How do I tell my boyfriend my father sexually abused me?

Feb 09, 2008

WHY you want to tell him is as important as HOW
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Staci, let's say you want to tell your boyfriend about the sexual abuse you suffered at the hands of your father, because you are having intimacy problems with your boyfriend. Telling him would be a possible explanation for those problems, and might allay his concerns that he is doing something wrong. He'll need to know right up front that he's done nothing wrong. Indeed, the approach could be offering a rational right off the heels of one of those awkward or difficult intimate moments, perhaps in the bedroom.

If an intimacy problem IS the reason you want to tell him, the approach would be more direct by telling him that the problems you are having stem from what happened to you as a teenager. But Staci, you yourself can't be ashamed or feel guilty over what happened to you. You should first deal with any feelings you have that are along these lines. You were NOT to blame. It WASN'T your fault. YOU need to know that; HE needs to know that.

If you want to tell him because you just want him to know and there are no relationship challenges to explain away, you might use a round-about approach. The reasons behind telling him will dictate the lead-in, the opening, if you will. It might help to get a feel for the way your boyfriend might respond to your disclosure. Open a dialogue over a news item that closely resembles your childhood sexual abuse. Ask him what he thinks of the situation. Take your cues from his answers.

Although your goal is to share with him the details of what happened to you as a 15-year-old, you want to do it in a way and in a place that keeps you feeling safe. A public place is never a good place to share such personal details, and neither is one where there are any other people around. Consider the environment, your surroundings and the privacy factor: a private home, the car, or some other place. Wherever you decide to disclose, find a place where you will feel safe to open up, without worry of someone walking in on you or hearing you.

I don't recommend mixing alcohol with disclosures of this kind. Although a drink can help to release inhibitions, it can also lead to emotions that you might not be in a position to deal with if you're intoxicated.

Whatever your decision, Staci, you and your boyfriend need to understand that child abuse is NEVER the child's fault; and that no matter what you, the victim of sexual abuse did, the shame and blame lies squarely with your father. Both you and your boyfriend need to understand that you did NOTHING wrong, because you did nothing wrong.

I hope you'll let my visitors and I know what your decision was and how things went, Staci.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

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Feb 09, 2008
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Submitted by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

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Staci, let's say you want to tell your boyfriend about the sexual abuse you suffered at the hands of your father, because you are having intimacy problems with your boyfriend. Telling him would be a possible explanation for those problems, and might allay his concerns that he is doing something wrong. He'll need to know right up front that he's done nothing wrong. Indeed, the approach could be offering a rational right off the heels of one of those awkward or difficult intimate moments, perhaps in the bedroom. If an intimacy problem IS the reason you want to tell him, the approach would be more direct by telling him that the problems you are having stem from what happened to you as a teenager. But Staci, you yourself can't be ashamed or feel guilty over what happened to you. You should first deal with any feelings you have that are along these lines. You were NOT to blame. It WASN'T your fault. YOU need to know that; HE needs to know that. If you want to tell him because you just want him to know and there are no relationship challenges to explain away, you might use a round-about approach. The reasons behind telling him will dictate the lead-in, the opening, if you will. It might help to get a feel for the way your boyfriend might respond to your disclosure. Open a dialogue over a news item that closely resembles your childhood sexual abuse. Ask him what he thinks of the situation. Take your cues from his answers. Although your goal is to share with him the details of what happened to you as a 15-year-old, you want to do it in a way and in a place that keeps you feeling safe. A public place is never a good place to share such personal details, and neither is one where there are any other people around. Consider the environment, your surroundings and the privacy factor: a private home, the car, or some other place. Wherever you decide to disclose, find a place where you will feel safe to open up, without worry of someone walking in on you or hearing you. I don't recommend mixing alcohol with disclosures of this kind. Although a drink can help to release inhibitions, it can also lead to emotions that you might not be in a position to deal with if you're intoxicated. Whatever your decision, Staci, you and your boyfriend need to understand that child abuse is NEVER the child's fault; and that no matter what you, the victim of sexual abuse did, the shame and blame lies squarely with your father. Both you and your boyfriend need to understand that you did NOTHING wrong, because you did nothing wrong. I hope you'll let my visitors and I know what your decision was and how things went, Staci. Darlene Barriere Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator Author: <a href="http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/my-story-of-abuse.html"><i>On My Own Terms, A Memoir</i></a>

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How do I tell my boyfriend my father sexually abused me?

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