Memories I Never Had

Memories I Never Had

by Jennifer Bell-Lang
(Grand Isle, Vt. USA)

Self Portrait

Ok, thanks for the support and here goes with the rest of this. So I rescued this boy, my neighbor from this abuse but what happens next is what hurts me the most. Well I dropped the pipe and ran home screaming. I ran to my apartment and ran upstairs and under the bed and threatened to put a fork in the electrical outlet but my mom called the ambulance in time and I remember them looking at me from under the bed and I remember going out to the ambulance with them with a stuffed animal in my arms. I was hospitalized for what seemed like forever at the time in a children's hospital. I was put in the padded room a few times when I was having really bad screaming fits, they had a swimming pool and an arts and crafts room. I remember drawing with puffy paint pens on t-shirt fabric, I liked colors, they made me feel more comfortable. I remember a lot of different kids there of all colors and I was well liked. We would go on hikes in the woods and I remember walking in the leaves in the woods. It had to have been fall, closer to halloween, it was getting cold and when I arrived there it was still warm. My mom came to visit one weekend and brought me a plate full of cookies which I wasn't supposed to have in my room. I was supposed to turn them in but I was being spiteful and hid them under some of my clothes in my closet. Well, one of the nurses came in and found them and took them away.
I finally went home and I went to visit the boy. He had sisters and a brother and they brought me into their apartment and I saw the boy sitting on the sofa with his head all wrapped up in white. There were cartoons on in the background and I was put upon my knees and begun to suck his penis. His mother came in through the door on my left and found me like that. I was then brought up into the bedrooms where I was stripped naked and photographed with others. The mother kept calling me a British tart and when it was over I remember getting the chills in the doorway as it shut behind me almost instantly trying to block out what had just happened. They had told the boy that he had hit a pipe sledding down a hill but it was his father and my uncle that did that to him. When I dropped the pipe and ran home they had come out screaming at me and picked up the pipe and beat the boy in the head giving him 194 stitches. I was blamed for dropping the pipe and my worst memory is that I will go back in time and pick up the pipe, look into the glass at the scene, look back at the pipe and remember what I am going through at this very moment and I will just walk away without even trying to help. What would you do?

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Memories I Never Had

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Feb 29, 2008
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Refuse to Accept Blame
by: Linda Settles

Jennifer, you are very brave to be able to talk about what happened. Maybe you don't remember everything, but you are facing the truth that you have--and when we do that more will come--it always does.
What you went through was terrible-something no child should every have to experience. And I can tell that you have sympathy for the boy who was so abused, too. I hope you know that you are not responsible for what happened to you, or to the boy. You were a child. A child in pain and terrible hurt and confused. No one knows what we would have done, but whatever you did--it was not your fault. You AND the boy were the victims of sick twisted individuals who were bigger and stronger than both of you.

I know this is hard to do--but you have to let it go. That will not happen in a day, and it may take a long time to completely release the 'what ifs' and move on--but that is what you have to do. One day at a time, one memory at a time, one pain at a time.

Trust the process of recovery, trust a Power Higher than yourself to get you through it, and trust yourself--you are strong, and brave, or you would not have written as you have.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Mar 01, 2008
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vile
by: Anonymous

how digusting

Mar 01, 2008
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Rescuing is ingrained in us...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Jennifer, this is a question of the ages; a version of "what if." You want to know whether you would act to rescue this boy if you knew in advance what you would be put through by doing so. No one can answer that with any certainty. Indeed, to even try is moot, since we can't change what has already occurred. We can only act upon what will happen today and tomorrow. So THAT'S the real question I believe you're asking: "Would I rescue this boy today and risk going through what I went through yesterday?"

When we come from severe abuse, some of us cannot do nothing when an injustice occurs, or when we witness a child being physically or sexually abused. Not only does our instinct to protect kick in, we are overwhelmed with an ingrained need to stop what no one stopped for us. We act before we think, and by doing so, subconsciously show the world that what happened to us should never have happened, and that we will stop it from happening again, single-handedly if necessary. No matter our size or disadvantage, we become 10 feet tall with the strength of Hercules; we are driven to act with no regard for the consequences. We share this ingrained trait, Jennifer. We would rather be the ones who suffer, than do nothing when a helpless child is made to suffer.

What happened to you, Jennifer was heinously criminal. You were subjected to inhuman acts. The fact that you survived and didn't stick that fork in the electrical outlet, or suicide in some other way, is nothing short of miraculous. Rather than question what you would do given the circumstances today; recognize that you are a caring, loving, nurturing woman who has amazing strength of character. Because you do, Jennifer, you really do.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

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Mar 01, 2008
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Submitted by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

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Jennifer, this is a question of the ages; a version of "what if." You want to know whether you would act to rescue this boy if you knew in advance what you would be put through by doing so. No one can answer that with any certainty. Indeed, to even try is moot, since we can't change what has already occurred. We can only act upon what will happen today and tomorrow. So THAT'S the real question I believe you're asking: "Would I rescue this boy today and risk going through what I went through yesterday?" When we come from severe abuse, some of us cannot do nothing when an injustice occurs, or when we witness a child being physically or sexually abused. Not only does our instinct to protect kick in, we are overwhelmed with an ingrained need to stop what no one stopped for us. We act before we think, and by doing so, subconsciously show the world that what happened to us should never have happened, and that we will stop it from happening again, single-handedly if necessary. No matter our size or disadvantage, we become 10 feet tall with the strength of Hercules; we are driven to act with no regard for the consequences. We share this ingrained trait, Jennifer. We would rather be the ones who suffer, than do nothing when a helpless child is made to suffer. What happened to you, Jennifer was heinously criminal. You were subjected to inhuman acts. The fact that you survived and didn't stick that fork in the electrical outlet, or suicide in some other way, is nothing short of miraculous. Rather than question what you would do given the circumstances today; recognize that you are a caring, loving, nurturing woman who has amazing strength of character. Because you do, Jennifer, you really do. Darlene Barriere Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator Author: <a href="http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/my-story-of-abuse.html"><i>On My Own Terms, A Memoir</i></a>

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Memories I Never Had

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Memories I Never Had