Historical Child Abuse: How do I deal with abusive in-laws?

by Weak No More
(Arnold, Missouri, USA)

Protective Husband and Father: 
My wife is the one who has actually been abused, but after being with her for 16 years, and in proximity to her abusers, I feel abused. When abuse is extended to include spiritual abuse, my feelings fit the definition.

For years, my wife has told me stories about the physical and emotional abuse from her mother. Her childhood friends and neighbors often volunteer stories about my mother-in-law, and these are eyewitness accounts, not hearsay. Until recently, my wife has said little about her father, other than, "he is an asshole and always defended his wife's abuse" (e.g. breaking bones, pushing my wife down the stairs, etc.).

Our relationship with my in-laws has always been filled with tension. As a Christian, I'm required to honor my parents and my wife's parents. I'm also required to forgive and forget. So, I've forced my wife and myself to make an effort to have a relationship with them. Although, my in-laws attend church, they live a private sort of occult life-style, which doesn't fit with my beliefs or my wife's desires. On the surface, they present themselves as good grandparents, always willing to babysit and always inviting us to dinner. Below the surface, the invitations to dinner are a summons, and the babysitting is more like kidnapping.

Five years ago, they actually kidnapped our children and we had to call the police to get them back. I was foolish enough to re-establish a relationship with them to obey my Christian teaching, but I made the error of not resolving the root cause. Behind my back, they have always tried to say that I was controlling my wife, and hated me because of my Catholic schooling and belief in evolution. When we put my oldest daughter into pre-school, they practically beat down the door begging my wife not to do this, because they wanted to babysit instead.

Whenever, I try to take my family on a vacation, I practically have to ask my in-laws for permission. We've argued about taking our own children with us on our vacations. They always wait until I'm not home to intimidate my wife.

They refuse to attend counseling sessions with us, so that my wife can stop having nightmares about her childhood. They forbid my step-daughter from calling me dad, even though I've been the only dad that she has known since the age of 2. They forbid me from adopting her and they try to stop my mother from seeing any of our children. They hate it when they call my mom, Grandma.

It has been torment for the past 16 years, and I feel bad that I put my wife in the middle. I've always told my wife that they are her parents, so she should be the one to confront them. I didn't realize how fearful she was of them, even though she told me.

Recently, we've started having trouble with my oldest daughter, now 17, experimenting with bisexual behavior and other rebellious activities. So, my daughter wanted to live with my in-laws where she will have no chores or rules. My in-laws have seized the opportunity to attack me. They have been threatening to fabricate stories of abuse against me unless I let them have the children. We've completed forms at the children's schools forbidding my in-laws from picking them up, but it hasn't worked. My mother-in law has been stalking my children, by calling the office frequently to gather information about school events. One of the office personnel at my youngest daughter's preschool had become friends with my mother-in-law and invited her to the school without any regard for our form, restricting her from my children.

Over the years, I've come to know my in-laws, especially my mother-in-law as evil people. She always visits dying relatives, but then stands outside their hospital room and says horrible things about them, and says that she wishes that they would just die and get it over. Although, they profess to be Christians, I've never heard them say one good thing about anyone.

We want to move away so that these people can't torment us anymore, but they keep stalking us and threaten to fabricate stories against us. I'm a respectable citizen, so anyone who knows me, knows better. Unfortunately, not everyone knows my in-laws under the surface. They are good on their word about fabricating stories.

The first time that we turned down a summons to dinner, my sister-in-law claimed that we weren't coming because I had beaten up one of the children. With the exception of a handful of swats on the butt over 16 years and 3 children, I don't even spank them.

Aside from threats of fabricating stories against me, my mother-in-law has been suggestive that they would shoot me. My father-in-law is a hunter and owns guns.

Recently, my wife has been starting to tell me stories about her father forcing his way into the bathroom when she was attempting to get dressed. She also had some naked pictures of him that she found as a child. She says that she used to find sex toys and KY gel next to her bed. She has also told me that my mother-in-law would force my children to change their clothes in front of my father-in-law, but they always acted modest whenever I or my sister-in law's husband were around.

I fear for the safety of my children and wife.

We've prayed about it and seen a counselor at the church, and everyone has told us to keep a safe distance from these people, but I can't find a way to get away from them. My attorney said that even a "permanent" restraining order is only good for one year. These people will still be insane a year from now.

I'm a scientist and would rather spend my time concerned about unraveling the mysteries of the universe, than dealing with crazy people. If crazy people interested me, I would have been a psychologist. Still, this burden exists. If I can't escape their stalking and threats, I fear that someone will get hurt. I'm even considering buying a gun for protection, but the system should have a way of protecting me and my family without having to resort to such extremes.

Do you have any suggestions?

Reply from Darlene: I'm not sure how it is that I can help you. You said you've spoken to church counsellors, that you've talked to an attorney about a restraining order, that you've gone to the school to fill out papers to prevent your in-laws from "stalking" your children, and that you've even had to contact the police in order to deal with a "kidnapping" situation that involved your children and your in-laws.

Other than to tell you to move as far away from your in-laws as possible, I can only offer you the benefit of my experience as a violence and abuse prevention educator as it relates to child abuse, my own experience as a survivor of child abuse at the hands of an equally malicious mother who tried to destroy me, and the benefit of my experience as a 50-year-old woman in the midst of spiritual Awakening.

Remainder of reply from Darlene can be found to this Ask Darlene question "History of Child Abuse: How do I deal with abusive in-laws?" can be found in Parts 1 and 2 below.

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