I hate my mother; does this make me a monster?

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I hate my mother; does this make me a monster?

by Daemon
(Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada)

My mother was someone who both terrified and inspired me. My dad left us when I was just born; and probably wanting a better life for us, she moved far away to P.E.I. (Prince Edward Island) to live with my grandparents. I don't remember much living there. I guess it all began when we moved to Vancouver. Me and my newborn brother (who's dad we don't even truly know) found ourselves in the "ghetto" so to speak. My mother was on welfare at the time. She had us when she was young, so that result was to be expected. However, this simple lifestyle all changed when she met "him". From the moment she brought him home I hated him. He was a usurper. I was quite satisfied not having a dad around the house, and all of a sudden this A-hole comes up and takes control. Here's the kicker: WE WERE POOR, we didn't have enough to buy groceries; it was all food banks, donations, and welfare cheques. But he didn't care. He was using us just so he had a place to stay (seriously, he lived with his mother, and he was about 35 at the time). But she seemed happier and less surly, so I guess I left it alone (besides I was only five).

When I was 6, we moved to an apartment complex that was for single mothers. "He" was still in our lives, only now that my mother had gotten herself back in school and was never home..."He" became abusive. Physical and emotional abuse was my life from then on.

I remember once when I turned 10 he slammed me into a wall for being in his way. I'm not going to say I was a perfect little angel. I was quite the opposite. I had a terrible attitude. I guess I was saying things that most kids would get sent to boot camp for.

As I got older, my relationship with my mom got worse. She knew I hated him. But being afraid to tell her the full truth, I stayed rude and bitter to everyone around me. As more time passed, I got taller (and thankfully stronger) so I was able to fight him off. But then it got worse emotionally. I was put down by him all the time, of course I responded with my usual "eff-you!" But deep down inside I felt that in a way, maybe he was right...

"If you were never born, your mom could have been really successful."
"You're a child from hell."
"You're pretty chubby; no wonder girls don't like you."
"Ahahaha...your grounded 'cause I say so!"

I never once in my life considered him my dad, never! But he was a usurper to the household, so my mother always stood by his decisions and I was punished unmercifully (for things that were actually quite trivial).

When I hit my teens and entered high school, my relationship with my whole family was in the pits. I was a terror. I didn't give them the time of day because I was so busy with my war with "Him" and myself. I was an awkward kid. I wasn't popular. I was bullied frequently and was left out all the time. I couldn't confide in "Him" could I? My mother was always busy. She was never there when I needed her the most. I guess that's when I began to resent her. I truly despised my mother at this point. By grade ten, I started hanging out with the wrong crowd and got into trouble. (Shoplifting, skipping class, late nights) but like the eternally awkward child I was, I never fit in enough to hang out with the drug people (which I guess was good). Things at home were still the same though. But it was when I turned 17 that everything crumbled...

I got into a very violent fight with "Him" and ended up hurting him pretty badly. He phoned her at work when I ran down to my room after it was over. "Get the *&%& out of my house." The words that deep down no teen wants to hear.

"'Im your son!"

"I have no son! You are a mean and twisted little..." (Let's not get into detail.)

So the words were said, and after being threatened with the police I left. I called a friend up to help me find a hotel to stay the night. (I had a little bit of money from my last paycheck) All the hotels were too much money. After lying to my friend that I had a place to go, I dropped off the bags I was carrying at her house and left.

Wandering the streets as a homeless teen was nothing short of hell. It was a new low in my life. I honestly don't remember how long I was out walking, maybe 10 hours? But I didn't want to end up some crackhead, so I swallowed my pride and phoned KIDSHELP. They gave me the most needed advice I had ever heard:
"Your mother has chosen "him" and there's nothing you can do." As blunt as the message was, it put a lot of things into perspective. The woman gave me directions to a youth safe house, and I stayed there for half the summer. (We don't need to hear that story, but let's just say I was scared, and elated for the first couple of weeks. Homeless teens have A LOT of issues and drama, but I kept my nose clean when I stayed there and didn't get into TOO much trouble.) In that safe house I balanced summer school, work, and finding a place to stay. But when you're a bitter, angst-ridden teen, your family doesn't really want anything to do with you. Sure I got pity from my grandparents, but they lived too far away. And my uncles had their own families to take care of. It was here that my social worker offered me something called a youth agreement, which basically means the government pays for my own place and groceries until I turn 19. I turn 18 in February 2008, so I'm still living on my own. I haven't spoken to my family, except my younger bro, who goes to the high school near the old house I used to live at. That includes "her".

I'm WAY happier living on my own! It's great. I'm more independent than I ever felt possible, and all my friends are jealous. But I have to lie about who supports me. I can't tell them about my "situation" because I don't want to be pitied by them. But not a day goes by that I don't say to myself, What if...? What if I had just come clean about all the abuse, then maybe she never would have been brainwashed by "Him" and I could have lived a normal life. But I didn't, and I hate her...for everything? I'm not so sure....

There's so much more that I want to say about my life, but there wouldn't be enough room! I'll be blunt. I was abused by my mother's boyfriend all my life, and I hate them both more than anything else in the world. Does that make me some sort of monster?

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I hate my mother; does this make me a monster?

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Dec 28, 2007

You are definitely NOT a monster...
by: Darlene Barriere - webmaster

Daemon, hating your mother DOES NOT make you a monster; it makes you human and hurting. You deserved to have a mother who put you first. You deserved to have a mother who would protect you and keep you safe from harm. You deserved to have a mother who loves and nurtures you. She failed you on all counts, Daemon, and then she chose the man who was abusing you instead of choosing you, her son. She abandoned and betrayed you. Of course you'd be angry and full of hatred. You've earned that anger and hatred.

Let yourself feel that anger. Let yourself feel that hate. Find a constructive outlet for the anger and hate: jogging, martial arts, or some other sport, something that will not harm you or others. And then let it go, Daemon. Let the anger and hatred go. Because the anger and hate will eat you up. It will overtake you and manifest itself in every aspect of your life. You'll become bitter and angrier, and then you'll hate even more. If you hang on to that anger and hate, there is every possibility you'll become the very person you hate the most. You don't want that. You are working too hard to allow what happened to you control you. You are too smart to allow the anger and hate to consume you.

As for the "What if...?" Don't waste time on that one, Daemon. It's pointless. What is, is and what was, was. Asking "What if" will change nothing. The fact is, your mother probably knew "he" was abusing you and still did nothing about it. Think about it; how could she NOT know. There would have been evidence. There would have been signs. Your mother was too weak to step up and do her job. She was too weak to be the kind of mother you should have had. Blunt, but likely true.

Daemon, you will soon be 18 years old. You are living independently. I hope you are in school, or at the very least, obtaining a higher education so that you will truly be independent after you turn 19. Think ahead, Daemon. Another year and a month may seem like a long time, but it isn't. The government cheques will stop before long. Think of your future. I know this from personal experience, Daemon. You see, I too signed an agreement with the government; only my agreement stated I would continue to go to school and work at least part-time in exchange for a monthly cheque that paid for a sleeping room and minimal groceries. It was called a "stipend" in those years (more than 30 years ago), but it followed the same principle. I know how hard things can get, but don't squander the chance the government system has provided you. You're worth too much to waste any part of your life. Take care of yourself better than anyone else ever has.

I have nothing but respect for you, Daemon, and I sincerely wish you all the best the future has to offer.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Dec 28, 2007

NOT A MONSTER AT ALL
by: Brian

Daemon

You are not a monster,the feelings of hate,you have are completely normal given your situation.It is parents duty to protect their children from abuse.

When a parent neglects this obligation and even though they are not the one being abusive towards the child involved.The child being abused becomes confused as to why their Mom or Dad is not protecting them from this abuse, and in turn becomes hateful towards them.

Like you I left home before I was 17,and I hated everybody and especially adults with authority.It took me a long time to learn to trust anyone.

I'm happy to hear you took yourself out of that abusive situation.

Please use the resources available to you,this will help you understand and overcome the abuse.

You are so young,and have a whole lifetime ahead and I know you can do it,believe in yourself and you will achieve anything you set your mind too.

Today I'm in my 50th yr and I have three beautiful children to whom I love and cherish and they return that love.

You can get pass the abuse,just believe.

You have my love and support,and you are in my prayers.

Mar 02, 2008

okay....
by: Andrea

WOW.....

May 02, 2008

Thank You
by: Daemon

Your words are kind, and I will take care of myself better than they did. I deserve it, and it took your comments for me to truly understand that.

Feb 06, 2009

kno what you mean
by: me2

***Edited by Darlene Barriere - Webmaster for inappropriate content***

its rough...parents always push the angle of

"where/there your parents your suppose to love me no matter what..."

"it says so in the bible..."

even worse when uncles + auntys and what not come in and say "you should respect your mother/father...
shouldnt hold a grudge..."

morbid when 'friends' say "you shouldnt hate your mother/father... shouldnt talk back to your mother/father... should do whatever your mother/father say..."

lately i got kicked out too and i would of wound up on the streets no money no clothes no food if it werent for a dad who actually did care. took me a long time to beleive him tho.

Now that your out of there you've got to make somthin of yourself and you gotta do it by yourself; monster or not, and all people can do is give advice (on the internet in a forum), hope knowing someone else who knows what its like helps.

- goodluck

Note to me2 from Darlene: I hear your anger and hostility; you've earned every bit of it, me2. And while I can appreciate the place you are in right now with regard to your mother (I've been in that exact same place, so I really do know), this site is not the place for such profanity, especially when these comment pages are meant to provide validation, support and encouragement to the person who wrote their story. I trust you understand my position here.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Mar 27, 2009

it gets better...step moms
by: chel

hi im a step mom, and i hope to god that i never ever behaved liked that, i found it VERY DIFFICULT to start but now i love them like my own, they are 15 and 11 and i hope im doin ok.

Mar 28, 2009

You're NOT a monster
by: Anonymous

They are the monsters. You are a person with value and worth. If they can't see, that, **** 'em. You are doing a great job on your own. You don't need parents to "turn out" well. My sister and I came from the same mother and father, and we are polar opposites. My mother abused me because she was trying to change me into what she wanted and make sure she "raised me right". Let me tell you something... I would have become who I am today with or without her, because I have been the same person from day one, the same kid she always said was never good enough, the same kid she picked on and put down and beat. I don't speak to her today, but if I did have a message for her it would be that no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't change me and I'm proud of what I've become. The only thing I'm ashamed of is being related to her. You are not a monster for your feelings- they did terrible things to you. You have a right to feel the way that you do. Just don't let it stop you from becoming who you want to be.

May 20, 2009

I have wondered the same about myself
by: Anonymous

I hated myself for a long time for hating my mom. My situation wasn't exactly the same but very simillar. My mother was the abuser. She kicked me out when I was 15 and took my 4 siblings (my best friends) to the other side of the country. My mother died before I could come to terms with her to her face, but the hate eventually faded into acceptance. Finding closure with my mom helped me to remember some of the good times that I had with her. Be very thankful that you were able to stay in school and away from drugs. Keep heading in the right direction and things will get better.

Jun 06, 2009

I understand
by: Anonymous

You're not at fault! I have a very similar situation. I have never liked my mother. We are opposites. I totally wish her the best and want her to have friends and a good life...put she is her own worst enemy! I have a time limit with her and it is usually a couple of hours and that is it. What hurts is that she wants to destroy my life and make me unhappy. That would make her happy. She is also jealous of my friendships. She has tried to do this in several different ways. Interfering in my marriage etc. We have our own lives to live and cannot be stopped even if it happens to be your mother.

Jun 09, 2009

i think the step dad turned your mom into a monster
by: Anonymous

Hi < I dont know if ther was younger kids involved.Im the mother, My daughters real father didnt care. I married again, had 3 sons. M y daughter just didnt fit in the new family.She wanted to be numner 1. well guess what shit happens.I loved my daughter. But my daughter blames me for not having a father. Her real dad left her and i . Dont blame me.

Jun 09, 2009

try not to hate anyone
by: Anonymous

my mom was bypolar,she had a great time bitting
the s.... out of me. i expected a hug from her
she gave me one,when i was 17,after i found a
job at age 14 and supported her and my mentally
retarded brother and he was ill on account of
how she abused him while he was a baby. i had
to go to night school and finish high school
and later college against her will.One day I
took my brother to an institution and she then
got ill with cancer and died , i am now 63 yrs
old i am often sad when i think of her,
i had panic attacks for a while and never had
anything to do with drugs or alcohol,so dont
waste your time and deal with that hate,you
know she is not worth it,do not let her ruin
your life.

try not to hate anyone

Jun 20, 2009

God I understand
by: Anonymous

My situation is a bit different but it still sucks, my parents divorced when I was about 9 months old, my father was a dead beat he never contribute or supported me and my sister, my mother was never there, she was always working which I guess is good in a way, however she left us with either my uncle or my grandma which were both big time alcaholics or my aunt which had a n alcoholic husband and had constant parties which included lots of pornography, or my dad which was a male slutt going out with all kinds of lo life women that where into drugs, so as you can see my mothers naiveness and neglect or blindness to everything around her made it very hard on me and my sister, I have never met a person in so much denial as my mother, she playes the inoscent game and she is very good at telling me how irresponsible of a person I have become after she pretty much ruins my life, I'm not sure If I was sexualy molested, maybe I just dont remember, but it just seems weird to me how I started mastubating at age 5, to me that just is not normal.

I was terrorized in school for 10 yrs, and it afected my self esteem, I ofcourse am an alcoholic, did drugs for a while, the father of my child abused me, and to top it all off my daughter is Autistic, oh! and I almost forgot, my sister does not talk to me because she just considers me a total f**k up.

The father of my child is a deadbeat and is ashamed of having a child with autism, his family feels the same way so they want no part in her life, I have gotten used to the devestation of the circumstances, but it took me a while;

I made the decision of asking my mother to move in with me when the father of my child decided he wanted no part in our lifes, I asked my mother to help me out and to look after my daughter while i'm at work, in the past 4 yrs it has been nothing but arguments, I find that whenever my mom leaves to visit relatives or I find myself alone with my daughter, I feel a sence of calm and I feel free, even though taking care of an autistic child can be overwhelming, it still feels better than the duisfunction and after effects of my childhood, but now it's too late, I cant tell my mom to just leave, I'm not that kind of person, I just hope some day I can find peace with myself and allow myself to heal. The recentment against my mother is overwhelming at times, it consumes my spirit.

Jul 08, 2009

if ur a monster then i am too
by: kitti b

I hate my mother too. I don't care who says it's wrong to say it they have not been through what I have been with that woman. She seems to only have interest in me just before pay day or if she is sure I have some money. She never takes my side in ANYTHING. My sister has always been the skinny pretty baby and i've always been the fat child. I was never expected to be anything other than the one who worked and gave everyone money but then I found someone to love me and we got married and had a baby and with that came all the horrible stuff from my mother. My sister cant keep a man to save her life mainly because she keeps cheating on them with...ANY man that smiles at her, she has four kids and no fathers can't hold down a job and was married for only a few months. My mother acts as though I don't deserve the life I have. My husband has a very good job that pays really well and my daughter and I want for nothing. My mother seems to be jealous of me on my sister's behalf...when I got married she even demanded that my husband take care of my sister's kids financially...there is so much to tell but I don't want to get into the volumes of it right now. stay strong...just because someone gives birth doesnt mean that they can be a great mom.

Jul 12, 2009

I hear you!
by: Anonymous

Reading your story was like a mirror to my own life. The only difference is that I am a woman, and it was my mother who was the monster. She moved in with a man 15 years her junior (unemployed and ignorant as a tool). She was addicted to prescription drugs and alcohol, frequently giving me and my sister the silent treatment, or yelling at us. I moved out when I was 17. Now she has dymensia, and we have to take care of her. I hate her even more, and I still feel guilty.

Aug 28, 2009

i too hate my mother currently(hopefully not forever) is this wrong?
by: lc14

i read your story and understood it perfectly because in a way it relates to me or how i feel, but there is also a lot of differences that would make any sane person say that i shouldn't have any reason to hate my mother but the fact of the matter is that even though my mother is not as horrible or to tell you the truth even come close to some of the experiences read here its the little things that make me resent her. I think since i turned around ten or maybe when i had any form of rationalization(when i started thinking on my own and coming up with my own conclusions to things)is when the constant fighting started happening, everyday since then has been an ongoing bickering and nagging about this and that which make my life revolve around this one thing "me and my mothers problems", for you to understand my feelings i guess i would have to give you some form of background but the thing is that i don't have any horrible story to tell,i mean nothing life-changing or as dramatic as others, my life can pretty much be summed up like this: i was born in Cuba, my father left when i was three cause my mother found him cheating(that was the end of that...only seen him a couple of times since then),she got the opportunity to come to the U.S... she was doubtful at first but then thought of having nothing to feed me and how i would not have a future there and decided to come,once here we had had it rough even though we had family here they all closed their doors on us but i guess it was more hard on her than on me because i really don't remember much of it if not any of it, well now as i type this i think of how i remember only what i resent my mother for and not what she was doing for us...for "me", but honestly i forgave her for not ever being around because as an Hispanic woman not knowing English she had to take the jobs that came and they weren't very good ones often involving working at dry cleaning places or bakery which limited her to see me only at night and i can imagine how hard it must have felt to go from being a teacher someone respected and who had knowledge to someone who cleans your stained shorts or makes your cakes by just migrating from one place to another,i know i got a little off subject but as i type this out I'm also reading it in my mind its almost weird....

Aug 28, 2009

continued
by: lc15

I'm not typing at my best, not checking any grammar ,not concentrating on my format I'm just typing...in a way to find out why it is that i feel,because I'm really not sure what it is that i feel for my mother but in typing this i think ill know why i feel this way, well anyways back to the story of my life she then met my current step dad which i accepted and have called dad ever since, everything that i wanted(not in a spoiled kid kind of way but more in like I'm stating that she never refused to anything that i as a kid wanted to have, i think she enjoyed that joy of seeing me happy with something she had bought) was given to me, she always took care of me when i was sick, i guess to some it up even more she did and keeps on doing what a good mother does, but the thing that i think will make me never get along with my mother is that she has never and i mean never been the kind of person to seats down and talks to you about something you did wrong, or ground you...punish you... or anything of that matter in the way a normal person/parent would, no instead she resorts to cursing, telling me I'm a failure when i get bad grades or f up, telling me I'm just like my father was with his mother( she hinted in one of our arguments that my grandmother may have died because of the pain and suffering my dad made her feel)and the list goes on to bigger and more things including one day spitting at me because she saw me make a fist and wanted to see if i would hit her. The part that i hate about it the most is that the next day my mother acts like nothing happened and keeps on doing what a normal mom does asking me if i ate already, telling me to go to sleep or ill miss the bus( you know those little things that make you feel like you have a mother, but never once have the things that have been said ever been forgotten in my head, and she has never apologized for any of them, and as much as i try....i too can not stay mad at her for to long and start acting around her like a regular son would....until our next fight when something new is said and so the story continues.... and Ive gotten to the point to all i want to do now is finish my senior year (taking some AP classes this year see if i get into UCF) and then not have anything to do with my mother and just move out, but in the end it scares me to think that i feel this way about my mother about such little things, and wish there was someone out there that could tell me what kind of situation this is or can help me understand why my mother does or says the thing she does.... i know my father has nothing to do with it,that was just one example of one of the big things my mom has said that have made hate her, so its not one of those she sees me in him kind of things , its more... she criticizes everything i do and is never happy with what i do kid of things , and when i do something i could have done it better, also she can never say any advice to me that i like...

Aug 28, 2009

continued
by: lc16

i mean all of it sounds like she sees me as a f up and that i need to do exactly as she says. sorry if i didn't type this in a good format to read the thing is this only took me about two or three minutes to type because as i was typing i think i was putting some sort of emotion into it, I'm also sorry that i didn't answer the question with this... the thing is that i typed in "i hate my mother does this make me bad?" in goggle and this came up, i read it and felt it was very well written and a question that i have been asking my self for a while, i am also 17 years old currently and would like some advice. thank you.

From Darlene Barriere - Webmaster: lc16, I feel and understand the pain you're in, but I cannot give you advice. I've suspended my Ask Darlene feature because there aren't enough hours in the day for me to continue. I can only give you space to vent. If others who have already posted on this thread read your post, perhaps can offer some words of encouragement. Thank you for your understanding.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Oct 12, 2009

Everyone
by: Daemon

I read your comments, its been 2 years since I wrote that. Its strange and nostalgic to see myself back then writing the most personal thing about me for all to see. But now Im glad I wrote it because you all took the time to comment and read it. Thank you, all I can say back is that I feel all of your pain more than you can ever know. I'm 19 now, can you believe that? I wouldn't have believed in myself becoming who I am today if I had been asked only a couple of years ago. But I got through my pain, and even though once in a while I feel sad or lonely about my choice, I stand by it because I know it was the right decision. Make your choices in this life, don't worry about "right" or "wrong" just do what YOU want to do.
Be Well.
D. Greening

From Darlene: Daemon, I'm delighted that you've updated my visitors and me, and that you are doing well. You've come through the adversity with such wisdom...you can be very proud of that, and of the person you've turned out to be. Keep staying strong and keep staying true to yourself.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Nov 22, 2009

unfortunately it does not end that simple and that fast
by: Anonymous

I am 46, moderately successful, professional, languages, decent carier, the nine yards. Yet my mother - 76 now - still poisons my life. It is not her fault - her mother was very cold, did not like her daughters (3) and doted on her only son (long dead).
The classical middle class family, quite normal - on the surface. Fighting and insulting each other constantly in private. My mother never in her life admitted anything in her life was her fault - everything was always somebody's else doing: husband, people at work, myself, relatives. I have never - not a single time - heard her saying "I mad a mistake, I was a fool doing that. I was wrong". I never even realized that till I grew up and started thinking back. Way too late, unfortunately. I wonder how many children are there who do not even realize they are abused because beatings for an "o'k" mark at school, verbal abuse, constant scandals at home seem such a normal part of the life...
Mother has been a medical drug addict for years now, coping with life was always too complicated.
The worst thing is that I realize that she is - otherwise- quite healthy and could live another 5-8 years easily.
I have a life long fear of relationships, I hate seeing somebody in my territory for more than a short time, the idea of having a family always made me terrified. Again, I came to be aware of all those things too late. I am Russian - there is no history of helping children here, and practically no awareness of what it means of being abused in the family.
I am waiting for her death - I hope she dies before me. The thing that I do not like is that I actually stopped feeling anything and I know perfectly well her death won't change anything. But at least there will be some quiet and peace without her presence even at a distance.
My advice to anyone who is younger - based on my personal experience - if it is available, seek help and try to completely separate yourself from your parent as early as possible. Pretend they are dead early - then you might not need to wish them dead 30 years later. And you might keep your ability to feel normal human feelings.

Nov 22, 2009

Happy For You Daemon
by: Brian

It makes me happy too see you have gained your independence and freedom giving you the wisdom and strength to move forward to having wonderful life.

At 19 you have your whole life ahead of you. I wish you well in all your future endeavors and please remember that were here for you and were proud of what you have achieved in your life at such a young age.

I have a 18 yr old daughter who just started university this yr, and a 21 yr old son who is in his last yr of university. I've seen what they can achieve by supporting them and loving them unconditionally.

Keep up the great work and remain strong and use the wisdom you have gained wisely and you will achieve anything you set out to do, and the world will be in your hands

Brian

Nov 28, 2009

I know this is pretty late...
by: Anonymous

Well, I know the comment is pretty late and no one will read it, but oh well.

Well, I'm not going to go into detail about my life or anything. I just wanted to say I can definitely relate to you on some level. And I'm still waiting for it to get better for me. I just turned 18 a few days ago, and I'll be getting a job pretty soon. (In Jan. hopefully).

But good for you for getting a better life for yourself.

Mar 18, 2010

Keep your momentum
by: Mike

Daemon-

I am inspired by your resilience! I am 40 and wish I could say I am navigating my life as deftly as you are!

My story is different from yours in many aspects: I thought my family was normal for all of my young life. I was a 'spirited' child, not hateful or disrespectful, but curious enough to often ignore social norms at times. I was often accused, or rumored to be involved in, all sorts of criminal or antisocial activities in the /ittle town I grew up in. Supposedly I was a drug dealer (before I had ever even seen illicit drugs), an arsonist ( I don't ever remember any suspicious fires In our town.) , and many other things that I am still learning of to this day. I never denied or confirmed any of these things, enjoying the badass status they were giving me ( I was a scrawny kid who wouldn't have gotten much attention otherwise.) I also was rebelling against the lack of support I got from my parents, who worried more about their embarrassment than their son being falsely accused of something. I figured," Screw them, let 'em think what they want. My friends know me." I didn't understand what was happening to my self esteem from the knowledge that my family would rather throw me to the wolves than defend me.

Mar 18, 2010

CONTINUED
by: Mike (cont)

Forward a couple of decades. I have a great career in pediatrics, two beautiful children, a huge house in an upscale neighborhood, and a wife who is admired by everyone in my family. Everyone except me. At some point, I realized that she was never wrong and got orgasmic pleasure from magnifying all of my foibles (God knows she didn't get that pleasure anywhere else.) Long story short, we were married eight years, four or five of them happy.

One day, I had just finished a 70- foot brick walkway and dry-stacked stone wall in front of our home. We got an estimate of $22,000; I DIY'd it for just over $2,000. It was beautiful! As I opened a beer and sat on the wall to admire it, she came out and said,"Nice. Took you long enough, but I guess it was a good excuse to buy all those new tools, huh?"

Without turning around or realizing the significance of what I was about to say, I asked her why, if she despised me so, did she want me around? She giggled and went inside.

The next day, a marshall came to the hospital and served me divorce papers, then am hour later, the police came and served me a summons for a domestic violence charge. I was not allowed to go my home until I appeared before the court. Two days later, I was notified that my children had been examined at the sexual abuse clinic. I was notified ny my boss, who heard about it through gossip at a meeting.

When I went to court, imagine my surprise to see my parents with my wife, refusing to look at me.

So yes, I hate my mother, but more than that I hate that I spent all those years foolishly thinking (pretending?) that I was loved.

It's been 4 years and I have healed some, but not nearly as well as you have, Daemon. I get in funks over everyday thongs and am a bastard to be around sometimes. I thank God that I haven't turned to alcohol, as there is a strong family history, but at the same time I wish there was a way for me to escape the anger, like they can. There are more and more good days as time goes on, but not enough. And not fast enough. I find strength from my children, my patient, loving girlfriend, and the few friends I have left.

I don't even know you, Daemon, but I find it disturbing that it's easier for me to hope for your good future than mine. You are obviously an articulate, empathetic, and insightful young man. I hope you realize the odds you've beaten with your will alone. You are destined for great things. Admire, everyday, your ability to pull yourself up by the bootstraps! When the day comes that you no longer need to, pull on someone else's. Caring for oneself is painful, but doing the same for others is incredibly rewarding. You have my deepest admiration.

Please excuse the typos- I posted from my phone.

Mar 25, 2010

no your not a monster
by: Anonymous

when I was under five it was before I started school I was raped beat up and put in a box in the shop by my Father. This happen my whole life my mother was fearful of him and would wait till he go to work and drag me out of there and give me a bath and put me to bed. He never touched my two younger sisters just me. One night my sister woke me up crying and he was raping my mohter. I was now 13 years old and I pulled back the covers and when my feet hit the floor I was no longer a little girl fearful of him. I walked down that hall way and open the door of there bedroom he was on top of her and he was putting a cig in to her mouth with the phone cord wraped around her neck. I pull him off her and he hit the floor. I started to kick the hell out of him. He pack up and walk out on us. I love to say my life was better after that but it wasn't My mother was crying and she was worry that we run out of food so I took things from the store to feed the kids. I called my sister she was 15 years older than me when they were going to kick us out of our home. she got us on aid and we moved in with her. My mother was dieing she had only a year to live. My sister had three kids of her own and we all lived him a two bedroom apartment in a bad town. My sister bought home this guy he was really nice to all us. But one day he attack me and said that if I didn't let him he leave us and we could all die here. he said that my mother could go to a good hosipal and he buy us a home. so I let him but it was really bad. My mother did go to a good hosipal but she did die and he did buy us a home. But when I wouldn't come home but would sleep in cars that weren't locked. He kick me out. I was on drugs drunk all the time and ran with some bad people. I met some one and he was good to me. I had three daughters. But he was sick too and he leave for days. My daughters grow up I didn't know how to be a mother so I gave them ever thing and was a slave to them. I did end my marries to him he was a flasher to teens and old women. My daughters have blame me for ever thing in there lifes. I did nothing right as far as they see it. They don't understand abuse they don't see how much it hurts that they think my fears control me am MPD. I do my best to live. But dame I wish they could understand how painful my life was. to just give me a break.

May 20, 2010

help!!!!!!!!!!
by: Anonymous

As i sit here reading this i have just finished putting my fist through a mirror instead of my mom, she is schizophrenic, amongst other things...my dad was a piece of s**t till he found out he was dieing then ne changed his tune after he f***ed up the whole family.....I feel bad for my mom how funny is that. So she lives with me....After years of abuse from her, and my father, wtf am i thinking? I do hate her.And I am not ashamed to say it please write back to me. I am drowning.I also wish she would pass away and then i feel like the only thing i ever did my whole life is take care of her so what will i do when she passes away will i be normal? signed Cinderella

From Darlene: Anonymous, I truly sympathize with your situation, but I must be honest with you: this is not an open forum where you can expect a response on a comment. I've made an exception here, but there is nothing I can do to help you given the thousands of pleas I receive on this site. If you are still a minor, I suggest you contact one of the hotlines listed on my stories page, depending on where you live, in order to talk to someone confidentially. I do wish you all the best.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

May 26, 2010

no
by: Anonymous

my lifes kinda effed up like urs to. im sorry tho. but dont blame ur mother for everything, she had a hard time to. just look back on ur past and when you have children, treat them right. encorage them and be a good parent

Jul 05, 2010

You're fine!
by: Anonymous

Parents can be toxic. I hate my mother, too. She ruined my childhood and is somehow managing to destroy my adulthood with her interference and guilt trips. Screw them!

Aug 22, 2010

I hate her more with every day
by: C

I have been asking myself if I am consumed with hate, if I will ever forgive her. I have tried religion, faith and still I am growing more distant to her. Her voice makes my skin crawl, her painting make me want to spit at her face, and her manipulating words still haunt me. She knows how to twist everything people say to her. Thing is I have been the only one to be honest with her so she treats me the worst.

People around her, her friends, her family and our immediate family all talk about her. They say to me what they wish they could say to her. That she is selfish, playing a victim role, a prescription drug addict and manipulator.

She was not always this way. Growing up it was just she and I. My father was not in the picture till I was a preteen when they decided to ?get together? and then my sibling was born. After that they split up for the umpteenth time and then got back together by the time I entered college and my other sibling was born. The only thing that has gone right in their relationship is they make good babies.

Since I was born I have been my mother?s best friend. In an unhealthy way I was told everything that was on her mind. What she needed early on was a therapist not a child. She has been ?ill? since I was young, and started having many illness since then. These last 6 years or so she has developed an addiction to her pain meds. She is loopy, irritable, moody, abusive, angry, sad and just UNSTABLE all the time. No one wants to tell her she needs to wake up from pill land, but I tell her what is wrong and I am the bad person.

I am tried of being her best friend. I am tried of caring and like I said earlier I have slowly began to hate her. I used to be depressed about the boundary-less relationship I had with her, now there is no relationship. If I don?t say, ?Yes mommy? and stay quiet for an hr while she blames everyone for her unhappiness, then I am a bad daughter. Well she is the monster.

Dec 15, 2010

not a monster-i hate mine too
by: Anonymous

No you're not a monster AT ALL
i hate my mother too. she?s a crazy asian woman. my dad will tell her she looks beautiful ( which she doesnt) and she?ll respond by telling him that he?s her worst mistake and not good enough for him and needs to go eat ****. and then she?ll say something about how she?s way more christian than him and how he?s not godly enough for her.
that?s just the way she is. she?s like that with my whole family and always thinks we?re abusing her when its the otehr way around. she has an awful victim complex. i hate it!
and nothing is ever good enough for her-i skipped a grade, got into a great university, law school etc and she?ll still come by every so often to tell me i?m stupid and lack output and then she?ll say all my flaws are because i dont love god as much as her
seriously if she loved god she wouldnt treat people like that
i?m tired of being treated like i?m 2- i?m not allowed to go out past 10, i can?t hang out with friends ( because apparently all friends are a bad influence), i?m forced to play piano for all her church events etc. i?m 22 for goodness sake.

Jan 24, 2011

no
by: Anonymous

you are not a monster you have every right to be mad i got mad just reading this

May 19, 2011

I can't stand being around my mother does that make me a bad person
by: Anonymous

I can't stand be around my mother, there time I feel hate for her, before she met her ex husband she meant the world to me. We lived together by ourselves until she moved her boy friend in with us. Her boyfriend brought a daughter along. Back then he didn't work. My mom was single getting welfare. He lived off the checks and what my mom made at work. Back then I was 15 years old and dating a older man that I did not love him but he was my escape from my family. My mother wanted me to get married at 16 with a man that i was not in love with. I still loved my mother because I did not see the harm she was doing in making me marry. Now that I'm older I can see that she was more of wife then a mother. After one week of marriage, the monster I married beat me, so I called my mother and she did nothing about it. These incidents continued with my mother knowing he was a crazy abusive guy. My mother never told me to leave him and come home. I had no support from my dad or my mom. To make story short I finally divorced before he could kill me. I notice that my mother when in good terms with her husband she would never call me or anything. My step sister was also kicked out. They were living by themselves at this time. I met my current husband which my mom was fine with because she didn't want me to return home. After she started having problems with her husband she would start budding into my life again. She would always call and bother me. When i had my first son, I didn't know back then but it seems like she wants my son for herself. She wants him around but with not responsibilities, and this was because of het divorce with her husband. They divorced but my step father still controlled her life. He hated me and I hated him. And till this point she still puts him before me. No matter what he did to her she would always put him before me. My mother also saves all the bad things I've done but not what he's done. One thing that I realized is that she made me marry sumone young because she thought that I would take her husband from her. One day my mother mentioned if I was in love with him. Everytime I see my mother we always get into arguments. The last fight she told me to forget I had a mother and she would forget she had a daughter. To be honest I think I don't love her and it's a feeling that I can not help and I feel like this is driving me crazy. My mom is very jealous of me now. She was diagnosed with cancer and inside me I still feel that I dont love her but I can't change this feeling. I feel like she's made me sick. Does this make me a monster of a person? Please help

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I hate my mother; does this make me a monster?

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I hate my mother; does this make me a monster?