could happen. She has gone through so much and I kept asking why anyone would do this. I sent her a bunch of messages and she said that she wanted to do other things and her friends were going through a tough time. I have been emotional for two weeks because I don?t know what to do. I felt hatred towards the thing that did that to her. She has had such a tough life already especially after a divorce and a careless father. Im giving her space and everyday I say I will call but I don?t. I want to help her and be there for her but it seems that she is pushing me away. I know that at this point it?s not just the abuse part but what can I do to help and make this relationship work. I will not move on without her. I will not, and haven't considered it an option. I miss her but don?t know who?s to blame for this. Me or the things she?s gone through. I know this message is so long but I don?t know what to do. i need to bet here for her rather than crying around the house for a week. I need this more than anything else in the world because I've never been more affectionate with anyuone else and i need her in my life. Thank You
Aug 25, 2009
 My Ex-girlfiend was sexually abuse as a child, and I'm scared for her.
by: J.A.R.

I was dating a girl who I loved very much about a year ago, and she revealed to me that she was molested as a child. She is 21 now, and it happened to her when she was about 9 years old. This is all I know about what happened. And I think I am the only person who knows. I tried to get her to talk about it, but I eventually gave up because I was afraid I wasn't qualified. She said she didn't like to think about it. It made me really sad when she would say things like, "I grew up too fast", or "some people just aren't normal." I did let her know that I will always be here for her no matter what.

She moved away with her family not long after she told me about this. Since then we have grown apart but still try to maintain a friendship. She has moved on, and I really care about her a lot.

I am really worried about her because she has been sleeping with many men since our relationship ended. She says she doesn't want a relationship, she just wants to 'have fun'. But things have also been gradually getting worse. Just this weekend, she drove drunk to a hotel to have sex with a guy she met at a gas station earlier that day. Her actions are really making me worried. I'm afraid drugs are the next step for her. There is some family history of drug abuse. She can also be a very depressed person, and she has told me that she doesn't love herself. I have read a little about women who were sexually abused as children, and I see a lot of her in those stories. I really think she needs to get help.

I have been trying to talk to her about her actions, but she just gets really mad at me. Yesterday she told me she hated me. I don't know if I will ever talk to her again. I don't know what to do. I don't want her to continue down this path. I feel helpless because she lives halfway across the country. I want to help her get help to deal with her past. What should I do?
Sep 17, 2009
 Hope is in The Lord
by: Anonymous

I was raped by two men when I was 15. The behaviors of your friend were similar to mine.
Sleeping around, basically doing anything to ignore or numb the pain inside. I also called it "having fun". Im not sure if you believe in God or have faith in Him. But in my experience He loved me until I felt like I was worth love and that changed everything.I asked The Lord to show me who He was if He really cared about me and He did. I think you should also be patient because she seems to have alot to work through. It took me years to first admit that something was wrong and second to face it. I am 26 now and I have been celibate for 2 years and Im drug free! Joy comes in the morning. Just dont give up on her. You may be her only security right now whether she admits it or not.

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