Is it 'normal' to need to constantly be told it wasn't my fault?

Is it 'normal' to need to constantly be told it wasn't my fault?

by A
(South Carolina, USA)

Is it normal for me to feel the constant need to be told that I didn't ask for this life? That what my dad did wasn't my fault, and that I didn't want it to happen?? Do you think it's because I could never get my mom to listen to me?

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Is it 'normal' to need to constantly be told it wasn't my fault?

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May 31, 2008

I wouldn't use the word "normal"...I'd use the word "natural"
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

What you are experiencing is perfectly "natural" and very common when a child comes from a home that was rife with abuse. When children don't get their needs met, those needs can follow them well into adulthood, unless they get help for themselves. For each and every time you were denigrated as a child, you needed to hear a thousand times: "Good job. You are worthy. You are special." And when children don't get those thousand-times-over messages in order to negate the destructive ones, they grow up still needing to hear and BELIEVE the positive messages.

A, you continue to need to hear that what your father did to you wasn't your fault, partly because you are conflicted from the messages your perverted father gave you at such a young age, (see Child Abuse Story From A) partly because deep down you may still believe that you were to blame, (you definitely WERE NOT to blame—the blame lies squarely on the shoulders of your offending father) and yes, partly because your mother betrayed and abandoned you at one of the most vulnerable times of your life. After years of fear, after years of believing that you wouldn't be believed if you did tell, after reaching out and finally disclosing what your sex-offender-of-a-father had been doing to you since you were a little girl, you were told you were a liar by the one person who should have believed you and given you a soft place to land; your mother. The devastation must have knocked you over.

I strongly urge you to seek out some form of counselling. A professional can help you put what happened to you as a child into proper perspective. A professional can help you learn the tools you need in order to give yourself the needs that your mother was incapable of giving you. It wasn't your fault, A. IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT. It might be helpful for you to read my most recent article on this site titled Child Abuse: Dispelling 6 Myths About Self Blame

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

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May 31, 2008
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Submitted by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

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What you are experiencing is perfectly "natural" and very common when a child comes from a home that was rife with abuse. When children don't get their needs met, those needs can follow them well into adulthood, unless they get help for themselves. For each and every time you were denigrated as a child, you needed to hear a thousand times: "Good job. You are worthy. You are special." And when children don't get those thousand-times-over messages in order to negate the destructive ones, they grow up still needing to hear and BELIEVE the positive messages. A, you continue to need to hear that what your father did to you wasn't your fault, partly because you are conflicted from the messages your perverted father gave you at such a young age, (see <a href="http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/child-abuse-story-from-a.html">Child Abuse Story From A</a>) partly because deep down you may still believe that you were to blame, (you definitely WERE NOT to blame—the blame lies squarely on the shoulders of your offending father) and yes, partly because your mother betrayed and abandoned you at one of the most vulnerable times of your life. After years of fear, after years of believing that you wouldn't be believed if you did tell, after reaching out and finally disclosing what your sex-offender-of-a-father had been doing to you since you were a little girl, you were told you were a liar by the one person who should have believed you and given you a soft place to land; your mother. The devastation must have knocked you over. I strongly urge you to seek out some form of counselling. A professional can help you put what happened to you as a child into proper perspective. A professional can help you learn the tools you need in order to give yourself the needs that your mother was incapable of giving you. It wasn't your fault, A. IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT. It might be helpful for you to read my most recent article on this site titled <a href="http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/child-abuse-dispelling-6-myths-about-self-blame.html">Child Abuse: Dispelling 6 Myths About Self Blame</a> Darlene Barriere Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator Author: <a href="http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/my-story-of-abuse.html"><I>On My Own Terms, A Memoir</I></a>

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Jun 01, 2008

You are right
by: A

deep down I do blame myself. I try not to but its so hard! I had many chances to tell what was going on and I never did. He would even tell me to tell after a while when I told him I would. He told me that it was my fault too if I didnt like it I wouldve done something about it. I am still confused about that I dont know why I didnt tell sooner.
I dont really blame my mom anymore I know what she was going thru and she just couldnt handle anymore. She responded the best way she could to help her. It was too late by that point anyways. Doesnt mean it didnt hurt though. I gave up that day and didnt fight anymore. I just left home as soon as I could after that.
I am looking for a counselor right now I am just scared to take the next step. I havent spoken of this outloud since I was a teenager. It was hard the first time just for no one to listen and its making it harder to actually say the words again.

Jun 12, 2008

i no how u feel
by: Anonymous

my mom doesnt listen to me either........

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Is it 'normal' to need to constantly be told it wasn't my fault?

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Is it 'normal' to need to constantly be told it wasn't my fault?