How do I deal with family members who abused me and my siblings?

by Pamela
(Pennsylvania, USA)

My younger sister, brother and I were all abused in varying degrees by our parents and extended family. The abuse includes sexual abuse, emotional abuse, and physical abuse. I am now in therapy, and am learning to face my real feelings about what happened to me, but my family refuses to face the fact that they are at least in part (I feel bad saying in whole) to blame for what happened to us as kids, and how we act towards them today.

For example, I rarely, if ever, talk to my family. I have tried and tried to explain what has hurt me so much (Mom and Dad knowing I was being molested several times and doing nothing to step in because they didn't want trouble with the law - among many, many other issues), and I keep getting stonewalled with the "That isn't their fault" or "Well they clearly trusted you more then they should have" (I love that last one).

The reason I keep trying to explain is that my grandmother keeps trying to tell me how bad off my mom and dad are, and is so torn up that me and my younger brother do not really speak to our parents. Each time I mention the abuse, I am told I need to get over it and move on, or that they trusted me too much as a child, or something equally stomach-turning for me to hear.

I would love more then anything else to cut off all contact with them, but my therapist wants me to keep polite and distanced contact with them, so that I do not feel guilty if something happens to them (they are all in poor health). I understand that completely, but at the same time, I can't take the insinuation that it is MY fault, and my brother's fault, that we act towards our parents the way we do.

By the way, my sister is the family favorite, and my parents let me and my brother know over and over again that I was an accident and he was a mistake, that they never wanted a third child, and that they really, really never wanted a boy.

So here is my question. How can I politely let my grandmother know that things are not going to get better as long as she is helping my parents cover up any responsibility they had in raising us? How can I explain that my brother does not speak to my parents because they told him he was an unwanted child, over and over again? I'd just like to explain how being a victim of parental abuse affects us through out our entire lives, and how it's not a simple answer that can be given to 'fix' things.

Sorry this is so long, I wanted to give you background.

Thank you for your time. I appreciate you reading my submission!

Reply from Darlene: Pamela, you don't have to apologize for the length of your submission; it is always easier for me to answer questions when I have some background information. When my visitors take the time to inform me of the details, I don't have to guess at them; I can hone in on a more fitting reply.

The remainder of Darlene's reply to this Ask Darlene question "How do I deal with family members who abused me and my siblings?" can be found below.

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