How do I get my daughter to disclose if she was abused?

How do I get my daughter to disclose if she was abused?

by Cassie
(Texas, USA)

My oldest daughter was sexually abused by her paternal grandmother. We have addressed the issue and she is currently in play therapy. We are in the process of the trial now. However, my youngest daughter is now developing issues (for about a year or so) with severe anger and hostility. This anger is directed mainly at me and my oldest daughter.

She does not know my oldest daughter was sexually abused, but she does know the grandmother hurt her sister (both children are now 7 and 8 years old). I am afraid she was also abused, but I do not know how to find out without telling her that her sister was abused or without "implanting" false memories. How can I find out or gain disclosure in a manner which would not implicate the abuse her sister endured?

Over the past two years she has wet the bed on several occasions (something her sister also did), is extremely angry and violent (hitting me and her sister, yelling, screaming, banging her head against the wall, lashing out at others) and has shown signs of low self-esteem. These issues trigger the notion and signs of sexual abuse. Now, neither girl has seen their paternal grandmother in three years—except for two occasions, which resulted in modifications of visitation orders (for their biological father) after I found out they had been around her.

Her behavior worries me. I wonder if she is not attempting to tell me something has indeed happened, but is afraid to actually disclose.

Initial reply from Darlene: I first want to say how very sorry I am to learn that your daughter was sexually abused and that your family is now in the throes of a court case. A trial is a very trying experience for adults; it can be even more traumatizing for children. With such emotional turmoil in the home, children see how pained the adults are in their lives, the adults they depend on for all their physical and emotional needs. Then they blame themselves for all that is wrong around them, because that is the nature of children. Whether or not your youngest daughter was also sexually abused, I cannot say. Her behaviour and physical signs may indeed be reflective of abuse, but they may also be how she is dealing with the situation at hand.

Children are extremely intuitive. They don't have the language or understanding capabilities, but their other senses are highly acute. They can read body language and emotional upheaval in someone they love in the blink of an eye. Children have radar for any kind of tension in the home...then they tell themselves, "It's all my fault."

But because children can't articulate what they are feeling, they often lash out at the very people they love the most.

Your eldest daughter is in play therapy. This type of therapy has been shown to be beneficial under such circumstances. Play therapy may also be a good idea for your youngest daughter. If not play therapy, some other form of counselling. The remainder of my answer to this Ask Darlene question "How do I get my daughter to disclose if she was abused?" can be found below.

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How do I get my daughter to disclose if she was abused?

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Mar 30, 2008

Report your suspicions...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Cassie, you obviously suspect your 7-year-old was abused, so I strongly urge you to report your suspicions, and tell why you suspect sexual abuse. Let an investigator speak to your daughter. They are trained in how to deal with such cases, so leave it to them to do their job.

So, to answer your question: "How can I find out or gain disclosure in a manner which would not implicate the abuse her sister endured?" The simple answer is: You don't, for a number of reasons. You already recognize that you are not trained to obtain responses from a child who may have been abused; that's a big plus, Cassie. The fact that you are 'asking' rather than 'acting' is a very good thing.

You don't know for certain that your youngest daughter was sexually abused. Yes, it is very possible, and yes, I understand how and why you are jumping to this conclusion—the signs are the same as those your other daughter exhibited. But children can easily be manipulated, so to ask outright or to ask in a way that is suggestive would not necessarily lead to a true disclosure, even if she had been abused. Furthermore, if you do try to and then succeed at "obtaining" a disclosure, you could hurt any chances of a conviction later on, if the person was eventually charged.

I don't know the laws or the way the system works in Texas, but I would think there is a child advocate involved with your other daughter, perhaps a CASA, or a case worker with Social Services or Child Protection Services. With a pending case against your girls' paternal grandmother, I would think the prosecution would also want to hear of any other possible cases. Also, check into any Witness or Victim Support Services that may be available to you and your daughters. And don't forget your daughter's school counsellor. S/he may be able to provide additional resources. But at the very least, the school should be made aware of what is going on with regard to the court case and your suspicions.

As I stated in my initial reply, I believe your youngest daughter would benefit from counselling. If you can find a counsellor who specializes in the area of children who were abused, that would be ideal.

Keep showing your love to your daughters. Keep the home as "normal" as possible. Try not to let the court case become the "norm." Remember, all that is trying will pass. Stay in the here and now with your girls. Take your lead from them, in the moment. Take things as they come. Stay calm in the presence of your daughters, regardless of what happens or what is disclosed; if you must, have a nervous breakdown later, away from your girls.

The best gift you can give to your children is to take good care of their mother, Cassie. I urge you to seek out some form of counselling as well.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

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Mar 30, 2008
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Submitted by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

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Cassie, you obviously suspect your 7-year-old was abused, so I strongly urge you to report your suspicions, and tell why you suspect sexual abuse. Let an investigator speak to your daughter. They are trained in how to deal with such cases, so leave it to them to do their job. So, to answer your question: "How can I find out or gain disclosure in a manner which would not implicate the abuse her sister endured?" The simple answer is: You don't, for a number of reasons. You already recognize that you are not trained to obtain responses from a child who may have been abused; that's a big plus, Cassie. The fact that you are 'asking' rather than 'acting' is a very good thing. You don't know for certain that your youngest daughter was sexually abused. Yes, it is very possible, and yes, I understand how and why you are jumping to this conclusion—the signs are the same as those your other daughter exhibited. But children can easily be manipulated, so to ask outright or to ask in a way that is suggestive would not necessarily lead to a true disclosure, even if she had been abused. Furthermore, if you do try to and then succeed at "obtaining" a disclosure, you could hurt any chances of a conviction later on, if the person was eventually charged. I don't know the laws or the way the system works in Texas, but I would think there is a child advocate involved with your other daughter, perhaps a CASA, or a case worker with Social Services or Child Protection Services. With a pending case against your girls' paternal grandmother, I would think the prosecution would also want to hear of any other possible cases. Also, check into any Witness or Victim Support Services that may be available to you and your daughters. And don't forget your daughter's school counsellor. S/he may be able to provide additional resources. But at the very least, the school should be made aware of what is going on with regard to the court case and your suspicions. As I stated in my initial reply, I believe your youngest daughter would benefit from counselling. If you can find a counsellor who specializes in the area of children who were abused, that would be ideal. Keep showing your love to your daughters. Keep the home as "normal" as possible. Try not to let the court case become the "norm." Remember, all that is trying will pass. Stay in the here and now with your girls. Take your lead from them, in the moment. Take things as they come. Stay calm in the presence of your daughters, regardless of what happens or what is disclosed; if you must, have a nervous breakdown later, away from your girls. The best gift you can give to your children is to take good care of their mother, Cassie. I urge you to seek out some form of counselling as well. Darlene Barriere Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator Author: <a href="http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/my-story-of-abuse.html">On My Own Terms, A Memoir</a>

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Mar 31, 2008

Thank you
by: Cassie

Thank you so very much for your comment and concern. You are very right, the last thing I want is to cause either child any additional trauma. I chose play therapy because of the benifits and I hoped it would provide my daughter with a better method of coping. I researched the benefits of both traditional and play therapy and found the play avnue to be best for my daughter. She has been doing very well in there.

You are very right and I never fully considerered the fact my daughter may actually be sensing something is amiss and reacting in a manner in which she finds to be the only reaction. I am just concerned she may have been abused and I know my oldest daughter has made some tremendous steps in recovery and I believe this is because we found out when we did and took the much needed steps to ensure she was placed in a theraputic setting ASAP. I do not want to ignore it or think, "Oh, it is just jelousy or ill feelings", and then find out much later she was angry over omething very different. My oldest daughter knows she can talk to me at any time about what happened and I think that goes a long way for a child and I want to make myself available to my youngest daughter in that manner if the case is the same. I love my children and want them to have the best start in life- and being sexually abused does not mean a child is doomed to forever victimization. My oldest is testimony to that fact. She is relsilient beyond her years and still behaves as a "normal" 8 year old would.
Thank you for your advise and I will surely speak with the prosecutor and see what they can possibly do and then place her in play therepy as well.

I would like to tell all mothers who endure this- your child will be okay- it is us who carry the pain, guilt, and regret. They move on- one lesson my daughter has taught me is just because something bad happens does not mean you will forever fear or relive. She is a very bright, loving, sweet, normal little girl. The best advice I can give is to hold your child, LISTEN to your child, and do what is best for your child!!!!!!! I cry every single day- I feel partially responsible no matter what anyone else says. I feel my job was to protect my daughter and I failed. However, it is not how you start, it is how you end. My husband tells me this everyday. I am taking the steps to bring my daughters' grandmother to justice and ensure she is not allowed to hurt my daughter or any other child again. That is what matters. You grow- just as they grow- stronger.

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Mar 31, 2008
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Submitted by: Cassie

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Thank you so very much for your comment and concern. You are very right, the last thing I want is to cause either child any additional trauma. I chose play therapy because of the benifits and I hoped it would provide my daughter with a better method of coping. I researched the benefits of both traditional and play therapy and found the play avnue to be best for my daughter. She has been doing very well in there. You are very right and I never fully considerered the fact my daughter may actually be sensing something is amiss and reacting in a manner in which she finds to be the only reaction. I am just concerned she may have been abused and I know my oldest daughter has made some tremendous steps in recovery and I believe this is because we found out when we did and took the much needed steps to ensure she was placed in a theraputic setting ASAP. I do not want to ignore it or think, "Oh, it is just jelousy or ill feelings", and then find out much later she was angry over omething very different. My oldest daughter knows she can talk to me at any time about what happened and I think that goes a long way for a child and I want to make myself available to my youngest daughter in that manner if the case is the same. I love my children and want them to have the best start in life- and being sexually abused does not mean a child is doomed to forever victimization. My oldest is testimony to that fact. She is relsilient beyond her years and still behaves as a "normal" 8 year old would. Thank you for your advise and I will surely speak with the prosecutor and see what they can possibly do and then place her in play therepy as well. I would like to tell all mothers who endure this- your child will be okay- it is us who carry the pain, guilt, and regret. They move on- one lesson my daughter has taught me is just because something bad happens does not mean you will forever fear or relive. She is a very bright, loving, sweet, normal little girl. The best advice I can give is to hold your child, LISTEN to your child, and do what is best for your child!!!!!!! I cry every single day- I feel partially responsible no matter what anyone else says. I feel my job was to protect my daughter and I failed. However, it is not how you start, it is how you end. My husband tells me this everyday. I am taking the steps to bring my daughters' grandmother to justice and ensure she is not allowed to hurt my daughter or any other child again. That is what matters. You grow- just as they grow- stronger.

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Apr 01, 2008

My appreciation and an "exercise" to try...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

You're so very welcome, Cassie. Gratitude will always be graciously accepted and appreciated.

Your comments below will resonate with many of my visitors. One that resonated with me was: "I feel partially responsible no matter what anyone else says. I feel my job was to protect my daughter and I failed. However, it is not how you start, it is how you end." The latter could not be more true. The former, however, I feel compelled to address.

Cassie, if you continue to identify yourself as a failure as a mother, your children will pick up on that. Whatever happened in the past, is in the past; there is nothing you can do to change it. Logically, you know that; emotionally is a different thing all together.

I'm going to suggest an exercise that you might find helpful. The next time you start feeling like a failure, the next time that little voice in your head starts up with the "I'm a failure" messages, be aware that your mind is thinking about that. Mentally observe your thoughts. Don't question them or try to deny them; "watch" them. Then pay close attention to the emotions you are feeling. Allow yourself those emotions, and then pay attention to the way your body is reacting to those emotions. Don't resist in any way, just allow it all to happen...then see where it leads you. This is an exercise in staying in the present moment. You might be pleasantly surprised at the outcome.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

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Apr 01, 2008
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Submitted by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

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You're so very welcome, Cassie. Gratitude will always be graciously accepted and appreciated. Your comments below will resonate with many of my visitors. One that resonated with me was: "I feel partially responsible no matter what anyone else says. I feel my job was to protect my daughter and I failed. However, it is not how you start, it is how you end." The latter could not be more true. The former, however, I feel compelled to address. Cassie, if you continue to identify yourself as a failure as a mother, your children will pick up on that. Whatever happened in the past, is in the past; there is nothing you can do to change it. Logically, you know that; emotionally is a different thing all together. I'm going to suggest an exercise that you might find helpful. The next time you start feeling like a failure, the next time that little voice in your head starts up with the "I'm a failure" messages, be aware that your mind is thinking about that. Mentally observe your thoughts. Don't question them or try to deny them; "watch" them. Then pay close attention to the emotions you are feeling. Allow yourself those emotions, and then pay attention to the way your body is reacting to those emotions. Don't resist in any way, just allow it all to happen...then see where it leads you. This is an exercise in staying in the present moment. You might be pleasantly surprised at the outcome. Darlene Barriere Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator Author: <a href="http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/my-story-of-abuse.html">On My Own Terms, A Memoir</a>

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