Failing Marriage: Is the childhood abuse my husband endured the reason?

Failing Marriage: Is the childhood abuse my husband endured the reason?

by Name Undisclosed
(USA)

Darlene,
I have been married to my husband for 28 years. I told him I loved him on our 1st date, got engaged 5 wks later, & married him 6 months later because I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. He came into our marriage with only a suitcase and his high school football jacket. He was 19 years old then. We have 3 children. The 2 oldest are now married. Our youngest daughter will be 18 soon.

My husband has recently admitted to me & to a verbal abuse "coach" that he has been verbally abusive to me, controlling, pushed me out of his life, etc. He is working with the "coach" by phone to improve his dialog with me.

Two weeks ago he admitted to me that he was emotionally, verbally, and physically abused by both of his parents. I don't know what age this abuse took place and if what he shared with me is the full extent of his abuse. He is 47 years old. He said his father continually put him down and demeaned him. Told him he would never amount to anything & beat him to the extent that his head bled. I don't know to what extent.

He told me his mother tried to protect him from his father's continual abuse, but she beat him, too. He told me of 1 incident of when she beat his legs with a belt so bad that they bled & then she cried "My baby, what have I done?"

He told me his mother left him & his father for his father's best friend & his father had to travel across the country to California to retrieve her & return her home.

I have always been made to feel that no matter how his parents treated me or dictated our lives as a couple or any issues involving their grandchildren (our children) that I was the one that needed changing. Yes, I have grown resentful. I didn't meet his family until after he asked me to marry him. He tends to put them on a pedestal, especially his mother.

I am angry now that he knowingly put our 3 children in jeopardy and harms way during the times they stayed with their grandparents for at least a week at a time during their growing up years when we went out of town on vacations and business trips. His mother told me she had to spank my children at times.

Our marriage has gone from a fairy tale to a nightmare. I still love him & I cried with him and for him when he told me about the abuse. I suspect my husband has many things he is hiding from me & his children in order to protect the image he has created in our community as a church leader, religious leader & a powerful, much-respected businessman. We are somewhat wealthy by the world's standards, but I am so unhappy. I have been advised to get self-esteem counseling.

He continues to tell me constantly that I am crazy, has implied things about me to our children, and directs comments to me that devalue me as a mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend and even as a woman business owner. And to beat all...I still love him & I want to make some sense of all this madness. My heart is broken. But I have had to retain a lawyer & I have made the call to put a legal separation into place next week. I suspect he may be drinking secretly (he doesn't drink at all) & I am also afraid that he may be involved in an emotional, if not sexual, affair. He has closed 3 times as many business deals (multimillion dollar) in 2007 as he did in 2006, plus we have had 2 children marry in the past 12 months. We both have been under a lot of stress to say the least.

What can I do, when I get over the bitterness & resentment, & tremendous feelings of guilt over my marriage ending to help him? Could any of what we are going through & how he has tried to destroy me personally be stemming through what he experienced as a child? I know he is seeking counseling, but I really don't think he would share this with even his counselor.

Despite it all he is my best friend. He is diabetic, too. And that is a whole other story. I am heartbroken and feel like I have always felt - I want to still protect him. Or have I just enabled him all these years and contributed to the problem that was bound to erupt into the hell that is taking place now in our lives? If you are a spiritual person, please pray for me and my precious husband and children. I am really struggling spiritually because of his position & because of the public image he has, and how it is going to trickle down and affect everyone whose lives we have touched throughout our 28 years together. I welcome your thoughts.

Note from Darlene: To the person, Name Undisclosed, who wrote this question last week (May 31, 2008), the system glitch regarding some comments not going live has resulted in the necessity to temporarily suspend answering questions through this page. While the glitch has not yet been fully remedied, I've decided to post the contribution in an effort to let you know that I've not ignored you.

If you cannot see below, the answer I've provided to this Ask Darlene question "Failing Marriage: Is the childhood abuse my husband endured the reason?" rest assured, it is in queue. I posted my comments June 4, 2008, titled "Childhood abuse and a failing marriage..." Keep checking back to this page. I thank you and my other visitors for your understanding while I work at getting this minor malfunction rectified.

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Failing Marriage: Is the childhood abuse my husband endured the reason?

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Jun 04, 2008

Childhood abuse and a failing marriage...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I can certainly understand your feelings of betrayal and anger. For your husband to have put your children at risk by not speaking up about the abuse he suffered at the hands of his parents must have been horrifying.

As for your questions, I can only give voice to the child abuse your husband grew up with and how it may well have affected him into adulthood.

It is not unusual for abuse victims to block out portions of or entire memories of childhood abuse; it's a coping skill. There are varying factors with regard to how children cope with abuse. I suggest you read my page on this site titled physical child abuse effects for a better understanding of why abused children respond in the way they do. It's important to understand that although the information pages on this site detail effects on children, those effects can and do follow these children into adulthood.

While on the surface your husband appears to have been highly successful in his work, etc., based on what you've stated, it also appears that he is a perfectionist; a perfectionist who expects perfection from himself, from you, and quite likely from others. This often stems from growing up with unreasonable demands and expectations, and very often, with abused first born children.

You stated that you believe your husband is drinking and possibly having an affair; yes, these can be effects of childhood abuse. But it's critical to understand that although his behaviour now can be explained by his abusive past, it cannot be used as an excuse for that inappropriate behaviour. Your husband had no power to control what was happening to him as a child; as an adult, he has choices. If the people around him provide excuses for him, they are enabling his behaviour. He needs to take responsibility for his actions as an adult. He can't blame it on his childhood; and nor can you.

I cannot give you relationship or marriage advice, as that is beyond the scope of this website. What I can say is that you cannot change your husband or his behaviour. The only person you can change is you; which is why I strongly urge you to seek out some form of counselling. A professional may be able to help you determine why you feel the need to "protect" your husband. The "right" professional may well steer you in a spiritual direction. For example, consider a therapist who insists that you read a book such as two written by Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life's Purpose and The Power of Now. Even without the assistance of a counsellor, I highly recommend you read these books for your own spiritual enlightenment.

I wish you and your family all the best.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

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Jun 04, 2008
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Submitted by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

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I can certainly understand your feelings of betrayal and anger. For your husband to have put your children at risk by not speaking up about the abuse he suffered at the hands of his parents must have been horrifying. As for your questions, I can only give voice to the child abuse your husband grew up with and how it may well have affected him into adulthood. It is not unusual for abuse victims to block out portions of or entire memories of childhood abuse; it's a coping skill. There are varying factors with regard to how children cope with abuse. I suggest you read my page on this site titled <a href="http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/physical-child-abuse-effects.html">physical child abuse effects</a> for a better understanding of why abused children respond in the way they do. It's important to understand that although the information pages on this site detail effects on children, those effects can and do follow these children into adulthood. While on the surface your husband appears to have been highly successful in his work, etc., based on what you've stated, it also appears that he is a perfectionist; a perfectionist who expects perfection from himself, from you, and quite likely from others. This often stems from growing up with unreasonable demands and expectations, and very often, with abused first born children. You stated that you believe your husband is drinking and possibly having an affair; yes, these can be effects of childhood abuse. But it's critical to understand that although his behaviour now can be explained by his abusive past, it cannot be used as an excuse for that inappropriate behaviour. Your husband had no power to control what was happening to him as a child; as an adult, he has choices. If the people around him provide excuses for him, they are enabling his behaviour. He needs to take responsibility for his actions as an adult. He can't blame it on his childhood; and nor can you. I cannot give you relationship or marriage advice, as that is beyond the scope of this website. What I can say is that you cannot change your husband or his behaviour. The only person you can change is you; which is why I strongly urge you to seek out some form of counselling. A professional may be able to help you determine why you feel the need to "protect" your husband. The "right" professional may well steer you in a spiritual direction. For example, consider a therapist who insists that you read a book such as two written by Eckhart Tolle, A New Earth, Awakening to Your Life's Purpose and The Power of Now. Even without the assistance of a counsellor, I highly recommend you read these books for your own spiritual enlightenment. I wish you and your family all the best. Darlene Barriere Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator Author: <a href="http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/my-story-of-abuse.html">On My Own Terms, A Memoir</a>

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Jun 04, 2008

Don't give up!
by: Linda Settles

My heart goes out to you because you are dealing with the residue of abuse with a history. When abuse is left undisclosed, it will not just go away. It will eat away at the soul of the survivor and at the fabric of his relationships. I have known others that have much in common with your husband. I was a lay counselor in church for some time and trained other counselors. You definately need to set some boundaries, and unfotunately the only way to do that is sometimes through separation. If your husband is seeing a Christian counselor (you made is clear that you are a person of faith) then he may be making the best effort that he can to change. But that will not do it alone. He needs to experience the pain of his losses--just as you have. He needs to come up against boundaries that remain stable and are beyond his control. He needs to get to the place that he knows he must trust his Higher Power (the God of the Bible if you are, as I am, a Christian). What you MUST not do is try to protect or insulate your husband from the consequences of his actions. And you must not sacrafice your own dignity or self worth to try to make him better. It won't work and you will lose yourself in the process.
Hang on to God, my friend, and find wisdom in his Word. Educate yourself throught sites such as this. No web site that I have found offers more information (not to mention compassion and personal investment from Darlene) than the one you have found. I will exhort you, as the Apostle Paul did his son in the faith, Timothy: Study to show yourself approved.... Dig in. Settle down. And Let go. Let go and let God do his work. Keep the door of your heart and mind open, and seek Godly counsel. Then, no matter what happens, you will know that what you have done is right and you are not responsible for the rest.

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Jun 04, 2008
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Submitted by: Linda Settles

Title

Comment
My heart goes out to you because you are dealing with the residue of abuse with a history. When abuse is left undisclosed, it will not just go away. It will eat away at the soul of the survivor and at the fabric of his relationships. I have known others that have much in common with your husband. I was a lay counselor in church for some time and trained other counselors. You definately need to set some boundaries, and unfotunately the only way to do that is sometimes through separation. If your husband is seeing a Christian counselor (you made is clear that you are a person of faith) then he may be making the best effort that he can to change. But that will not do it alone. He needs to experience the pain of his losses--just as you have. He needs to come up against boundaries that remain stable and are beyond his control. He needs to get to the place that he knows he must trust his Higher Power (the God of the Bible if you are, as I am, a Christian). What you MUST not do is try to protect or insulate your husband from the consequences of his actions. And you must not sacrafice your own dignity or self worth to try to make him better. It won't work and you will lose yourself in the process. Hang on to God, my friend, and find wisdom in his Word. Educate yourself throught sites such as this. No web site that I have found offers more information (not to mention compassion and personal investment from Darlene) than the one you have found. I will exhort you, as the Apostle Paul did his son in the faith, Timothy: Study to show yourself approved.... Dig in. Settle down. And Let go. Let go and let God do his work. Keep the door of your heart and mind open, and seek Godly counsel. Then, no matter what happens, you will know that what you have done is right and you are not responsible for the rest.

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Jun 12, 2008

To Name Undisclosed:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I'm posting this in an effort to release the other comments currently trapped in queue for this submission; there is a system glitch that has yet to be resolved. My sincere apologies for the delay in getting these comments to appear on this page. I realize it's an inconvenience, but rest assured, I continue to work at trying to fix this problem.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

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Failing Marriage: Is the childhood abuse my husband endured the reason?

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Failing Marriage: Is the childhood abuse my husband endured the reason?