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I desperately need help getting through this...

by Rhonda
(Pocahontas, Arkansas, USA)

I'm writing you because I'm out of ideas. I don't know how to get through this. It's every hard for me...My daughter was beaten by her dad, and I took her to the hospital...they took pictures and we are going to court now...but she's having a tough time and I am to...I need some advice how to get through this. It hurts to think about it...I went and picked her up on Christmas Eve night from her dad's house...when we came home, she couldn't walk. I asked what was wrong...she didn't say. I was going to give her a bath, and saw she was covered in bruises...she couldn't walk, she was so sore...she lost hair or got her hair pulled from him...I need help. I'm losing weight from stress like crazy. I cry every day when I come home after taking the kids to school...I need help getting through this...Please help!!!!!

Note from Darlene: My answer to this Ask Darlene question "I desperately need help getting through this..." can be found below.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.

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I desperately need help getting through this...

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Feb 17, 2008
 My heart goes out to you and your daughter...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Rhonda, you, your daughter and the rest of your children need some form of counselling.

Find out what kinds of resources are available to you locally. You're going to court over this; I gather a caseworker and/or Child Advocate (CASA) is involved. Contact the caseworker or Child Advocate to find out what is out there in the form of victim services. Speak with the health care provider from the hospital and the authorities who took the information about your daughter's abuse, as well as your children's school for more resources that might be available to you, your daughter and the rest of your children. A local women's shelter may also be able to provide resources. If you belong to a church that provides counselling services, take advantage of those services. In short, call everyone!

I also urge you to contact Child Help at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453) in order to talk to someone about what has happened to your daughter and to discuss how this is affecting you. They are staffed 24/7 with professionally trained counsellors who will listen to you. Yes, they do speak with parents.

I wish you, your daughter and your other children all the best, Rhonda. I hope you will keep us informed about how things go for you all.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Feb 18, 2008
 Query moved to this comments page:
by: Rhonda

thank you for your advice......and I also have another question on my mind......my daughter is in cancaling and she also thinks that my daughter has been sexual abused...someone called the child hotline twice for her......but we have no proof of it and she won't say anything about it.......she gets very mad when her cancaler talks about it.......what are some good ideas that you might have that I might can tell her cancal? please help if you can thanks again Rhonda
Feb 18, 2008
 My reply to you, Rhonda:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Rhonda, rather than post your question below as a new page, I have moved it here, which is the corresponding comments page to the page that houses your original question. If we use the Comment Form on that page, all is kept in a logical order. I think that works best under the circumstances.

As for your question, I understand why you feel the need to prompt this along. My advice is DON'T. You first need to understand why your daughter will not disclose. Please read through my various sexual abuse, sex abuse victims, and sex offender pages on this site. There is a lot of great information among those pages that will help you to see things through your daughter's perspective. You'll find them listed on the navigation bar at the left margin; there are too many for me to list here and provide the URLs for them.

Whatever you do, DO NOT interrogate your daughter. DO NOT try to force any kind of disclosure. She will disclose if and when she feels safe. Your daughter is inextricably tied to her father in ways that I simply do not have the space here to go into. As a child, she believes that all that is happening, and all that HAS happened to her, is her fault.

I strongly recommend you have a talk with your daughter's counsellor to discuss how you can better help your daughter at home. You both need to be on the same page.

I also strongly recommend that you take care of yourself. Your daughter and the rest of your children blame themselves when they see you stressed and losing weight and unable to cope. They blame themselves because that is the nature of children; they ALWAYS find a way to make all that is going wrong in their lives THEIR fault. The best gift you can give them is to take care of their mother. I believe you need to find a counsellor of your own so that you can get help doing that.

Rhonda, I'm currently out of town for about a week with only limited online access. I'm not in a position to offer ongoing advice. If you haven't already, I do hope you'll contact Child Help. They are an excellent resource.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Feb 19, 2008
 OMG
by: Francine

OMG Rhonda, what a monster your ex-husband really was! How dare he beat and scalp your poor daughter! He will get his karma! If he doesn't ever get prosecuted nor sent to jail, then he is going to be forced to live like that for the rest of his brutal, careless, evil little unimportant life. Awful man!
Feb 21, 2008
 Its going to be Okay
by: Anonymous

It is going to be okay, dont every let your children go back over to that hateful mans house again. He is not a father how dear he put his hands on a child espically his child that is not right and should burn in hell for it. Keep your head up high, and be there for your daughter, put her in counsling you go too. do it together. Love her all your children talk to her dont hold it all in, the pain needs to be exposed. Keep your head up high and be strong.

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