How do I "get over" the abuse?

How do I "get over" the abuse?

by Kathy
(Sudbury, Ontario, Canada)

I am 47 years of age. When I was 4 years old I was sexually abused by a neighbour, which lasted quite a while. He made me touch him in places that are inappropriate. Then one night, my mother was giving me a bath, and I told her what he was doing. She then told my father and he took actions upon himself. The man lost his job and had to move out of the city. Then when I was 6 or 7, I was molested by a doctor. From the time I was 14 till I was 16, my brother sexually assaulted me. I am an epileptic, and he threatened me by saying no one would ever love someone like myself because I was sick and I would never get married. Every time I see him it all comes back.

I just want to know how to get over it. Right now I am at the point where I just want him to suffer as much as I have. I have been to many psychiatrists, and nothing seems to help. Could you please help me?

Thank You!

Note from Darlene: My answer can be found below.

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How do I "get over" the abuse?

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Jan 24, 2008

Healing MUST come from within
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Kathy, the fact that you continue to see your molesting, and I gather, remorseless brother, may well be one of the reasons you are having difficulty moving on. He is a constant reminder. He has never been made accountable for his crimes against you. Of course you'd want him to suffer as much as you did! That is a totally normal and understandable response. You are still emotionally raw. Every time you see him, that rawness is skinned a little bit more, and the burning pain not only returns; it intensifies.

When you were sexually assaulted by a neighbour and then by a doctor, and then by your brother, of all people, you not only had to deal with the molestations; you also had to deal with the emotional assaults. You were betrayed by trusted, supposedly upstanding adults AND by your BROTHER! And to make matters worse, you were abandoned by the very people in charge of protecting you when they didn't know of or do anything about the sexual assaults going on RIGHT UNDER THEIR NOSES!

Kathy, the right therapist is every bit as important as the therapy itself. But therapy isn't an exact science. Each client is completely unique, even when their pasts are similar. Each of us comes with different coping mechanisms, different and varying degrees of tolerance, and yes, expectations. The purpose of therapy is to help the person deal with the emotions that are left over from the abusive past. A good therapist will teach you the tools necessary to recognize when those emotions tend to crop up, and then what to do with them when they do. Self-talk is an integral part of the healing process. As time goes on, the person gets better and better at dealing with those emotions, and eventually may even find that the emotions seldom, if ever, crop up. But Kathy, you have to understand that no therapist is ever going to teach you to "get over" the assaults that were committed against you, because "getting over them" isn't the goal.

I cannot give you one answer that will help you along the road toward healing and recovery, because there isn't one definable answer. Nor do I have the space in this forum to provide a comprehensive answer. What I will say is that I found my own answers in the office of a psychiatrist, but I also had to take responsibility for my own therapy and healing. I had to "draw a line in the sand" during many times in my life in order to both protect myself and to treat myself with the dignity and respect that I never got as a child. One of the line drawings was severing my relationship with my maliciously abusive mother. You might have to consider something similar with your brother.

And just for the record, your brother was WRONG; you ARE lovable and deserving of respect. Treat yourself in a way that is lovable and respectful. You're worth it.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

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Jan 24, 2008
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Submitted by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

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Kathy, the fact that you continue to see your molesting, and I gather, remorseless brother, may well be one of the reasons you are having difficulty moving on. He is a constant reminder. He has never been made accountable for his crimes against you. Of course you'd want him to suffer as much as you did! That is a totally normal and understandable response. You are still emotionally raw. Every time you see him, that rawness is skinned a little bit more, and the burning pain not only returns; it intensifies. When you were sexually assaulted by a neighbour and then by a doctor, and then by your brother, of all people, you not only had to deal with the molestations; you also had to deal with the emotional assaults. You were betrayed by trusted, supposedly upstanding adults AND by your BROTHER! And to make matters worse, you were abandoned by the very people in charge of protecting you when they didn't know of or do anything about the sexual assaults going on RIGHT UNDER THEIR NOSES! Kathy, the right therapist is every bit as important as the therapy itself. But therapy isn't an exact science. Each client is completely unique, even when their pasts are similar. Each of us comes with different coping mechanisms, different and varying degrees of tolerance, and yes, expectations. The purpose of therapy is to help the person deal with the emotions that are left over from the abusive past. A good therapist will teach you the tools necessary to recognize when those emotions tend to crop up, and then what to do with them when they do. Self-talk is an integral part of the healing process. As time goes on, the person gets better and better at dealing with those emotions, and eventually may even find that the emotions seldom, if ever, crop up. But Kathy, you have to understand that no therapist is ever going to teach you to "get over" the assaults that were committed against you, because "getting over them" isn't the goal. I cannot give you one answer that will help you along the road toward healing and recovery, because there isn't one definable answer. Nor do I have the space in this forum to provide a comprehensive answer. What I will say is that I found my own answers in the office of a psychiatrist, but I also had to take responsibility for my own therapy and healing. I had to "draw a line in the sand" during many times in my life in order to both protect myself and to treat myself with the dignity and respect that I never got as a child. One of the line drawings was severing my relationship with my maliciously abusive mother. You might have to consider something similar with your brother. And just for the record, your brother was WRONG; you ARE lovable and deserving of respect. Treat yourself in a way that is lovable and respectful. You're worth it. Darlene Barriere Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator Author: <a href="http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/my-story-of-abuse.html">On My Own Terms, A Memoir</a>

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Jan 24, 2008

Getting over abuse
by: Zoompad

Hello Kathy,

I was abused as well, and suffered years of mental anguish. I used to cry a lot.

Like you, it wasn't just one person who abused me. It started with my brother, then when the social services were called in because of me locking myself in the bedroom and screaming, it went on to institutional abuse.

I'm a Christian now, and that helps me. I do believe that people will reap what they sow in the end.

I had to learn to stop feeling guilty, it was mad because I kept wanting to blame myself for the abuse. I have also stopped myself from bashing myself, by saying to myself "you are stupid" or "you are fat and greedy" (I have comfort eating problems) and things like that. I tell myself that I'm not any of those things, and when I overeat, I say to myself, "Never mind, tomorrow is another day, you only did it because you were trying to make yourself feel nice, and got muddled up with all that food instead". It's really important that you learn to love yourself and be nice to yourself.

I am sure that you will feel happy one day, but you will never forget that you were abused. I personally don't want to forget - it is part of my history, and I do not want to cut chunks of my life story out. I want my life to make sense instead.

Horses are helpful to me as well. I go to see some horses every week, and sometimes I have a ride. Horses are calming to me, because they are big, powerful and yet gentle. I love them.

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Jan 24, 2008
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Submitted by: Zoompad

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Hello Kathy, I was abused as well, and suffered years of mental anguish. I used to cry a lot. Like you, it wasn't just one person who abused me. It started with my brother, then when the social services were called in because of me locking myself in the bedroom and screaming, it went on to institutional abuse. I'm a Christian now, and that helps me. I do believe that people will reap what they sow in the end. I had to learn to stop feeling guilty, it was mad because I kept wanting to blame myself for the abuse. I have also stopped myself from bashing myself, by saying to myself "you are stupid" or "you are fat and greedy" (I have comfort eating problems) and things like that. I tell myself that I'm not any of those things, and when I overeat, I say to myself, "Never mind, tomorrow is another day, you only did it because you were trying to make yourself feel nice, and got muddled up with all that food instead". It's really important that you learn to love yourself and be nice to yourself. I am sure that you will feel happy one day, but you will never forget that you were abused. I personally don't want to forget - it is part of my history, and I do not want to cut chunks of my life story out. I want my life to make sense instead. Horses are helpful to me as well. I go to see some horses every week, and sometimes I have a ride. Horses are calming to me, because they are big, powerful and yet gentle. I love them.

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Jan 24, 2008

helpr
by: Anonymous

i think that you should just ignore him because your better than that. they thought they were so cool that they had to harm a poor inasint child. i am so sorry about what happend to you.

Jan 27, 2008

CRAZY!!!
by: Anonymous

omg...i cant believe your own brother did that to you..there supposed to be their sisters protectors and someone who you can trust. omg im so bothered by that and im only 16 years old. i cant beleive you went through that. my prayers are with you...much luv

Jan 29, 2008

do not cry over spilt milk
by: Anonymous

I think uoy should migrate or go somewhere else which is far away from your brother . Just forget thet he even existed. Do not in your life see/meet him again as it will make you reminise about the past.

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How do I "get over" the abuse?

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How do I "get over" the abuse?