Emotional Abuse

by Hayley
(Birmingham)

Not so long ago, i found myself struggling with a drill at ice hockey training. A couple of team mates had a go at me, the latter of the two brought back some very painful memories of what a former coach had subjected me to, and my brother, I was living down to his very low opinion of me.

After I had calmed down enough to be allowed back onto the ice, I finished the training session, and got changed as normal. Afterwards I went and spoke to one of the coaches, and he gave some advice that I hope will help me when my brother decides to launch another one of his attacks on me. I have got into the habit of answering back if I feel that someone is giving me a hard time, and I was told that it takes a bigger person to walk away, than it does to react. That and the pain I felt afterwards talking to one of my best friends were quite possibly a major turning point. I managed to admit to both my coach and my friend that what had happened had brought back all the pain from being screamed at by the so-called coach.

My brother holds very firmly onto the belief that when things don't go my way I throw a tantrum, which he believes is the reason why I was dismissed from rather a lot of jobs for a couple of years. He also loves to call me a fat cow, and white washes his behaviour that I deserve it, I am apparently a spoiled cow and not a very nice person to be around. Hence forth, the thought of travelling all the way up to Blackpool leaves me filled with dread, so bad that I won't go up to see him. I have told him what I think of him, that being a pseud and a bully. Had that not been for the faith of a colleague, I probably would never have managed to do that but I feel so much happier now that he isn't "looking over my shoulder waiting for me to screw up". I always feel so inferior around him, so inadequate, and it leaves me experiencing the feelings that I was too shocked and confused to feel when he was sexually abusing me. In time I want to go up to Blackpool, putting my fears to one side and tell him exactly what I think of him, a nasty little boy who loves to put me down just to make himself feel good. I no longer care what he thinks of me, he's just an arrogant blow hard who can't get past his own failings, so he puts them onto me as if they are mine.

I still have no confidence in myself, and am terrified of being touched sometimes. On Saturday just gone, I played my best game of (ice) hockey to date, and was actually second choice for Spirit of the Game, something I never thought I would be capable of considering who I was up against. The head coach of my team wanted to talk to me, but I wouldn't go up to him as I was scared. I confessed that because of a land lord I am terrified of being tickled, I only let him do it because there's a car seat between him and me.

I'll finish this at a later date